Venting i dont want to die but im nothing

[DestinyRot707]

i love my friends and family, but i cant talk to them about this stuff. i know its scary, ive been on the receiving end of the kind of talks i wish i could have and i dont want them to feel as scared and helpless as i felt- a part of me is also just scared that theyd hate me, or think i hate them, but i still want to feel like maybe im talking to someone so.

i dont know if i want to die, i flip flop back and forth on it so much its so confusing. ive made a few attempts, but the thought of all the people id be leaving behind and the general fear of death compelled me to save myself every time. i want to see whats next, im curious about this world and i want to hold out hope that maybe tomorrow will be a better day, but im so useless. i fuck everything up. i cant do anything right and whenever i feel like im on a roll i do something stupid and ruin everything. i cant hold a job, i cant remember simple things, and at this point im so scared of failing again that i just cant do anything. i feel like im not allowed to just be alive, just see tomorrow, just be with the people i love. im so useless, and it makes me feel unworthy of all the people who care about me. i cant offer them anything, i dont have anything for them, but they give me so much. everything i have is from them, and theres nothing i can do to give back. im such an empty worthless person, i have no substance on my own. i feel like a parasite and i worry that im bleeding the people i love dry. i dont want to be like this, i dont want to be a tax on anyone. but i know that if i die theyll be sad, my friend group has already lost a massive pillar in our group, and i dont think even 2 years is enough that theyve made enough progress that my death wouldnt bring them back to that place. i wish i would just disappear. i wish they would all forget about me or hate me. i wish i was better.

 

[betternever2havbeen]

Depression does tend to make people feel the way you are describing. Have you talked to a doctor or therapist or anything? I understand not wanting to talk to your friends and family about this sort of stuff, it's pretty heavy and you don't wanna worry them or depress them. If there is a friend or family member who knows anything about mental health and won't get upset at you speaking honestly I'd try talking to them-maybe don't let on how bad you are feeling until you know they'll be able to handle it. If not well that's what this site is for-you can talk about everything you are feeling and people will just listen so feel free to vent here anytime.

I think you are probably being really hard on yourself, if you have a good friendship group who stick by you, you must have something to offer. A lot more than you think I bet.

 

[FuneralCry]

That must be such a tiring and awful situation to be trapped in, life really is just so unnecessarily cruel and it's such a horrible world we exist in where people suffer so much. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[CrappyMJ]

I just wanted to say that I'm having the exact situation as you. Word for word

I also had a few attempts but I'm unsure if I want to leave or stay. I want to see the world and how it turns out but life is so cruel and painful and it makes me second guess myself.

I just hope I find peace one day...

 

[DestinyRot707]

Depression does tend to make people feel the way you are describing. Have you talked to a doctor or therapist or anything? I understand not wanting to talk to your friends and family about this sort of stuff, it's pretty heavy and you don't wanna worry them or depress them. If there is a friend or family member who knows anything about mental health and won't get upset at you speaking honestly I'd try talking to them-maybe don't let on how bad you are feeling until you know they'll be able to handle it. If not well that's what this site is for-you can talk about everything you are feeling and people will just listen so feel free to vent here anytime.

I think you are probably being really hard on yourself, if you have a good friendship group who stick by you, you must have something to offer. A lot more than you think I bet.

ive tried getting therapy, but its way out of town for me and i have an evening orientated schedule and the only office i can afford has very limited hours. i just cant really find the energy for all of it to be honest, and i havent had great experiences with therapy in the past. ive thought about it and ive tried, but its not very accessible. i think its inevitable that anyone who knows and cares personally will be upset, and most of my family deals with bein upset by bein angry and most of my friends deal with bein upset by makin fun of it, n i know i wont be able to handle either type of response so i think its best this way.
even if im hard on myself i dont really think its unwarranted. no idea what my friends like about me, but i appreciate them bein around. their presence in my life is reassurance enough on good days but i dont want to bog them down on my bad days