Venting i don't want to die, i want to disappear

[trist]

i strongly desire to just be completely erased. i don't want to leave any memories or physical traces behind. i know that i won't be remembered eventually, but it'll take a while and that's too much for me. if only i wasn't born in the first place. if only i could reverse all of this. unfortunately all of these remain 'coulds' and 'ifs'.

i can't seem to stop running into problems while planning my suicide. i'll have the house for myself for a week in a couple months which gives me the perfect opportunity. or so i thought. i plan to use sn and i want to order this in that particular week so that no one can discover the package. however, if i were to ctb by then, it would take two weeks until i'm found and i don't want to bother my family with a rotting corpse. i thought about scheduling an email to notify them but i'd hate to ruin their holiday (especially because the last one was ruined too, although not because of me). besides that, my siblings repeatedly told me about how sad they are that i won't join them this summer, which makes me feel guilty. i'm the oldest sibling and have always felt a sense of responsibility for them and i try to be there at times they can't go to our parents (my parents are narrow-minded and can get mad fairly quickly). i guess they also just like hanging out with me, as much as i want to deny that. next to that, i fluctuate between caring and not caring about my parents' feelings because i know they love me and all but they're also part of the reason i want to ctb. i live in constant fear of them finding out certain things (things that most people wouldn't regard as 'bad' but they do) and it makes me feel suffocated. i can't be myself while i still live under their roof and i can't move out for at least another five years. i know people will say that that's untrue and that i can do what i want as i'm an adult, but it's not that easy. it's not even an availability or money problem as i'm able to rely on myself, but yeah, i won't go in depth about that for now.

i'm just stuck. everyday, my first thought after waking up is "i want to die", just like my last thought before falling asleep. i can't do this anymore. it's been years without any improvement and i have no one to talk to. i have one good friend whom i opened up to before but they notified my parents so i'll never do that again. i honestly don't even want to talk to anyone as there is no point and it doesn't help me anyway. venting on here is enough for me and i'm very glad this place exists. it feels liberating to finally be able to say what i want without being judged and attacked with pro-life 'advice'.

 

[FuneralCry]

I would see it as being completely ideal to have the ability to be erased, that's what I wish for as well as suicide is just too unnecessarily complicated and difficult in this world. I hate how we live in this anti suicide society, all those who want to be gone should just be able to die in peace without struggle.

 

[bigdog]

I would see it as being completely ideal to have the ability to be erased, that's what I wish for as well as suicide is just too unnecessarily complicated and difficult in this world. I hate how we live in this anti suicide society, all those who want to be gone should just be able to die in peace without struggle.

Definitely you should take enormous risks and most important leaving you disabled from unsuccessful attempt because nobody will guarantee anything.

 

[sana703]

I can relate, I always wished I could teleport myself in another world/place just to relax without having to worry about anything nor thinking about what's to come tomorrow / in the future

 

[ChildrensITV]

You sound extremely young, seem to have very little privacy, and be confused about whether this is the right choice for you. Most people here are battling how to get the courage to CTB but it appears that even having the courage to do it wouldn't help you cuz you want to be erased - something that will not happen for years to come.

Is there anyone you can just postpone all your plans for 5 yrs until you can do it safely and privately? I am not saying to give up trying, but set your plan for in 5 years from now?

 

[scamper]

I definitely relate to wanting to disappear without a trace. I would like to be able to stop living without causing discomfort to the people that care about me.

I'm sorry to hear what your friend(?) did to you. I've spoken to people about my plans to ctb and most react negatively but I should be grateful I never had any of them tell my parents or other people I would rather not know yet. I hope you can find someone mature enough to open up to about it whether it be on this website or elsewhere. All the best to you.

 

[trist]

You sound extremely young, seem to have very little privacy, and be confused about whether this is the right choice for you. Most people here are battling how to get the courage to CTB but it appears that even having the courage to do it wouldn't help you cuz you want to be erased - something that will not happen for years to come.

Is there anyone you can just postpone all your plans for 5 yrs until you can do it safely and privately? I am not saying to give up trying, but set your plan for in 5 years from now?

yes, i think it's a shame that i can't even get what i want after dying, but also, i'll be dead so i'm not sure if it actually matters. i don't think i can handle another 5 years. when i'm at my lowest, i don't even care about what i said in my post anymore and i just get consumed by suicidal thoughts. i also see no reason to keep existing except for being there for my siblings (but when i think about it a bit more, i realize they can probably manage well without me). i'm 19 and i guess that's 'extremely young' but i promised myself to ctb before 18 and unfortunately that didn't happen.

I definitely relate to wanting to disappear without a trace. I would like to be able to stop living without causing discomfort to the people that care about me.

I'm sorry to hear what your friend(?) did to you. I've spoken to people about my plans to ctb and most react negatively but I should be grateful I never had any of them tell my parents or other people I would rather not know yet. I hope you can find someone mature enough to open up to about it whether it be on this website or elsewhere. All the best to you.

they're still my friend and i don't blame them because i know they were worried. it just sucks that most people outside of here are so scared of suicide. thank you for your response.