Venting I don’t want to die

[helpmegetout]

I have suicidal thoughts since I'm 10 and tried to ctb many times. They were all impulsive attempts. The truth is that I feel so bad lately but I don't want to die. My existence feels like pure suffering. I have suicidal thoughts all the time and I'm collecting my sleeping pills since over a month now, mixed with alcohol it could kill me. But actually I just want my suffering to end. I wanna feel better. I wanna live a life worth living and I don't know how the fuck I can get out of this. I don't wanna life in a hole anymore. I want friends and a hobby. I have a loving boyfriend. I'm thankful for that but of course he can't save me. And I can't save myself.

 

[Cage]

I'm not a mod or anything but this might be better suited for the Recovery thread.

In any case, if your boyfriend really is so loving then he wouldn't mind if you opened to him about your feelings. Talking to people in real life is always better than doing it online, if you're able to of course.

 

[Tesha]

There's going to be a lot of people that relate to you - I'm one of them. I don't want to die, but I do want to forget the hideous stuff that happened to me. I want to feel happy. I want to get up in the morning and know I have another chance of living. But I don't. I'm miserable, lonely, full of emotional pain and struggling.

I feel fortunate that I'm not impulsive…that must be extra stress for yourself. If you read the forum you'll see impulsive attempts aren't as reliable, so you may want to keep an eye on yourself in that regard.

I know it's possibly a 'none' response, but what support do you have in place? As Cage said, have you talked to your boyfriend?

Unfortunately sleeping pills and alcohol are unlikely to succeed.

 

[helpmegetout]

I'm not a mod or anything but this might be better suited for the Recovery thread..

I don't think that's any near of recovery because of how often suicide is mentioned idk.

I know it's possibly a 'none' response, but what support do you have in place? As Cage said, have you talked to your boyfriend?

I actually have talked to some people..but the only one who seems to care is my boyfriend. I live in a residential group and the there are…yeah..not helpful. I've been talking about suicide constantly since months. When I say "I wanna die" they literally just say "no" and after an attempt they act like nothing happened at all.

 

[134340]

I can relate, and I feel for you so much. It's such a hard place to be stuck in.

You mentioned that you live in a residential group home already, right? Do you see a therapist or psychiatrist or anything like that there? I know you also mentioned them being dismissive of your suicide attempts (which is so ridiculous!!!) but would they maybe be more helpful/receptive if you expressed the underlying feelings instead (like saying that you're depressed/anxious/whatever is making you feel distressed)? Unfortunately a lot of mental health "professionals" do not know how to handle suicidal behavior (which, again, is ridiculous). That might be a place to start. i assume you have access to a cell phone - there are websites where you can download basically any book for free and read them in the standard book app you have on your phone. You could try accessing some self help books that way. I've personally had better experience giving myself therapy via really sitting down and being honest with a good self help book than I have with actual therapists. My last question is are you medicated? If yes, could your meds be switched around?

Just a couple of ideas for you. I'm sorry you aren't getting adequate support from your group home.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

They are questions and it's enough if you can answer them for yourself. Do you have an idea what triggers the suicidal thoughts? What triggers impulsive actions? Can those "triggers" be eliminated in the best case?

I can relate to "I don't want to die but dying would the relief" in some ways. I'm sorry you have to struggle with that.