-nobodyknows-
Specialist
- Jun 16, 2024
- 327
I don't want to die.
However, after being like this for so long, I feel like I don't have much of a choice.
I can feel myself becoming weaker and weaker. Every day I am hit with waves of overwhelming sadness, loneliness, and self-destructive feelings that last for hours. It's getting harder to get up in the morning. My appetite is waning. I find it harder to go out and talk to people. I'm having trouble focusing on things, and have started procrastinating more and more.
I know what's making things worse: I don't have anyone I can talk to or be around when I feel suicidal. A while ago I did, and things were significantly easier. But talking about that sort of stuff, and always trying to spend time with them to feel better, is just too much to put on a person. So, it was doomed to fail from the start. I don't blame them for it though, in a way I am happy they cared enough to try, since most people would just stop talking to me once they saw that side of me. But… not having anyone is the worst. I always do better when I have someone. Without that, I am in trouble.
I do wish things could be different though. That I had someone who could handle that sort of talk and didn't mind me hanging out with them all the time. Either a close friend or a romantic partner would work.
But, as I said before, it's a fantasy. I know something like that isn't possible. So… I am stuck. I feel like there's not much of a choice now.
I don't know how much longer I can keep going. I really want to try and wait until I can move out so my family won't have to deal with the additional pain of finding me, but I can feel myself starting to break down more and more so I do not know if I will be able to wait that long.
I wish I could have been a normal person, someone who didn't have these sorts of self destructive feelings that could only be soothed by others. That way I could actually have friendships and relationships. But I don't think it's meant to be.
I do not know if there is someone in this world who would be able to handle me. But if there is, I desperately hope they can find me before it is too late.
However, after being like this for so long, I feel like I don't have much of a choice.
I can feel myself becoming weaker and weaker. Every day I am hit with waves of overwhelming sadness, loneliness, and self-destructive feelings that last for hours. It's getting harder to get up in the morning. My appetite is waning. I find it harder to go out and talk to people. I'm having trouble focusing on things, and have started procrastinating more and more.
I know what's making things worse: I don't have anyone I can talk to or be around when I feel suicidal. A while ago I did, and things were significantly easier. But talking about that sort of stuff, and always trying to spend time with them to feel better, is just too much to put on a person. So, it was doomed to fail from the start. I don't blame them for it though, in a way I am happy they cared enough to try, since most people would just stop talking to me once they saw that side of me. But… not having anyone is the worst. I always do better when I have someone. Without that, I am in trouble.
I do wish things could be different though. That I had someone who could handle that sort of talk and didn't mind me hanging out with them all the time. Either a close friend or a romantic partner would work.
But, as I said before, it's a fantasy. I know something like that isn't possible. So… I am stuck. I feel like there's not much of a choice now.
I don't know how much longer I can keep going. I really want to try and wait until I can move out so my family won't have to deal with the additional pain of finding me, but I can feel myself starting to break down more and more so I do not know if I will be able to wait that long.
I wish I could have been a normal person, someone who didn't have these sorts of self destructive feelings that could only be soothed by others. That way I could actually have friendships and relationships. But I don't think it's meant to be.
I do not know if there is someone in this world who would be able to handle me. But if there is, I desperately hope they can find me before it is too late.
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