Venting I don’t want to die, I just don’t want to exist

[Chalken]

I'm suicidal. However, deep down I know that I only want my pain to end. I want to escape the pain that haunts me every day. Deep down, I know that life has its good moments, but I won't ever experience them. If I could stop existing without hurting any close relatives, I would do it in a heartbeat. I think many suicidal people only want their pain to end, but they realise that the only way for that to happen is to end their lives by suicide, even if it will hurt other people. I am aware that stopping to exist is only logically achievable by suicide, and it's impossible to just cease to exist. If it were possible to choose these kind of things, I would've chosen not to have been born at all. Also, the probability of surviving a suicide attempt and becoming a vegetable terrifies me. Anyway, I don't know if I'm making any sense here.

I tried getting help, medication doesn't help with my suicidality or negative thoughts, talking with others doesn't help either. I tried talking more to people in order to reduce my social anxiety, but it's all the same. I'm still depressed and nothing I do matters. I try to fill the void with entertainment, media, but it doesn't really seem to work as of late.

 

[Darkhaven]

Well, to be honest, i think that sums up what almost person with suicidal thoughts feels.
90% of the people who kill themselves or hope to don't really or necessarily want to die per se.
They just don't want to live anymore with certain problems or illnesses that make life become unworthy to live from their perspective.
Should they have an alternative or a solution to these problems, most of us wouldn't even think of suicide.
That's how i feel.
When i hear someone talking about suicide they always seem to have a reason to do it or they are trying to escape from something.
It's very hard to find someone who wants to do it just for sake of it.

 

[RainAndSadness]

Yeah. I wish I was never born in the first place. Abortion would have been a great alternative too. But now it's too late. I exist and taking away this life, with all that fear and insecurity what will happen after, is really tough.

 

[pleasethistime]

I want to die but dont want to kill myself. I am bad at taking risks and responsibility.

 

[Chalken]

Well, to be honest, i think that sums up what almost person with suicidal thoughts feels.
90% of the people who kill themselves or hope to don't really or necessarily want to die per se.
They just don't want to live anymore with certain problems or illnesses that make life become unworthy to live from their perspective.
Should they have an alternative or a solution to these problems, most of us wouldn't even think of suicide.
That's how i feel.
When i hear someone talking about suicide they always seem to have a reason to do it or they are trying to escape from something.
It's very hard to find someone who wants to do it just for sake of it.

Yeah, I agree. Impulsive suicides happen, but I think most of the time it's pre-planned and premeditated. It 's the fact that we feel so trapped by our situation, that we don't see any other way of escaping this hellish place.

 

[OnlyMercy]

It's been said that suicide is caused mostly by a feeling of hopelessness; a sense of extreme despair.

When all attempts to end pain are exhausted with no positive outcome, suicide becomes the only alternative to put a final end to suffering.

While suicide is complete destruction, it is also complete mercy (hence my username) as it completely rids one of all his ills and ailments.

 

[rainydaystocbt]

I'm suicidal. However, deep down I know that I only want my pain to end. I want to escape the pain that haunts me every day. Deep down, I know that life has its good moments, but I won't ever experience them. If I could stop existing without hurting any close relatives, I would do it in a heartbeat. I think many suicidal people only want their pain to end, but they realise that the only way for that to happen is to end their lives by suicide, even if it will hurt other people. I am aware that stopping to exist is only logically achievable by suicide, and it's impossible to just cease to exist. If it were possible to choose these kind of things, I would've chosen not to have been born at all. Also, the probability of surviving a suicide attempt and becoming a vegetable terrifies me. Anyway, I don't know if I'm making any sense here.

I tried getting help, medication doesn't help with my suicidality or negative thoughts, talking with others doesn't help either. I tried talking more to people in order to reduce my social anxiety, but it's all the same. I'm still depressed and nothing I do matters. I try to fill the void with entertainment, media, but it doesn't really seem to work as of late.

]

this is exactly how i feel, I'm actually trading up, I've never read something so close to my own thoughts.
I don't want to die, i'm scared of dying, but I /need/ to die. So that the awful empty pain will go away, so i'll be finally free. I'm scared of trying to 'catch the bus' in case it doesn't work, I don't want to be in pain and live out the rest of my life in a hospital bed- and I don't want to face the music, to deal with everyone asking me why I did it, guilt tripping me for not asking for help...

 

[Final Escape]

I know this feeling :( I feel trapped in my situation even though rationally I know I'm not. I just want this to end because I'm so badly trapped in my patterns and habits that it's become impossible to change or make any lasting changes. I'm sort of desperate to end it at this point since I can't create any change. Everyday is exactly the same, like that NIN song. That's my life. I can't get myself to go be social or get out into the world. I'm stuck isolated a lot and the only time I get out is to go the gym across the street and when I see clients for brief periods. I feel too down to try to pretend to be happy around other people and I also feel old and like my clothing is bordering on homeless lol! It's sad. I carry a lot of shame about where I've ended up in life and I can't seem to drop the toxic shame. I know there is therapy for this but I don't have the will and commitment where it's sustained enough to fix myself.

 

[LMLN]

The feeling of being trapped resonates with me. Its feels like there is no escape except death but I'm afraid to do it.