I don't *want* to die, but it's my only option given my circumstances... am I alone?

[insomni_yak001]

Hi all,

I am grappling with this -- I don't want to die -- I want to live, I want to go out and explore the world, have a meaningful impact, develop my current relationships with my wonderful friends.... BUT, health wise, I am so unlucky - I have severe treatment resistant depression and react hospital-worthy badly to all anti-depressants/psych meds (I've tried 30+), after using an anti histamine for sleep for 5 years (and then that stopped working) and then my doctor telling me to take ambien for sleep, something got messed up and I am no longer able to sleep at all. AT ALL. I don't feel sleepy, I have no sleep drive. Sleep doctors have ruled out apnea and narcolepsy, which is literally all they can do, and have blamed this on depression, depression I literally can't treat. They're no help.

I have insulin resistance and for some reason metformin causes psychosis. I do not know why. Im developing circulation issues, I have the MTHFR mutation but all supplements cause agitation. I have no idea the effect that it's having on me and my mental and physical health.

I have permanent withdrawal symptoms from ambien - I am in a chronically agitated state-- all noises feel like tiny knives digging into my skull. I am angry and everyone and everything around me. I was on an anti psychotic and it only made things worse.

I am entirely lucid, but I feel myself going clinically insane, and no one knows why.

I think it was complex polypharmacy of psychiatric medications I have been taking for years (literally 4 drugs at once for 5 years), but I dont know. There's no coming back from that damage, and there's no telling what damage it has done.

I'm pissed. I want to live. My last job was actually as a crisis counselor for the National Suicide Prevention Hotline (ironically) and it was the most fulfilling job. Even working retail would fulfill me at this point -- I just crave life... yet I literally can't function every day. I crawl through each minute, I can't hold down a job because I'm entirely sleepless, noises stabbing my brain, constantly agitated beyond belief, angry at my parents for being emotionally abusive and not helping me. At my core, angry for the circumstances that ruined my brain and took away my ability to sleep. Angry that I've been struggling with depression since youth. Angry I've had insulin resistance/systemic inflammation since youth and no one caught it. Angry at the progression of the cataclysmic set of circumstances that led to this severe dysfunction-- the entire inability to sleep, and constant severe agitation. Angry at the world for death being my only option when I just want to live-- but not like this.

Angry I can't be afforded a peaceful physician assisted death -- that I don't have a discernible terminal illness, but all the pain and trauma that comes with it.

I can pinpoint the drugs that caused me to become permanently agitated and unable to sleep and I wish I could go back and not take them. I wish I could go back and tell myself to never take psychiatric medications. Maybe then I'd be able to sleep. If I could sleep, I wouldn't need to die.

Every day is legitimately traumatic-- from the pain. I'm so mad my life was taken from me before I could truly live it.

I'm not looking for health solutions as I've tried everything. I'm just looking for a single soul who can relate-- to wanting so badly to live, but circumstances making that absolutely impossible no matter what way it's looked at.

Sending love to you all. It's really hard out here. <3

 

[SpaceCadet]

Sorry for your pain, you have gone through so much suffering, i'm lucky not to have major health problems, only depression maybe (undiagnosed), i can only imagine what's like not to be able to have a good night's sleep. I relate when you say that you don't exacltly want to die, me neither, unfortunately my life is getting so bad that is the way i'm taking. Hopefully you can find an anwser, or an improvement somehow, take care.

 

[Crazy4u]

I can barely relate. I would like to live if life was slightly easier. I want better health, more money, and less work so i can focus on my interests.

You have gone through rough life and survived. I am pround of you. I know you said you are not looking for a solution but try to consult someone who specializes in sleep problems. I am not here to prevent you from ctb it is your choice. I am hoping you can sleep and feel alive again

Take care

 

[Sunset Limited]

I also have insomnia. It started suddenly 5 years ago. I thought it would get better in time, but it didn't. I instinctively always stayed away from hospitals, but I started using Atarax when I had only 2 hours of sleep in 48 hours. It worked for a year. Then insomnia again. I went to the doctor and started using Lustral. It caused a very severe headache and I stopped using it. I am now using mirtazapine and melatonin. It works. Insomnia is like hell. I'm sorry for your situation. I hope you get better.

 

[insomni_yak001]

I can barely relate. I would like to live if life was slightly easier. I want better health, more money, and less work so i can focus on my interests.

You have gone through rough life and survived. I am pround of you. I know you said you are not looking for a solution but try to consult someone who specializes in sleep problems. I am not here to prevent you from ctb it is your choice. I am hoping you can sleep and feel alive again

Take care

thank you <3 I have a sleep doctor who is pretty useless unless you have either sleep apnea or narcolepsy (I have neither). She told me the insomnia is caused by 'depression, so treat your depression' and I have tried doing that with TMS, Ketamine, and I've tried and reacted severely to every psych med currently available, I've been in therapy for like 5 years. I can't treat it, I just have to live with it. But somewhere in there I got insomnia, which was probably depression related, but now after using ambein for 8 months and stopping I lost my sleep drive entirely. There's no science for that. There's no treatment for that. It's just unfortunate.

I also have insomnia. It started suddenly 5 years ago. I thought it would get better in time, but it didn't. I instinctively always stayed away from hospitals, but I started using Atarax when I had only 2 hours of sleep in 48 hours. It worked for a year. Then insomnia again. I went to the doctor and started using Lustral. It caused a very severe headache and I stopped using it. I am now using mirtazapine and melatonin. It works. Insomnia is like hell. I'm sorry for your situation. I hope you get better.

Ah - I am so sorry you went through this cruel hell too. I was on mirtazapine for 5 years but then it stopped working - no anti-histamine drugs make me sleepy anymore (so atarax included)-- I somehow got tolerant suddenly. Melatonin even at a microdose makes me feel like im on adderall, it's so weird. Insomnia is hell.

 

[Chiisai]

Hi all,

I am grappling with this -- I don't want to die -- I want to live, I want to go out and explore the world, have a meaningful impact, develop my current relationships with my wonderful friends.... BUT, health wise, I am so unlucky - I have severe treatment resistant depression and react hospital-worthy badly to all anti-depressants/psych meds (I've tried 30+), after using an anti histamine for sleep for 5 years (and then that stopped working) and then my doctor telling me to take ambien for sleep, something got messed up and I am no longer able to sleep at all. AT ALL. I don't feel sleepy, I have no sleep drive. Sleep doctors have ruled out apnea and narcolepsy, which is literally all they can do, and have blamed this on depression, depression I literally can't treat. They're no help.

I have insulin resistance and for some reason metformin causes psychosis. I do not know why. Im developing circulation issues, I have the MTHFR mutation but all supplements cause agitation. I have no idea the effect that it's having on me and my mental and physical health.

I have permanent withdrawal symptoms from ambien - I am in a chronically agitated state-- all noises feel like tiny knives digging into my skull. I am angry and everyone and everything around me. I was on an anti psychotic and it only made things worse.

I am entirely lucid, but I feel myself going clinically insane, and no one knows why.

I think it was complex polypharmacy of psychiatric medications I have been taking for years (literally 4 drugs at once for 5 years), but I dont know. There's no coming back from that damage, and there's no telling what damage it has done.

I'm pissed. I want to live. My last job was actually as a crisis counselor for the National Suicide Prevention Hotline (ironically) and it was the most fulfilling job. Even working retail would fulfill me at this point -- I just crave life... yet I literally can't function every day. I crawl through each minute, I can't hold down a job because I'm entirely sleepless, noises stabbing my brain, constantly agitated beyond belief, angry at my parents for being emotionally abusive and not helping me. At my core, angry for the circumstances that ruined my brain and took away my ability to sleep. Angry that I've been struggling with depression since youth. Angry I've had insulin resistance/systemic inflammation since youth and no one caught it. Angry at the progression of the cataclysmic set of circumstances that led to this severe dysfunction-- the entire inability to sleep, and constant severe agitation. Angry at the world for death being my only option when I just want to live-- but not like this.

Angry I can't be afforded a peaceful physician assisted death -- that I don't have a discernible terminal illness, but all the pain and trauma that comes with it.

I can pinpoint the drugs that caused me to become permanently agitated and unable to sleep and I wish I could go back and not take them. I wish I could go back and tell myself to never take psychiatric medications. Maybe then I'd be able to sleep. If I could sleep, I wouldn't need to die.

Every day is legitimately traumatic-- from the pain. I'm so mad my life was taken from me before I could truly live it.

I'm not looking for health solutions as I've tried everything. I'm just looking for a single soul who can relate-- to wanting so badly to live, but circumstances making that absolutely impossible no matter what way it's looked at.

Sending love to you all. It's really hard out here. <3

Youre not alone. I have a blood disorder that weakens my immune system. Im tired of hiding from people because of my infections. Im tired of maintaining a strenuous/strict regimen just to be normal. I just feel so out of place.

 

[Smart No More]

I can relate to wanting/wishing to live but being too sick to be able to do so. My issues aren't mental health related but they impact my quality of life massively.

Why is your ambien withdrawal permanent? I take ambien occasionally and did have a recent period of withdrawal after overdoing it on them and benzos but it passed luckily. I found some relief in opioids and low dose Amitryptaline. I'm guessing you've been on the ambien for a long time though.

 

[insomni_yak001]

I can relate to wanting/wishing to live but being too sick to be able to do so. My issues aren't mental health related but they impact my quality of life massively.

Why is your ambien withdrawal permanent? I take ambien occasionally and did have a recent period of withdrawal after overdoing it on them and benzos but it passed luckily. I found some relief in opioids and low dose Amitryptaline. I'm guessing you've been on the ambien for a long time though.

<3

I think maybe because I used it for too long and it disrupted my GABA/Glutamate homeostasis/did something with my GABA receptors from using it for too long. I used it every day for 8 months, which my doctor recommended and said was safe. it was not.

 

[Smart No More]

<3

I think maybe because I used it for too long and it disrupted my GABA/Glutamate homeostasis/did something with my GABA receptors from using it for too long. I used it every day for 8 months, which my doctor recommended and said was safe. it was not.

Yeah, I'm sorry, I just read a post I initially missed where you said you'd been on it for 8 months. So are you no longer taking it now, at all?

There are ways you can combat that withdrawal issue. I know you said you're not looking for medical advice so l don't want to push it at you. I just relate with your issue in some ways. I too got sick and one of the symptoms was an intense case of insomnia. It was hell and I still don't sleep like I used to but it has improved. My health is really poor though and I'm so heart-broken to say the least. Had a great life and mind before this happned.

I looked into some things surrounding glutamate and getting things working again after benzos. L-theanine is quite well respected in many ex benzo users/addicts. Ite not magic but it is apparently pretty helpful for some. Not sure if you're aware of Benzo buddies. It's a good site foe resources to help people in positions like yourself. Bluelight also has some good benzo recovery info. Its horrible when doctors are so heartless and quick to blame depression. It's an easy out for them when they don't want to say they don't actually know. Cop out.

Honestly, if you could get on some kind of substitution script, like diazepam and reduce over a long period it might help. That's how most people come off zolpidem/ambien. Stopping dead is the worst way to do it. They should never have given it you like that and not done something to ween you off later on. Something is wrong there and they should be made aware and/or held accountable. Doctors are so wreckless with peoples well being these days but they'll keep you alive and suffering against your will. It just shows how confused medicine is both ethically and professionally. Makes me so mad!

I really hope something improves for you. Really think you should look for something to substitute the ambien and taper off it. Your symproms are exactly like benzo withdrawal. Brain zaps and insomnia.

 

[AnnyMyr]

More than anything, I want to become healthy and live. But this is no longer possible.

 

[Graytaichi]

Benzos withdrawals cant cold turkey, u need to taper it off by taking less ane lesser each time .

If you want any suggestion or motivation to ctb certainly its not here.

 

[HappyForever?]

Same here. I would love to have a happy life with a partner, but it's highly unlikely due to my appearance.

 

[Darkover]

i think most people would just want to get better but unfortunately are dealing with incurable health problems, what can you do but ctb

 

[Ednospatient]

I would love to live a happy and care-free life but my illness is preventing me from doing so.

 

[Al_stargate]

I can't imagine what you're going through but I sympathize because I also want to live and had a good life before it got ruined by a lying surgeon. This spring is making me incredibly depressed, would like to go out cycling but now I'm stuck inside. The medical profession really is in hell of its own. It's obvious to anyone with an ounce of common sense that taking any unnatural medications for long time is not good but the medical establishment and pharma keep pushing it, of course, to make money of sick people. Because they're in a position of authority nobody questions them.

 

[Sm42]

I understand you deeply. For 5 years or maybe more, I am not sure anymore I started to feel weird but I could go on. As the years passed, I started to feel parts of my body were missing and others weren't in the right place. After my dog died I started to feel sometimes like her, I felt I was buried alive, I felt that I didn't have skull , the stomach in the brain,among many other things.
I would like to continue my life as it was before but it is not possible. I tried all sort of therapies but they made my problem even worse.
Next month I am going to visit some friends in my original country to say them goodbye ( they don't know about my plan) as I live abroad.
I am angry with the situation , I am angry because I used to feel I was living the life I wanted, now I don't feel my soul anymore.
So, you are not the only one with this terrible feeling.

 

[GentleJerk]

You're not alone, I don't want to die either but health issues are forcing my hand, but for different reasons. You sound like a genuinely nice person, and I'm sorry to hear you have so much going on that is making your life way harder than it should be. Insomnia is hellish, what you have to deal with everyday sounds incredibly rough. I hope you can find something that might help improve things even just a little, enough so you can get some decent rest at least.

 

[Chico56]

Yes, I feel the same. People destroyed my personal life and I have no other choice. No one to hold on anymore. Long term friends are gone.

 

[summertimestars4]

you're not alone, i feel the same. physical health issues that have diminished and destroyed my quality of life are the reason i'm here. almost 2 years of constant pain and i've tried everything to improve or resolve it, to no avail. i'm very disappointed but also don't want to see myself suffer endlessly. i'm sorry for your pain and that life has dealt you these cards.

 

[Smart No More]

I can't imagine what you're going through but I sympathize because I also want to live and had a good life before it got ruined by a lying surgeon. This spring is making me incredibly depressed, would like to go out cycling but now I'm stuck inside. The medical profession really is in hell of its own. It's obvious to anyone with an ounce of common sense that taking any unnatural medications for long time is not good but the medical establishment and pharma keep pushing it, of course, to make money of sick people. Because they're in a position of authority nobody questions them.

So true! I am insanely frustrated that more people can't see this. It's almost like they're not looking at the same things. Common sense is far from common.

 

[lymestolemylife]

Hi all,

I am grappling with this -- I don't want to die -- I want to live, I want to go out and explore the world, have a meaningful impact, develop my current relationships with my wonderful friends.... BUT, health wise, I am so unlucky - I have severe treatment resistant depression and react hospital-worthy badly to all anti-depressants/psych meds (I've tried 30+), after using an anti histamine for sleep for 5 years (and then that stopped working) and then my doctor telling me to take ambien for sleep, something got messed up and I am no longer able to sleep at all. AT ALL. I don't feel sleepy, I have no sleep drive. Sleep doctors have ruled out apnea and narcolepsy, which is literally all they can do, and have blamed this on depression, depression I literally can't treat. They're no help.

I have insulin resistance and for some reason metformin causes psychosis. I do not know why. Im developing circulation issues, I have the MTHFR mutation but all supplements cause agitation. I have no idea the effect that it's having on me and my mental and physical health.

I have permanent withdrawal symptoms from ambien - I am in a chronically agitated state-- all noises feel like tiny knives digging into my skull. I am angry and everyone and everything around me. I was on an anti psychotic and it only made things worse.

I am entirely lucid, but I feel myself going clinically insane, and no one knows why.

I think it was complex polypharmacy of psychiatric medications I have been taking for years (literally 4 drugs at once for 5 years), but I dont know. There's no coming back from that damage, and there's no telling what damage it has done.

I'm pissed. I want to live. My last job was actually as a crisis counselor for the National Suicide Prevention Hotline (ironically) and it was the most fulfilling job. Even working retail would fulfill me at this point -- I just crave life... yet I literally can't function every day. I crawl through each minute, I can't hold down a job because I'm entirely sleepless, noises stabbing my brain, constantly agitated beyond belief, angry at my parents for being emotionally abusive and not helping me. At my core, angry for the circumstances that ruined my brain and took away my ability to sleep. Angry that I've been struggling with depression since youth. Angry I've had insulin resistance/systemic inflammation since youth and no one caught it. Angry at the progression of the cataclysmic set of circumstances that led to this severe dysfunction-- the entire inability to sleep, and constant severe agitation. Angry at the world for death being my only option when I just want to live-- but not like this.

Angry I can't be afforded a peaceful physician assisted death -- that I don't have a discernible terminal illness, but all the pain and trauma that comes with it.

I can pinpoint the drugs that caused me to become permanently agitated and unable to sleep and I wish I could go back and not take them. I wish I could go back and tell myself to never take psychiatric medications. Maybe then I'd be able to sleep. If I could sleep, I wouldn't need to die.

Every day is legitimately traumatic-- from the pain. I'm so mad my life was taken from me before I could truly live it.

I'm not looking for health solutions as I've tried everything. I'm just looking for a single soul who can relate-- to wanting so badly to live, but circumstances making that absolutely impossible no matter what way it's looked at.

Sending love to you all. It's really hard out here. <3

I relate Love. I do not want to go. I am being forced to make this decision from sheer torture. I have a very happy marriage. My husband is my everything. We make enough money to be comfortable every thing would be ok if it wasn't for my health, well that's not true, there are things looming on the world stage that are very disturbing. Anyhow, I have to go. I have Chronic Lyme Disease, Chronic Pain (severe and daily) and now Long covid. I also have a torn disk on my L5. I simply cannot take it anymore. I've tried everything. Im in pain in bed all day long every single day and it has been going pretty bad now in a Severe I mean severe state for at least 3 years, and it keeps getting worse. It's like life is forcing me to do this. I just keep getting hit over and over with new symptoms. I just developed ocular neurits. My neck now hurts severely every day like knives are in my neck from the Long Covid.

 

[ShellofmyFormerSelf]

I have exactly the same problem. Or at least strikingly similar. I would rather feel emotion and sleep... but I can't. I can't feel tired. I can't remember if I've slept.

I'm sorry that your life has been taken away from you. I really am...

 

[GetMeOut]

I'm the same as you. There is so much I'd like to do, but I've had to accept that all of it is beyond my reach. It's very painful, very painful.

But it's 8am now, and the supermarket just opened, and I'm going to buy more beer so I can extend my drinking into a twelfth hour.

 

[Maxivee]

My circumstances are different but our stories have some parallels. I mistakenly thought I was a trans man, started taking Testosterone which as expected gave me some body hair and a male-sounding voice, and also brought back puberty-related trauma I had as well as giving me severe sexual dysfunction since I no longer can *enjoy myself* properly now that I no longer have synthetic testosterone coursing through me. I am also severely dysphoric from the testosterone I took. I once did not care. Ironically, I have a Masters in Social Work and was also going to do counselling and be a gender therapist before all of this happened. If I could go back to July 2020 and make a few different choices I would definitely do that over taking my own life. So, same but different

 

[ShellofmyFormerSelf]

My circumstances are different but our stories have some parallels. I mistakenly thought I was a trans man, started taking Testosterone which as expected gave me some body hair and a male-sounding voice, and also brought back puberty-related trauma I had as well as giving me severe sexual dysfunction since I no longer can *enjoy myself* properly now that I no longer have synthetic testosterone coursing through me. I am also severely dysphoric from the testosterone I took. I once did not care. Ironically, I have a Masters in Social Work and was also going to do counselling and be a gender therapist before all of this happened. If I could go back to July 2020 and make a few different choices I would definitely do that over taking my own life. So, same but different

Hey, this is going to sound bizarre. But I ended up using testosterone for a year, before stopping (before detransitioning). Is it okay to ask if testosterone had any impact on your ability to feel emotions?

 

[Maxivee]

Hey, this is going to sound bizarre. But I ended up using testosterone for a year, before stopping (before detransitioning). Is it okay to ask if testosterone had any impact on your ability to feel emotions?

Hi, I was on a low dose so not really. I had more energy, more anxiety, and a disgustingly high libido