Venting I don’t want to deny them the chance to understand.

[Merlay]

I don't want to deny them the chance to understand, so I've decided to reach out to my best friends and spill everything out, from my past to present. It was one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I knew it. I knew they don't have the capacity to understand the hell inside my head, no matter how detailed and profound I explain it to them. It sucks that I have this feeling to explain word by word the war inside of me. It's like the connection isn't parallel that I have this feeling to defend myself because they don't understand the way I want them to understand. I really don't like explaining myself. But they always assure me that I can talk to them, that they're going to listen. Now that I finally decided to tell them everything, about the past, that I'm just lying and pretending so I can cope up, I regret it. I absolutely regret it.

People can always tell you that you can talk to them.T Thatyou can always tell them what you want, what you think.
And once you opened up, once you reached out. . . It will hit you.

They said, you can always talk to them.
But that doesn't mean that they will try to understand you.
That doesn't guarantee that they will try to understand where you're coming.

Because when they offer themselves for you that you can talk to them, it's not about you.

It's about them.

They're going to put you in their place. They'll force you to see things their way. That it's going to be better. They'll tell you what you need to do in their own perspective, never considering what you really want to do.

And when they see that you're not taking their advice, they'll start blaming you.

I know. Because I've been there. That's how I learned to shut up.

I guess, you really have to be suicidal yourself in order to understand people who want to kill themselves.

I know, they're just trying to help. But in reality, it doesn't really help. But I can't tell them that I didn't asked for their advice, I never told them that I need them and their help. I told them because I just want to make peace with them, I just want to bring closure and reveal the truth about me before I finally lose my mind. I told them not because I'm crying for help. I never asked them to understand. But the way that they misunderstood me is tearing me apart.

I feel so frustrated and anxious. I shouldn't really have told them. I should've kept everything to myself.

But I have one best friend that truly understands me. But I hate myself so much that I can't accept any help, any shoulder to lean on.

I don't want to be a burden anymore.

I'm sorry for this nonsense. I just want to let this out. I feel like I'm going to explode if I don't.

I'm sorry.

 

[heraclitus]

People never really understand - they're fed up living but scared of dying. In their own way, your friends care and want to help. They don't want to lose you. Loving yet selfish.
Don't hate yourself, don't apologise for being who you are.
We're all the same here, on this forum. It is the only place to find understanding and advice, for most of us.