Venting I don't want to be suicidal

[ApparentlyNot]

I think maybe I wish that I could enjoy life again. Sometimes I just want to be rid of the suffering, but deep down, I know that I wish I could be happy. It feels unfair that I can't. It feels like I physiologically can't. I saw this post on the forum that was trying to be positive, and he asked what things or experiences you would have missed out on had you CTB earlier in life. And he used his own examples: buying a PS5, playing certain games, watching certain anime, hanging out with his friends - things like that... I just realized I really didn't have anything. I guess seeing a certain show, and playing certain games that I love - those things are cool. But it's really hard to enjoy anything. Stuff is still good, but I just can't see it anymore. I hate everything. I despise everything. I am the problem. I feel terrible during all of my experiences, even doing things I "like." If you ask me what my interests are, I could give you a little list, but none of those things are capable of sparking any joy in me. It's like it is totally gone from my psyche forever and I hate it and I'm scared and I don't know why I am like this. I've had some kinda cool experiences on different drugs, but nothing actually nice - nothing that even made me feel happiness or even drug induced euphoria. Nothing that made me feel "good." I feel like I can't feel good anymore. It's impossible. I really have no idea when the last time I felt good was.

I "enjoy" some stuff, some of the time, but the thing is, I think none of that has been experienced since I've really considered CTB about two years ago. I know people think everyone on here has given up, but I have been trying so fucking hard to fix myself and fix my brain. Even things I constantly tell myself I enjoy I know I hate if I just let myself fucking be honest and stop fighting it for one goddamn minute. I hate doing yoga, I hate meditating, I hate moving, I hate trying to challenge my thought patterns, I hate having to call my mom, I hate biking, I hate looking after myself physically, I hate other people, I hate socializing, I hate going to the bathroom, I hate having to eat and make food, I hate thinking and trying, I hate thinking about what to wear to go do a thing I hate, and I hate having hair and I hate being a woman, and I hate being objectified all the fucking time, and I hate being alive. I don't want to do it. I don't enjoy it the way people are supposed to. I find it fucking annoying and I want it to stop. I hate it all. The best things in the world to be are those that don't evoke hatred and disgust. I am a vile, annoying, mean person and, well, I don't think I can change. I think it is futile.

I do love my cats, and I love my husband, but they cannot alleviate my suffering, and even they cannot spark joy in me most days despite loving them. I just feel broken, and I cannot tell if I should bother trying. I don't think I should anymore.

 

[MrDarkness]

Since you said your married, I'm guessing your old, def older then 18.

I just graduated high school and I'm planning to die soon, I've been trying to keep going, every time I crawl out of hell I end up in another one, sure I'll never get my first day or see my marriage, and also die a virgin. I'm fine with that. You clearly want to still live despite the issues, plus you have a husband. I hope your able to find peace. Life is a gamble some days are shit some are good

 

[ApparentlyNot]

Since you said your married, I'm guessing your old, def older then 18.

I just graduated high school and I'm planning to die soon, I've been trying to keep going, every time I crawl out of hell I end up in another one, sure I'll never get my first day or see my marriage, and also die a virgin. I'm fine with that. You clearly want to still live despite the issues, plus you have a husband. I hope your able to find peace. Life is a gamble some days are shit some are good

The whole point is that I don't have good days. I don't want to live "despite the issues" the whole point is the "the issues" are unbearable, I want to be without the issues whether that be in life or death. And by "the issues," I mean a total disdain for life and every moment I exist, but yeah I'll just remember that I'm married to get me through the all encompassing anhedonia and suffering. I'll just remember that some child is still a virgin or something to remind myself how happy I should be

Edit: I'm sorry I'm being a dick when you were just trying to be kind.

 

[MrDarkness]

Trust I understand, I'm tired of living I'm so fucking tired, my issues are unbearable. If you truly wish to die, no shame in it, but also no shame in living

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand that it's awful and tiring having to endure an existence you hate, but anyway I wish you the best, to me it's certainly such a cruel existence where people suffer all through no fault of their own, of course it's all unfair.