I don’t want to be this way

[eyesoftheabyss]

really. I struggle with finding anyone to connect with on this. suicide and having mental disadvantages is only ever talked about in a quirky way on social media now.
it's not fucking fun. it's not something you can dress up with an aesthetic, or brand yourself with.
i can't fake my way through adulthood. i haven't been on meds in 7 years and if i was still, will it give me the answer i ask for?
i don't want to anonymously whine or cry about something that seems so set in stone in the trajectory of my life story. i just don't know how to grow beyond this feeling. nothing brings me excitement the way thinking about ending my life does. how fucked is that?! suicide excites me and it's taboo to even hint at that.
i want to get better, something is so wrong in my brain. it's impacted my ability to be a fully independent adult.
i feel like i should have left earth when i was a little younger. i feel like my purpose here is not significant enough to have a reason to go on and i hate that i feel that way. i feel that the longer i've been here, the more i've burdened the people around me, because i feel so incapable of having a better life

 

[motel rooms]

. i haven't been on meds in 7 years and if i was still, will it give me the answer i ask for?

i want to get better, something is so wrong in my brain. it's impacted my ability to be a fully independent adult.

What were you diagnosed with?

 

[eyesoftheabyss]

What were you diagnosed with?

a few different things because i had went to a bunch of different doctors. i was underage at the time. but 1 doc said i had adhd and another doc diagnosed me with panic disorder & psychoticdepression. i'm trying to get seen again, i have suspicions that i actually just have bpd and anxiety or maybe even on the spectrum.. but i've never been tested for that.

 

[FuneralCry]

When everything seems to be hopeless it can be very dreadful. Life is very unfair, many people are disadvantaged through no fault of their own. I'm sorry you are going through this, I know that it can be hard to carry on when you are suffering so much. I wish you the best.

 

[Z-bar]

really. I struggle with finding anyone to connect with on this. suicide and having mental disadvantages is only ever talked about in a quirky way on social media now.
it's not fucking fun. it's not something you can dress up with an aesthetic, or brand yourself with.
i can't fake my way through adulthood. i haven't been on meds in 7 years and if i was still, will it give me the answer i ask for?
i don't want to anonymously whine or cry about something that seems so set in stone in the trajectory of my life story. i just don't know how to grow beyond this feeling. nothing brings me excitement the way thinking about ending my life does. how fucked is that?! suicide excites me and it's taboo to even hint at that.
i want to get better, something is so wrong in my brain. it's impacted my ability to be a fully independent adult.
i feel like i should have left earth when i was a little younger. i feel like my purpose here is not significant enough to have a reason to go on and i hate that i feel that way. i feel that the longer i've been here, the more i've burdened the people around me, because i feel so incapable of having a better life

For me, having the means to ctb painlessly and peacefully at my disposal has given me a reprieve on life.

There is nothing wrong with accepting that you may have a chemical balance in your brain. Lots of people do.
I am on several medications for different reasons but let me tell you, especially having ADHD myself, you can have abnormally low levels of dopamine, which can make you chronically unhappy and dissatisfied with things that are supposed to reward you mentally, that normal people enjoy and makes them happy.
once I found the right regimen to where my dopamine levels are elevated I found way more satisfaction in day to day life, and things made me feel good again. More appreciation.

I've been a guinea pig since I was 13,
Been on lots and lots of medications.
It's trial and error unfortunately. And having one or more diagnosis can be tricky to know exactly what is causing what.

I've been suicidal since a youth. I knew I did not want to feel that way but it was persistent. I began research into the brain, psychology, etc.. to understand the complexities and have been fascinated ever since
But let me be an example to tell you that when I found the right ADHD/ anxiety,PTSD, bipolar regumen it was so liberating, like I saw the world through different eyes. My communication skills and relationships have improved as I'm better able to express myself versus being stuck in my head.

Sorry, I went on a rant. Point being i think you should be sure to try every avenue before CTB. You may be surprised on the outcome.
No matter what I hope you find peace.
Have a good day.