I don't want to die but I can't take the pain anymore

[sadbunny]

It's been over a year now of me having thoughts about suicide, It's constantly in my mind, I was hoping that one day I'd wake up...and that things would be different..but nothing has changed and I don't feel better. I've accepted my fate..I'm scared..so scared of what comes afterwards. Telling me that there is nothing isn't comforting.

My life hasn't always been horrible, I actually loved life all of my life (I'm 28) until 2 years ago..and now I have to end it...I never saw this coming. My life is so dark now. Anxiety has taken over, panic attacks creep up on me, and now I'm useless.

I went from hopes, dreams, and anything is possible...to not being able to function in society as a normal person..I can't make connections with anyone anymore...I'm lonely/friendless, sad, and angry, and so so tired....

I've tried therapy and that didn't work for me, I've been on medication and that didn't help me either..everyone thinks I'm okay, but that's because I've given up..I'm tired of people worrying about me when I know that the situation is hopeless.

I hate the fact that I can't tell the people that I love good-bye as I've always had close relationships.

but it's time to say goodbye soon..I have my method, and now all that I have to do is order my SN..I have everything else that's recommended for this method to be successful.

well that's all for now, sorry for the messy paragraph, but I really needed a place to vent, thanks for reading.

 

[blanketyblk]

hugs friend, i so know how hard it is to make connection with people. i always fail at it myself. it's bloody difficulty when there is just something 'slightly different' about you that other seem to pickup. so hugs! for people like us, life does indeed suck!

 

[Kyrok]

Thanks for posting this. A very clear account of where you are. Welcome to SS

 

[Rukia]

What did happen two years ago if you dont mind me asking?

 

[WaterUnder]

It is possible to live with anxiety and manage it. Although managing it is more on a sliding scale than an absolute.

It's so easy to get stuck in the loop of focusing on what is "wrong" with us and lose sight of all that is "right".

You have people you are close with, people you clearly care about.

As for therapy not working, therapy isn't a cure. It doesn't fix you. But, a good therapist should be able to help you cope with the anxiety. If one therapist hasn't helped you, find another. You are definitely worth the effort.

What I do know, is that the more that we turn ourselves over to anxiety, the less access we have to life. Keep fighting for yourself. It's not hopeless. Maybe some of your dreams and expectations need to be reevaluated and modified, but that's just part of adulthood.

Wishing you the best.

 

[deathenvoy]

What meds did you try?

 

[dandan]

Come on man, 2 years and you want to get off , easily?
I mean easily because you wrote , you hope one day you wake up and things be okay (or different)

man I've been electroshocked, hospitalized, intern in rehabs centers, and fucked up most of my life, and medicated my ass off.
I have 2 suicide attempts, but 2 years suffering and wanting to die, it makes me want to vent, cause ive been suffering....

I have now my N
I have my antiemetics
I have the Nitrogen method too, and even 1kg of Sodium Cyanide

but I know that there are some things I will get done before I go,,,,,

at least I hope,,,,,,,,

I actually also understand how hard it is to have lost your abilities, social interaction, even understanding myself at some point.
Im beautiful, I look good, but I have no girlfriend, well, yeah there's a girl who actually loves me, but I never told her my deepest turnmoil,

I enjoyed being with her, and she visited me and we had great sex!! but she never knew I suffered depression and had suicidal thoughts.....

Listen man... I understand how bad this shit can get.... and yes, I know many many many days I wish I was off.....

but since I got my N, I've been trying to give life one more chance.......

but I know is not going to be different when I wake up.... no.....

I have to fucking do something.... its my fucking call, its my fucking responsability, and yes, sometimes is to much for me..... it really is....

so I feel I'll die as a fucking coward, but today I'm struggling to try to get a different perspective.....

I took a leadership training program, human transformation, based on John Hanley's Lifespring course.... (also a book)

so I will give it my shot today,

I'll have you in mind, I know I can turn suicidal again any minute, but I know I have my N and I dont worry much anymore about all that process of how difficult it could be actually catching the bus......

you dont want to die, but cant take the pain??

damm.... im sorry man... I've been there many times... its awful...

sorry man, im just venting in your post too... .

 

[throwaway123]

I think for many(including me) it is largely due to a lack of proper method.

If I had N or SN it wouldn't be so hard. Most people want a peaceful death. The people that are capable of going via hard methods like trains, bridge etc.. are not here. They wouldn't hesitate. They are already gone because they took whatever they had readily available. That's what people here don't understand.

 

[Chlo]

I think for many(including me) it is largely due to a lack of proper method.

If I had N or SN it wouldn't be so hard. Most people want a peaceful death. The people that are capable of going via hard methods like trains, bridge etc.. are not here. They wouldn't hesitate. They are already gone because they took whatever they had readily available. That's what people here don't understand.

I think most* people who choose those methods experienced a trauma right before as well

 

[GeorgeJL]

It's been over a year now of me having thoughts about suicide, It's constantly in my mind, I was hoping that one day I'd wake up...and that things would be different..but nothing has changed and I don't feel better. I've accepted my fate..I'm scared..so scared of what comes afterwards. Telling me that there is nothing isn't comforting.

My life hasn't always been horrible, I actually loved life all of my life (I'm 28) until 2 years ago..and now I have to end it...I never saw this coming. My life is so dark now. Anxiety has taken over, panic attacks creep up on me, and now I'm useless.

I went from hopes, dreams, and anything is possible...to not being able to function in society as a normal person..I can't make connections with anyone anymore...I'm lonely/friendless, sad, and angry, and so so tired....

I've tried therapy and that didn't work for me, I've been on medication and that didn't help me either..everyone thinks I'm okay, but that's because I've given up..I'm tired of people worrying about me when I know that the situation is hopeless.

I hate the fact that I can't tell the people that I love good-bye as I've always had close relationships.

but it's time to say goodbye soon..I have my method, and now all that I have to do is order my SN..I have everything else that's recommended for this method to be successful.

well that's all for now, sorry for the messy paragraph, but I really needed a place to vent, thanks for reading.

I can give you advice on the afterlife if you want.

 

[Yaalya]

It's been over a year now of me having thoughts about suicide, It's constantly in my mind, I was hoping that one day I'd wake up...and that things would be different..but nothing has changed and I don't feel better. I've accepted my fate..I'm scared..so scared of what comes afterwards. Telling me that there is nothing isn't comforting.

My life hasn't always been horrible, I actually loved life all of my life (I'm 28) until 2 years ago..and now I have to end it...I never saw this coming. My life is so dark now. Anxiety has taken over, panic attacks creep up on me, and now I'm useless.

I went from hopes, dreams, and anything is possible...to not being able to function in society as a normal person..I can't make connections with anyone anymore...I'm lonely/friendless, sad, and angry, and so so tired....

I've tried therapy and that didn't work for me, I've been on medication and that didn't help me either..everyone thinks I'm okay, but that's because I've given up..I'm tired of people worrying about me when I know that the situation is hopeless.

I hate the fact that I can't tell the people that I love good-bye as I've always had close relationships.

but it's time to say goodbye soon..I have my method, and now all that I have to do is order my SN..I have everything else that's recommended for this method to be successful.

well that's all for now, sorry for the messy paragraph, but I really needed a place to vent, thanks for reading.

i also suddenly lost my life at age 21 when schizophrenia began. It was hard to accept that my life was over, but the pain all these years has done its job.

 

[Kjo]

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's miserable and difficult for everyone.

It's your life and your choice. I encourage you to keep trying different therapists and different medications. Ketamine. ECT. There are so many options. It gets worse before it gets better; it might be able to get better still.

Your life could be completely different in a few years, if you wanted it.
Best wishes regardless of your choice.
My heart goes out to you.

 

[azucaramargo]

It's been over a year now of me having thoughts about suicide, It's constantly in my mind, I was hoping that one day I'd wake up...and that things would be different..but nothing has changed and I don't feel better. I've accepted my fate..I'm scared..so scared of what comes afterwards. Telling me that there is nothing isn't comforting.

My life hasn't always been horrible, I actually loved life all of my life (I'm 28) until 2 years ago..and now I have to end it...I never saw this coming. My life is so dark now. Anxiety has taken over, panic attacks creep up on me, and now I'm useless.

I went from hopes, dreams, and anything is possible...to not being able to function in society as a normal person..I can't make connections with anyone anymore...I'm lonely/friendless, sad, and angry, and so so tired....

I've tried therapy and that didn't work for me, I've been on medication and that didn't help me either..everyone thinks I'm okay, but that's because I've given up..I'm tired of people worrying about me when I know that the situation is hopeless.

I hate the fact that I can't tell the people that I love good-bye as I've always had close relationships.

but it's time to say goodbye soon..I have my method, and now all that I have to do is order my SN..I have everything else that's recommended for this method to be successful.

well that's all for now, sorry for the messy paragraph, but I really needed a place to vent, thanks for reading.

LostLife, did something happen two years ago? Something that spurred your depression? You describe your emotional state so vividly and poignantly. I saw your post tonight, and I related so well to the thread title -- just wishing I could die right now. Anyway, the way you write -- it's hard to believe that you don't connect with people. Your writing resonates with me. The idea that the people around you can't sense your anguish...that must be terribly lonely. Why do you think things are hopeless? You're very young, and clearly very intelligent. Please talk to your fellow SS'ers. We are here for you.

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's miserable and difficult for everyone.

It's your life and your choice. I encourage you to keep trying different therapists and different medications. Ketamine. ECT. There are so many options. It gets worse before it gets better; it might be able to get better still.

Your life could be completely different in a few years, if you wanted it.
Best wishes regardless of your choice.
My heart goes out to you.

This is a really hopeful and helpful post, Kjo. Thank you.

Come on man, 2 years and you want to get off , easily?
I mean easily because you wrote , you hope one day you wake up and things be okay (or different)

man I've been electroshocked, hospitalized, intern in rehabs centers, and fucked up most of my life, and medicated my ass off.
I have 2 suicide attempts, but 2 years suffering and wanting to die, it makes me want to vent, cause ive been suffering....

I have now my N
I have my antiemetics
I have the Nitrogen method too, and even 1kg of Sodium Cyanide

but I know that there are some things I will get done before I go,,,,,

at least I hope,,,,,,,,

I actually also understand how hard it is to have lost your abilities, social interaction, even understanding myself at some point.
Im beautiful, I look good, but I have no girlfriend, well, yeah there's a girl who actually loves me, but I never told her my deepest turnmoil,

I enjoyed being with her, and she visited me and we had great sex!! but she never knew I suffered depression and had suicidal thoughts.....

Listen man... I understand how bad this shit can get.... and yes, I know many many many days I wish I was off.....

but since I got my N, I've been trying to give life one more chance.......

but I know is not going to be different when I wake up.... no.....

I have to fucking do something.... its my fucking call, its my fucking responsability, and yes, sometimes is to much for me..... it really is....

so I feel I'll die as a fucking coward, but today I'm struggling to try to get a different perspective.....

I took a leadership training program, human transformation, based on John Hanley's Lifespring course.... (also a book)

so I will give it my shot today,

I'll have you in mind, I know I can turn suicidal again any minute, but I know I have my N and I dont worry much anymore about all that process of how difficult it could be actually catching the bus......

you dont want to die, but cant take the pain??

damm.... im sorry man... I've been there many times... its awful...

sorry man, im just venting in your post too... .

Thank you, dandan. Thank you for fighting.

 

[Orin]

I went from hopes, dreams, and anything is possible...to not being able to function in society as a normal person..I can't make connections with anyone anymore...I'm lonely/friendless, sad, and angry, and so so tired....

I think everyone here can relate to this.

If you need advice, or just someone to talk to, you can pm me anytime.

 

[azucaramargo]

It is possible to live with anxiety and manage it. Although managing it is more on a sliding scale than an absolute.

It's so easy to get stuck in the loop of focusing on what is "wrong" with us and lose sight of all that is "right".

You have people you are close with, people you clearly care about.

As for therapy not working, therapy isn't a cure. It doesn't fix you. But, a good therapist should be able to help you cope with the anxiety. If one therapist hasn't helped you, find another. You are definitely worth the effort.

What I do know, is that the more that we turn ourselves over to anxiety, the less access we have to life. Keep fighting for yourself. It's not hopeless. Maybe some of your dreams and expectations need to be reevaluated and modified, but that's just part of adulthood.

Wishing you the best.

WaterUnder, you are so wise and well-adjusted! What's your secret? I want to be as enlightened as you. You write with such objectivity AND warmth it's hard to imagine you've struggled to see through the foggy lenses of depression. Thank you for this very mature post.

 

[WaterUnder]

WaterUnder, you are so wise and well-adjusted! What's your secret? I want to be as enlightened as you. You write with such objectivity AND warmth it's hard to imagine you've struggled to see through the foggy lenses of depression. Thank you for this very mature post.

You are so sweet! But, it's not wisdom, it's age. It gives a different perspective. The biggest mistake I made, was looking outside myself for change, thinking that if the right person or right circumstances were there that life would be okay, so therefore I would be okay. What I ought to have done is fought like hell to give myself every opportunity to succeed, especially seeing a therapist and finding and UTILIZING better ways to cope.
Wish you the best, I know you can do this.

 

[ExitTheDay]

Sorry you're feeling this way I hope you find peace on whatever path you decide to go on

 

[azucaramargo]

You are so sweet! But, it's not wisdom, it's age. It gives a different perspective. The biggest mistake I made, was looking outside myself for change, thinking that if the right person or right circumstances were there that life would be okay, so therefore I would be okay. What I ought to have done is fought like hell to give myself every opportunity to succeed, especially seeing a therapist and finding and UTILIZING better ways to cope.
Wish you the best, I know you can do this.

Thank you, WaterUnder. I wish you'd take me undre your watery wing, and be my mentor. I want to learn to think and see so clearly.

 

[bruisedmind]

I am very sorry to hear this @LostLife i feel the same myself. I don't think anyone WANTS to be suicidal but life can be so cruel to some that we can't see any other option. I don't know iflife will will ever get better and I'm scared to stick around and find out. I completely understand how you feel and i hope you find an answer somehow

 

[MISERYinlife]

I feel ya I have been suffering with the same thing for twenty years now and it sucks big time sure I had some good times throughout but mostly not anxiety ruins a man and no one can understand that unless they have them I just been trying to come up with the best way since my guns were taken and also trying to get over the guilt of everyone saying they don't want me to do it but when your miserable and useless what else can ya do

 

[Alec]

Thank you for sharing your story with us! You have no idea how much it resonates with me and how much I feel like you. Although I've never had any real or close relationship, im unable to build any. But I am tired too, so tired. And I understand, and I feel so sorry you are in this situation! I hope you'll find relief soon, i will try to find mine too! sending all the love to you!

 

[Rollo]

My life hasn't always been horrible, I actually loved life all of my life (I'm 28) until 2 years ago..and now I have to end it...I never saw this coming. My life is so dark now. Anxiety has taken over, panic attacks creep up on me, and now I'm useless.

I went from hopes, dreams, and anything is possible...to not being able to function in society as a normal person..I can't make connections with anyone anymore...I'm lonely/friendless, sad, and angry, and so so tired....

What kind of stuff you're anxious and panicky over? What happened 2 years ago that made you like this?

 

[WaterUnder]

Wisdom comes from learni

Thank you, WaterUnder. I wish you'd take me undre your watery wing, and be my mentor. I want to learn to think and see so clearly.

Wisdom is learning from someone else's mistakes. We are stronger than we think we are.

 

[khw777]

LostLife, did something happen two years ago? Something that spurred your depression? You describe your emotional state so vividly and poignantly. I saw your post tonight, and I related so well to the thread title -- just wishing I could die right now. Anyway, the way you write -- it's hard to believe that you don't connect with people. Your writing resonates with me. The idea that the people around you can't sense your anguish...that must be terribly lonely. Why do you think things are hopeless? You're very young, and clearly very intelligent. Please talk to your fellow SS'ers. We are here for you.

This is a really hopeful and helpful post, Kjo. Thank you.

Thank you, dandan. Thank you for fighting.

Where did you find Sodium Cyanide.

 

[dyingalone123]

This story resonates with me

 

[ddd1234]

This story resonates with me

and with me. Just a couple of months ago I had everything. I ruined it with one mistake. Cannot believe it! I need to kill myself fast! God, bring me relief!

 

[dandan]

and with me. Just a couple of months ago I had everything. I ruined it with one mistake. Cannot believe it! I need to kill myself fast! God, bring me relief!

Simple silly small mistakes can cause irrepairable big consequences, in a witness and evidence on it