Venting I don't want to die, but I should

[rashlan]

An odd thing to preface here, but bear with me.

I know I need to.

I've been ready to for over 10 years. I wanted to ctb but haven't actively tried except a handful of impromptu attempts over the last 15 years. For the past 10 years I've been perfectly happy to ctb incidentally at any point, no regrets.

I've had an incident that means I will never trust a councillor/psychiatrist. I've been on various medications and seem to have finally been on one long enough that I'm starting to feel like living is not such a bad idea.

I hate it.

I'm a terrible person.

This is probably just my excuse but I had a brother with NPD and sociopathic tendencies bordering on psychopathic, about a decade older than me. They basically raised me. They were in my ear from the day I was born teaching me certain ways to speak and certain phrases to say to get what I wanted (turns out it was what he wanted me to get for him, whatever that whim was that day). Eventually this brother figured out a dastardly plan to get my dad out of the house (he could manipulate our mother well, but not him).

Well it worked. He left and the next 15 years my father figure was him. Through my adolescent years I became increasingly emotionless and I've been lucky enough to speak to a few partners more recently that have basically made me realise I was a total asshole. I honestly thought I was being nice, kind, thoughtful and caring. But when they showed me messages or reminded me of certain situations they told it completely differently than how I remembered it. Like I wasn't even actually there (a bit like Fight Club, being an outside observer to my own past).

I have tried for the past decade to be aware of myself, but I know that to me affection and "love" are just getting attention. I want attention. I want to be recognised and lauded and I try really hard to get it.

The worst thing for me was actually realising how I act. I was blissfully ignorant but I know I can't be that person that ruins someone else's life.

So I've been ready to ctb for a long time but now I feel like I want to live and It's certainly conflicting to say the least.

 

[Vi_Onpa_RealKing]

Thanks for sharing your story. When you said "I know I can't be that person that ruins someone else's life," does it mean you feel like if you continued to live you will ruin other people's lives or that you are already ruining someone's life? Or neither? Sorry about the confusion.

 

[rashlan]

I've stepped away from intimate relationships. Actually all relationships. I was at the point where I was aware of what I was, but close with a partner. I decided to tell them what I thought was happening to me. The next day they told me they couldn't be with me. It really hurt, even though I said everything deliberately to push them away.

I do not want to hurt anyone. Ever. My brain just gets confused at the difference between affection and attention and that leads to problems.

It's not their fault so they shouldn't have to deal with it. And since I rely on attention for happiness I'm pushing away the one thing that makes me happy. So Being alive becomes pointless.
My brother didn't have the conflict I have, they just had a great time. Actually I guess he realised in the end. Not because of his partners but because of me. I stopped speaking to him and resented him. He tried to make up with me recently but I rejected him. He recently ctb.

I wanted nothing to do with it but my mother made me a pall bearer and I didn't want to upset her so I went along with it. I was completely numb. Not angry, just numb. Several months later I just burst into tears. He's in my dreams so often giving me advice, trying to help. I guess he always was trying to help, in his own way. But he had his own problems because of his father who was worse than him(he's my half-brother).

I'm jealous that he got to ctb, and I hate him for what he did to me, but I love him for always looking out for me, teaching me. My mind is in tangles.

 

[Golden]

You definitely don't sound like a terrible person, quite the opposite