Discussion I don't want to die but don't want to live.

[Alcoholic Failure]

I have made multiple attempts to take my own life and I do not feel that life is worth living, the majority of the time. However, there are times that I feel that I am making a mistake, so I would like to get a view from both sides of the argument. What are your reasons for not ending it?

 

[Housefly]

Currently on SSRI that lessens the worst of my ideation. Still want to die but it's like a "If I wake up tomorrow there is no god" and then I wake up to a battle cry of *curse you perry the platypus*. When I am depressed I feel far too tired and apathetic that I don't deserve to eat, if I move I'm an attention seeking bitch that should get run over by an 18wheeler and hit every one of them.

There is no mistake in death as it is the only thing that we know for sure is fair in it's indifference. If you can imagine a life if you lived a little longer, write down what it looks like, focus on doable things small steps at time. If you can't, if you just don't want to anymore, you are in charge of your body. Your decisions are yours too make. Living longer sounds like such a drag but if you can stomach it march on.

Be well with whatever you choose.

 

[TransilvanianHunger]

For a while, my two reasons for sticking around were my cats, and my parents. I would never leave my cats behind because I simply don't trust anyone to take care of them as I do; and I wouldn't want to put my parents through the trouble and pain of dealing with my suicide. I told myself that, once my cats and my parents are gone, then I am free to off myself. But the more I've been working on myself and dealing with my issues, the less inclined I feel to do it.

I'm not in any kind of rush to check out, even though I still think I'll probably end up offing myself at some point. Instead, I've been trying to find things I can do with my time that are meaningful to me, and helpful to others. I don't know how much time I have left, but for now I think I'll just go with it and try to do something good with it.

 

[TydalWave]

I know it isn't logical, but I genuinely worry that there will be repercussions if I end my life. The closer I've gotten to actually doing it, the more spiritual I've gotten and I just can't kick the thought that ending my life prematurely will not be the end of the story or not fulfilling my purpose.

I used to be only attached to the physical world and it was so much easier for me to dismiss it. But if there is any purpose beyond the physical, then I don't see how leaving prematurely could be beneficial to that; unless it was destined to be our end. I know the younger me would have called myself crazy for thinking this. But this is whats keeping me in my place right now. I cant stomach the thought of watching a life review and what could have been and seeing my dumb ass fuck it up.

That being said, if the pain is greater than the joy in life, than I don't know if I or anyone could judge one for leaving.

 

[Someone123]

Since you have doubts recovery may be worth exploring, you can always change your mind. Alcohol is obviously a big concern for you that you would need to deal with for recovery- what other obstacles would you face? Maybe people here would have some ideas for recovery. I do respect choice for ctb completely though, so whichever path you choose is completely up to you. The main issues people with depression face are loneliness, financial issues, health problems, and addictions. Loneliness seems number one, though these other factors are huge and contribute a lot to loneliness.

 

[Alcoholic Failure]

For a while, my two reasons for sticking around were my cats, and my parents. I would never leave my cats behind because I simply don't trust anyone to take care of them as I do; and I wouldn't want to put my parents through the trouble and pain of dealing with my suicide. I told myself that, once my cats and my parents are gone, then I am free to off myself. But the more I've been working on myself and dealing with my issues, the less inclined I feel to do it.

I'm not in any kind of rush to check out, even though I still think I'll probably end up offing myself at some point. Instead, I've been trying to find things I can do with my time that are meaningful to me, and helpful to others. I don't know how much time I have left, but for now I think I'll just go with it and try to do something good with it.

I can relate to that. For me, at least in this moment, I focus on my twin brother. He has been through similar things that I have and I feel like it's not fair for me to off myself if he is still willing to stick it out. But at the same time, he understands my pain. Thank you for sharing your experience.

Since you have doubts recovery may be worth exploring, you can always change your mind. Alcohol is obviously a big concern for you that you would need to deal with for recovery- what other obstacles would you face? Maybe people here would have some ideas for recovery. I do respect choice for ctb completely though, so whichever path you choose is completely up to you. The main issues people with depression face are loneliness, financial issues, health problems, and addictions. Loneliness seems number one, though these other factors are huge and contribute a lot to loneliness.

Yes, I struggle with financial issues, alcoholism, loneliness, loss of self respect, depression, anxiety, and much more. I am uncertain because certainly death is the final solution.
I am conflicted because I have rebuilt my life a few times before and I do not want to hurt my family, but this time I feel like it is impossible to rebuild. I have also spent a lot of time educating myself on other viewpoints as far as religion goes and have concluded that I am an atheist. So that brings another component in.
Thank you for your contribution.

 

[LONE WOLF.]

I need to find someone who will accept responsibility for my ashes and those of my 2 dog's so our ashes will be scattered at the same location and we are released at the same time to cross Rainbow Bridge together

 

[UseItOrLoseIt]

This impulse. Fear of pain, survival instinct. That fucking thing.
And empathy for people that would die, inside or 4real, if i die. I'm a dissapointment to all of these people btw. But leaving them behind in such a way would mess with them. I'm sure. I don't want that. As much as I've suffered I don't like to spread the pain, like a disease. It reeks of weakness of spirit.
Yeah, I'm pretty much a stoic. Great choice for an ideal for someone who wants to die today. Just a brilliant choice.

 

[andaira2k]

Hey,
I can totally understand you and that your uncertain what to do in this situation.
I think it's the little things in life, that makes it good. For me it's a good sign, that you experience these "good" moments too.
Maybe you should try and figure out what really makes you happy and what doesn't. Try to dodge the bad stuff and catch the good moments.
There are ups and downs for everyone and that's totally normal, but you have to remember that once things go down, they will eventually go up again. Anything can happen anytime, this is what makes life exciting. Life wouldn't be cool if everything went as planned, it would just be boring.
Best of luck :)

 

[Tortured_empath]

I don't want to die, but I don't wan tto live either. It's because things are hard to manage… not because I despise life. Although for the most part it hasn't been that nice. I feel you.

 

[Duality]

I understand the feeling. I am often caught in between as well.

For myself, every time I feel like I want to end it "right now" I think well, why not one more day and see how I feel. At the same time I am ultimately prolonging my suffering.

But I am curious as to what'll happen the next day. I often think back to when I was very close to succeeding and think about what I would have missed if I had died. There are a couple of things that I am happy to have experienced, and one particular event that I would have regretted not being there for.

I'll conclude by saying to take it day by day but don't let anyone tell you otherwise if you feel like you're ready to go.

 

[Alcoholic Failure]

It's true that I've been in this place before and I've conquered it and moved on to find that I am capable of a lot more than I thought. But this time somehow feels different. I definitely believe that I've fucked things up beyond repair and that's why I can't decide.
Basically it will take years to make things liveable because I'm in the court system now. But at the end of it I will never ever have my family together like I thought I would and that's what eats at me. Why bother if I will forever live with the shame and regret of what I lost and could never have again?

 

[Valky]

This is giving me 'I wanna live and not just survive' vibes.

This is a really hard topic because it means that the good days are good but the bad days seem to be even worse.

,,Gotta have opposites, light and dark and dark and light, in painting. It's like in life. Gotta have a little sadness once in awhile so you know when the good times come. I'm waiting on the good times now.'' -Bob Ross

If there is something that is worth living for you then hold onto that. You got this and I am very proud of you :)

 

[charlotte_]

It is certainly hard to live in a world where there are so many struggles. I too, have thought of ending it all. In darkest times, I tend to ask myself what even is the point of being alive. Well, perhaps the only answer I have is that I'm too much of a coward to die. The only thing I can do now is to make my existence more bearable. I try to look for joy and comfort in tiny things in my life, and engage in things I like to do. I'm nowhere near recovered yet, but it does certainly make life less shitty to live in. Everything good in life feels way better after all suffering you gone through. Also, I haven't tried every ways to make myself better. I'm still looking for better ways, so that if I do end up dying at the end, at least I know I've tried. I didn't end my life, mental illnesses did. And I hope that tells smth to the mental health system.