I don't want to ctb, I need to ctb. Does anyone else feel like that?

[calino2212]

What I mean by that is I kind of still want to live just to see the world evolve, how the entertainment industry will change, I want to see about that avatar studio as well.
But at the same time, I know if I stay here, I'll make everyone miserable, I'll make myself miserable, I'll feel useless. I really don't see any hopeful future where I change for the better as things have been worsening every year for the last 8 years to a point where I couldn't think I would reach my lowest point yet and then I actually reach it again and again.

All those reflecting moments are telling me that the only reason I'm still here is I don't want to ctb even though I need to. I know the future will be too grim for my head to function. I wish I could see all those things happen in the future but it's just selfish of me to only see it that way.

And so I hope I get the courage and the cowardness to actually go through with it in the following month.

So yeah was wondering, if you were more thinking that you want to ctb, that you need to ctb or both or neither?

 

[WornOutLife]

Well, I feel like this sometimes. Life and thinking of my future is so overwhelming that I just can't deal with it.

It doesn't happen to me all the time, though. That's why I'm still here.

 

[calino2212]

Well, I feel like this sometimes. Life and thinking of my future is so overwhelming that I just can't deal with it.

It doesn't happen to me all the time, though. That's why I'm still here.

I'm still here more because of the effort it takes to actually make the act happen but maybe it has to do with internally me not wanting to go through with it.

I think about life too much and I do nothing with it, that's the dain of my existence.

 

[Imaginos]

Yes, I feel like I need to die for my own sake. There's nothing in this world I wish to partake in, entirely on account of the fact that the way I'm put together mentally utterly disallows the possibility to begin with. If there's nothing to be gained by remaining alive, then sticking around in the face of it is the most self-defeating thing possible. If anything, my continued presence helps to ease the situation of everything else, at least as far as my family is concerned. If I were to die right now, then that would royally fuck things up far more than what harm is caused by my continued being. Me though, that's a different story. Looking ahead, the future couldn't be anymore bleak for me. Decades of further misery, boredom, and suffering. Nothing getting better. Everything getting worse.

It would do me very well to end it now, just as it would have equally done me well if I could've somehow killed myself 10 or 15 years ago. Nothing has happened in the interim to warrant not having done it. Quite the contrary, everything that's happened has only made me wish I had gotten run over by a semi-truck back then, instead of living to suffer though this excruciatingly empty life of mine where nothing even means anything to me anymore.

I mean, who cares about what happens to the entertainment industry. I'm permanently anhedonic now and it's all like ash in my mouth. For instance, I've got a VR headset in my closet that has remained unopened for over a year. Because I literally just don't give a shit and I can't be motivated to do fucking anything, even the sorts of things which would've blown my socks off when I was a kid.

I guess there's the rubbernecking schadenfreude of seeing the world fall apart, but even that seems tedious to me now. Short of a nuke going off in a heavily populated city, I don't think anything could phase or interest me at this point.

 

[booray]

I second what @Imaginos said. Anhedonia has robbed me of any and all joy that I once had in living. Not only do I want to die, I need to. I just want to get this over with, bucket list be damned!

 

[Prathibha]

Yes Nd it's horrible,,,I know how bad it is too,,,

 

[Arvinneedstodie]

Yes, I think im on the same exact boat as you. Actually, the boat I'm on has sunk 7 years ago, yet I'm still on it. I should have jumped the boat when I realized it was fast sinking, now I'm stuck on it as it sinks deeper and deeper. The pressure down here is unbearable, but I know there's always deeper dept waiting me unless I finally let go of this boat. I wish this boat didn't sink, and I regret not being able to just sail the oceans and experience it all.

 

[calino2212]

Yes, I think im on the same exact boat as you. Actually, the boat I'm on has sunk 7 years ago, yet I'm still on it. I should have jumped the boat when I realized it was fast sinking, now I'm stuck on it as it sinks deeper and deeper. The pressure down here is unbearable, but I know there's always deeper dept waiting me unless I finally let go of this boat. I wish this boat didn't sink, and I regret not being able to just sail the oceans and experience it all.

I don't know what to add to that since it's exactly how I feel.

 

[Pigeonman]

want to live, being forced to die

 

[Wrennie]

I want to live, I truly do... I don't want to leave behind the 'self' that I've cultivated and come to know for 24 years now, nor do I want to part with my precious family & friends. I just can't endure the physical and mental suffering any longer. I need to drift away into oblivion...

 

[blue_muse]

I know the feeling; it's being torn between approaching life through hope and a depressive-realist lens. In my case I've outstayed my welcome in this life and my death would be as low-key as my birth. Even though there are people trying to make me CTB asap, I will do so when I am damn well good and ready.

 

[noname223]

I can relate to this. I lose the battle. And it is quite obvious. I fight against suicidality, poverty etc. But the propects are horrific. I have a red line. I try to avoid it. But if my life continues to fail in almost every aspect. I gonna end it.

 

[killedbypsychiatry]

I can really relate to this... I really want to live, but not in this pain. Not with this shitty quality of life due to my disease. I am tired of the daily physical and mental torture. My physical problems hunt me. I am too disabled to enjoy life. I have always loved life with a passion previous to getting sick, I went from loving life soooo much to wanting to die in a matter of days because of a psychiatric drug. I feel so angry. My problems have no solution and thus I see death and the only way to stop this suffering. If I go on like this, I just see more suffering coming. I wish I could just go in the past and remove those pills from my mouth, but I can't, it's too late, the damage is done. I'm so so so sad and angry doctors left me in a position where death is my only relief.

 

[Voi]

I understand how it feels

 

[WaitForSleep]

I definitely feel like this! A curiousity towards what may happen in the future, or what a future potential version of myself would look like (if I bothered to invest in that). Also, I wonder what it's like to live a life that's not mine (not another depressed person's life, but someone who genuinely enjoys and looks forward to things). There's great things in this world, breath-taking places to explore. But I cannot deal with being here long enough to experience it.

 

[bad_luck]

Yes I certainly understand. I'm not particularly depressed per se, I just see no reason to keep on living. I don't enjoy anything, my life has no aim, I am completely and utterly lonely, and all I have to wait for is misery. My biggest (realistic) aspiration is to be diagnosed with terminal illness of some kind which would spare me the uncomfortable decisions.

 

[Aeathelina]

I completely understand that.
I'm at a place in my life where due to addiction and general neglect I have let myself become a burden on those around me and I now that's I'm sober and seeing the full extent of ruins of my life I cannot handle it. I know that so long as I'm alive I am never going to find the peace that I want so me being dead is me and those around me being free of me

 

[ornitier199]

Yes, right now I feel that.

 

[Life interrupted]

Me

 

[symphony]

Absolutely. If I could wave a magic wand, I would choose recovery. I would choose to live out a natural lifespan in a life worth living. I'm not even asking for 100% happiness all the time - just not to be in 100% pain all the time. But my life is far, far from that ideal and I have no realistic hope of achieving that. Continuing to suffer is untenable and recovery is unattainable. That only leaves one option.

 

[sharky]

I have the will to live and I find some joy, but 95% of my life nowadays is suffering. Especially mentally. I just imagine how things could be or have been in the past, but the present is grim. I can't take this any longer.

 

[FuneralCry]

I both want and need to ctb. Non existence is what I want more than anything. To me life is just pain and suffering and if I ctb I will be preventing decades of misery. Nothing can hurt me when I am dead. I think for me, there is nothing that would ever make me want to live. Life itself is the problem. I do need to ctb to escape a much worse future. It would be unbearable for me to stay alive and get older.

 

[Mtnwildflowers]

What I mean by that is I kind of still want to live just to see the world evolve, how the entertainment industry will change, I want to see about that avatar studio as well.
But at the same time, I know if I stay here, I'll make everyone miserable, I'll make myself miserable, I'll feel useless. I really don't see any hopeful future where I change for the better as things have been worsening every year for the last 8 years to a point where I couldn't think I would reach my lowest point yet and then I actually reach it again and again.

All those reflecting moments are telling me that the only reason I'm still here is I don't want to ctb even though I need to. I know the future will be too grim for my head to function. I wish I could see all those things happen in the future but it's just selfish of me to only see it that way.

And so I hope I get the courage and the cowardness to actually go through with it in the following month.

So yeah was wondering, if you were more thinking that you want to ctb, that you need to ctb or both or neither?

I feel like I both want and don't want to commit suicide. I don't want to because I actually do want to get better—it's just that I've exhausted options of "getting better" over decades of trying. I have to now accept that how I feel now would be how I would most likely feel for the rest of my existence. I don't feel like I can accept that or would want to. That makes me want to end my life. I don't want to accept this as my life.

Absolutely. If I could wave a magic wand, I would choose recovery. I would choose to live out a natural lifespan in a life worth living. I'm not even asking for 100% happiness all the time - just not to be in 100% pain all the time. But my life is far, far from that ideal and I have no realistic hope of achieving that. Continuing to suffer is untenable and recovery is unattainable. That only leaves one option.

I love this and feel this so much!

 

[Noctis]

I've spent so long thinking about suicide that it feels like my destiny at this point. Like, the thought of getting old just feels weird.

It's almost like I just want to kill myself because that what I'm supposed to do, as opposed to killing myself because I lost to depression or I need to escape this painful existence.

 

[NorseHel]

Absolutely. If I could wave a magic wand, I would choose recovery. I would choose to live out a natural lifespan in a life worth living. I'm not even asking for 100% happiness all the time - just not to be in 100% pain all the time. But my life is far, far from that ideal and I have no realistic hope of achieving that. Continuing to suffer is untenable and recovery is unattainable. That only leaves one option.

I'm in the same boat, though not sure if you mean mental or physical recovery.

For me it's physical. I'm only 25 and up until a few years ago I was relatively healthy... now I'm getting worse and worse and losing out on so many things as a result. So far, pain levels are more than tolerable, but recently my health has worsened again and now I'm faced with the possibility of debilitating chronic pain.

Before this, I thought I'd ctb within the next decade, because there was no way I'd be happy growing old.
Now, I desperately wish to live my life to its natural end, but fear that the pain will take this away from me.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Yep.

I'll take it one step further and state that the world needs me to CTB or at least it needs everyone who is similarly evil as me to CTB.

 

[onlyanimalsaregood]

No one who commits suicide or has suicidal ideation actually wants to die, but wants to put an end to the suffering and sees no other way out.

 

[BigGimpin]

I have to also, as I get older I start losing independence, wont be long now either. Im 52 and the doctor says I have the spine of a 90 year old. Broke my back 37 years ago, im a fucking mess physically, but my mind is sharp as a tack. It is so damn frustrating. I got my N today, so I have everything i need to CTB, its all about when. I know it is going to completely crush my family, but they have watched my steady decline.

 

[Shu]

Yeah I feel this 10000000%