I don’t want to die but I see no other way

[dontknowwheretoturn]

I made a lot of money in crypto last year but I was also dealing with a manic spiral at the same time. Long story short I have nothing to show for it and I owe close to 40k in taxes. I'm also being evicted from my apartment and had my car (a 2021 lease) reposessed. I have two credit cards maxed out in collections. I just completely stopped paying everything and went on tour with GD. Everything is falling down around me. I don't see a way out of this mess.

Are financial reasons enough to do it? I'm now back at my parents house with nothing and no job. I feel like I was just thrown into a hurricane and now I'm picking up the pieces but it's way too overwhelming.

I don't know what to do.

 

[JakeFlake]

Where are you from?

 

[JamieJambo]

I feel like my life has turned to shit with similar magnitude... Not money issues but similar in terms of everything collapsing around me

 

[dontknowwheretoturn]

Where are you from?

I'm from upstate New York. I was in nyc for almost 10 years on my own before this. I had a pretty big following on social media and showed I was sad one day, next thing you know I'm in a psych ward. Since august I've been taken to one 4 times. One of my stays was a month long. They out me on psych meds that so nothing but make me groggy. I've gained almost 40 lbs in two months from seroque/lQuetiapine (spelling?) and gabapentine (spelling). I have a tele appointment with a therapist on Friday and hopefully I'll be able to get my meds adjusted. I go back and forth from just wanting to die and wanting to figure it out — but it all feels like it's way too much. I'm way too overwhelmed. I'm 31 and at this rate I'll never meet anyone or have a family. Who would want to be with someone in south debt? And how would I ever care for my own kids? My life feels like it's over.

I feel like my life has turned to shit with similar magnitude... Not money issues but similar in terms of everything collapsing around me

It's a crazy feeling to just feel like you've lost control of your entire life. I don't know how I'll ever get back on track and I don't know if I have the strength to even try.

 

[JamieJambo]

Dublin

I'm from upstate New York. I was in nyc for almost 10 years on my own before this. I had a pretty big following on social media and showed I was sad one day, next thing you know I'm in a psych ward. Since august I've been taken to one 4 times. One of my stays was a month long. They out me on psych meds that so nothing but make me groggy. I've gained almost 40 lbs in two months from seroque/lQuetiapine (spelling?) and gabapentine (spelling). I have a tele appointment with a therapist on Friday and hopefully I'll be able to get my meds adjusted. I go back and forth from just wanting to die and wanting to figure it out — but it all feels like it's way too much. I'm way too overwhelmed. I'm 31 and at this rate I'll never meet anyone or have a family. Who would want to be with someone in south debt? And how would I ever care for my own kids? My life feels like it's over.

It's a crazy feeling to just feel like you've lost control of your entire life. I don't know how I'll ever get back on track and I don't know if I have the strength to even try.

Man I am sorry to hear that for real
I'm the same. Cant see a way through

 

[Shu]

You went on your with the Grateful Dead?

 

[BigG91]

I'm from upstate New York. I was in nyc for almost 10 years on my own before this. I had a pretty big following on social media and showed I was sad one day, next thing you know I'm in a psych ward. Since august I've been taken to one 4 times. One of my stays was a month long. They out me on psych meds that so nothing but make me groggy. I've gained almost 40 lbs in two months from seroque/lQuetiapine (spelling?) and gabapentine (spelling). I have a tele appointment with a therapist on Friday and hopefully I'll be able to get my meds adjusted. I go back and forth from just wanting to die and wanting to figure it out — but it all feels like it's way too much. I'm way too overwhelmed. I'm 31 and at this rate I'll never meet anyone or have a family. Who would want to be with someone in south debt? And how would I ever care for my own kids? My life feels like it's over.

It's a crazy feeling to just feel like you've lost control of your entire life. I don't know how I'll ever get back on track and I don't know if I have the strength to even try.

Did they diagnose you when you were in the psych ward ? How can someone be taken to the psych ward for being sad one day ?

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you are going through this, it sounds so stressful and unbearable being in that situation. It really can be awful when things just get worse. I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do.

 

[dontknowwheretoturn]

You went on your with the Grateful Dead?

I did. For a few months on the last tour

Did they diagnose you when you were in the psych ward ? How can someone be taken to the psych ward for being sad one day ?

I was diagnosed with depression in the past and I mentioned to them that I had stopped taking my sertraline because I felt better… huge mistake. I had no idea what they could do or what would happen.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

Similar happened to me

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

You went on your with the Grateful Dead?

I used to see lots of shows dating back to 1983 (I'm old)

 

[dontknowwheretoturn]

I used to see lots of shows dating back to 1983 (I'm old)

Being at those shows is the last time that I can remember being happy … and I went alone

Im on disability 35 next week. Debt out of my ass and live with my mom. So i can relate. No hope here

It sucks. It just feels like a dark tunnel with no way out. Like it's just going to get deeper darker and colder. I hate this. I feel for you and I'm here for you.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Honestly, a lot of us here don't want to die per say. Dying is just the lesser of the two evils between it and existing under our current set of circumstances.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I think for some, financial issues are enough. Only you can determine if that's enough reason for you. I mean, you could set up repayment arrangements with the IRS if you were so inclined and pay off in installments over years. Other people do it. Other people get new jobs, too. Is that something you're willing to do? Is there enough "happiness" in your life from other things to sustain you? Things going on in your life that you just can't live without? Or, better put, things you just can't do without? Because if there is, and you die, you will be doing without all of those, possibly, "good things".

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

I can honestly say not a single day had gone by between 1983 and last year that I didn't listen to the Grateful Dead… (I wasn't absolutely obsessed but it was just part of my life)
But for the past year I haven't listen to any music whatsoever… I can't stand to experience anything happy… no books or film … It just makes me sad if that makes any sense… It just reminds me of what I once used to be… You hit that point of no return and there's no escape… All that sense of adventure and possibility extinguished…

 

[dontknowwheretoturn]

Honestly, a lot of us here don't want to die per say. Dying is just the lesser of the two evils between it and existing under our current set of circumstances.

I agree. I guess that's why I find comfort here. It doesn't feel as alone as it does when people are just telling you that it gets better or putting you in a Psych ward.

 

[Al_stargate]

Sorry man, same situation just not monetarily. Botched medical procedure and I'm here. And my life was great. Not sure if GD was meant as Grateful Dead, but big fan of a band as well. If you live with your parents 40k can be paid off with US salary, maybe year or two.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

I agree. I guess that's why I find comfort here. It doesn't feel as alone as it does when people are just telling you that it gets better or putting you in a Psych ward.

I have found that my state of mind has "improved "… I stopped taking antidepressants after 25 years and my brain cleared of fog… Extreme agitation that I felt at the moment my life collapsed and for several months after… Receded… But the dire existential circumstances are still the same… And every day I feel like interacting with the outside world less and less…

 

[dontknowwheretoturn]

I can honestly say not a single day had gone by between 1983 and last year that I didn't listen to the Grateful Dead… (I wasn't absolutely obsessed but it was just part of my life)
But for the past year I haven't listen to any music whatsoever… I can't stand to experience anything happy… no books or film … It just makes me sad if that makes any sense… It just reminds me of what I once used to be… You hit that point of no return and there's no escape… All that sense of adventure and possibility extinguished…

I haven't listened to music since I got back. It's been months. I get how you feel completely. My younger brother got engaged last month and I bursted out crying because I feel like I'm not able to enjoy happy things … anything happy makes me sad because I'm too overwhelmed with sadness and darkness. Seeing happy families/seeing people have fun makes me so upset. I don't know if I'm jealous of their happiness or if I've just hit that point. I would have thought I'd last a little longer than 31.. but here I am.

Sorry man, same situation just not monetarily. Botched medical procedure and I'm here. And my life was great. Not sure if GD was meant as Grateful Dead, but big fan of a band as well. If you live with your parents 40k can be paid off with US salary, maybe year or two.

Grateful dead <3 yes.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

I haven't listened to music since I got back. It's been months. I get how you feel completely. My younger brother got engaged last month and I bursted out crying because I feel like I'm not able to enjoy happy things … anything happy makes me sad because I'm too overwhelmed with sadness and darkness. Seeing happy families/seeing people have fun makes me so upset. I don't know if I'm jealous of their happiness or if I've just hit that point. I would have thought I'd last a little longer than 31.. but here I am.

Grateful dead <3 yes.

Do you have any type of skill set or a professional competency? Is there someway you can dig yourself out of the financial hole you are in?

 

[dontknowwheretoturn]

Do you have any type of skill set or a professional competency? Is there someway you can dig yourself out of the financial hole you are in?

My degree is in public relations and I've only ever worked at advertising agencies or bartended. I don't have a particular skill but I wish I did. I can't think of anything. Hell I'd sell thc if I had my car still.