Discussion I don't WANT to be happy

[Noctis]

My entire life has been ups and downs. The last down, I got so close to ctb. I had every note written that I wanted to leave. I had all my supplies. I was completely prepared. But I started to feel better, so I abandoned my plans.

I'm starting to feel the down coming back. I don't know if I'll make it through this one, given how bad the last one was. Thing is, I don't want help. I don't want to get better. I want to FINALLY get bad enough that I do it. Does this happen to anyone else? Am I just a unique brand of fucked up?

 

[som1]

im the same as u. even if I can have a chance at a happy life I don't want it. I want to die. I want my life to be so miserable that I go insane and stab myself to death.

 

[gottago222]

sometimes when i come out of depression it feels almost wrong to be happy. i heard its a phenomena many experience. sometimes i do think i am better off dead than existing and trying to make a meaningful life. like we all die anyways why wait for it

 

[Midgardsorm]

Hey friend.

Try to make things worse to a breaking point is actually a common thing. Not wanna try to play the psychologist here, but I think the sparkle of hope that most of people tend to glorify, sometimes infuriates us.

We just want to be done with it and not leave a single thing unbroken. I think anger would explain some of the desire of not wanting to get better. Another explanation that may or not be added to this is the feeling of wanting to end it all already, maybe because we feel that life isn't worthy or because we already suffered so much that we can't experience joy anymore, so we don't even bother.

I understand that to some people that last affirmation might seem a complete utter madness, but it's not always about how do you write your story, sometimes it's about whether you can or not hold a pen in the first place. Or even want to.

 

[little helpers]

I have CPTSD. the way I feel each time after a flashback, is like I literally got reincarnated. or with my habit. heaven and hell on repeat. so I get where you're going with that. wanting this cycle to stop. to get out of this never-ending loop of false hope and deep pain.

there's something I wrote during HS about depression and stuff. can't really find it now. but basically it's a rejection to the illusion of happiness. that shrinks can go fuck themselves. that I want to sit with my pain and look it in the eye. cuz this is what's real. I don't remember too much of it now. there's a part on addiction as well. but yeah, I relate.

Edit: like what @Midgardsorm has said, self-destructive feelings. a "fuck you" to this life and to the misery and pain. let it consume me, I don't care. it already can't be worse.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

My feelings exactly. I'm already feeling better and adjusting to this horrible circumstance. It was better, in someways, when I was entirely black. And I could justify doing absolutely nothing and letting my life fall to pieces. Now it just seems bizarre and indulgent. But fixing 30 years of bad decisions when it's already too late seems quite pointless.

 

[D&D]

I think lots of us feel like that.

The only real, constant thing is our pain. We know it and it knows us. Unlike everything else; partners, friends, therapists, doctors ... it never invalidates, betray or leaves us.

It never gets bored of our repetitive ruminations.

It never offers to pray for us, makes a small talk as a way of checking up on us, lies to us about the beauty of life and the wonderful world that is waiting for us if only we could see it, God's plan for us, how special we are. It never once utters platitudes, clichés and other assorted pre-made wisdoms. It does not do virtue-signaling. It treats us as a friend not a charity case to be entered into some cosmic ledger of 'good deeds.'

In the end it is the only 'thing' that still makes us feel an individual. The moment we no longer have it, is the moment we are dead in all manners but bare 'mechanical'; eat, sleep, shit.

 

[aprilshowers]

I write a lot about this when I am trying to write a final note. The way I see it, I'll never kill myself if I'm happy. I'm a junkie for happiness. Thus I felt that the only way was to make myself miserable. It will work, and I will finally rest.

 

[xLosthopex]

I don't want to recover either. I've been forced into 'recovery'/inpatient treatment countless times for my anorexia and ctb attempts, nothing ever helps, nothing ever gets better for me and I know in my heart it never will, and I'm sick of people trying to convince me otherwise, people who'll never understand what it's like to walk in my shoes, just as I'll never understand what it's like to walk in theirs. And it's not like I haven't tried, I've tried so so hard for so long but I'm sick and tired of fighting a never ending battle. I wish people could just shut up and let me be, instead of preaching the same shitty unsolicited 'advice', 'inspirational' quotes and clichés I've heard a million times.

 

[Lost Magic]

Yeah, I hear you. Joy (which I don't get much of anymore) sometimes gives me a false sense of hope. I hate that because I know that it is indeed false and my painful memories coupled with mental illness will come flooding back anyway. Now that it is a new year, I am starting to come to terms with the thought of not being here. There is no point pretending anymore. I am dead inside anyway.

 

[GeorgeEastman]

I can never trust happiness anymore. It has burned me so much that I can't even accept it now.

I used to. I'd get real happy and then it always led to a gigantic fall into despair. I'm conditioned now to never believe in happiness again. Not only that, but I can't even stand anything about happiness. The dumb smiling, laughter, bright colors, loud partying garbage, celebrations.

Give me funeral music and a silent somber hearse ride to the cemetery any day over all that.

 

[Hirokami]

I don't really want to be happy, either. Not just because of ctb, but because I'm tired of being disappointed. As soon as I'm happy, something immediately upsets me afterwards. It's as if the happiness lasts less than day and it's usually followed by frustration or general despair. At least if I'm never happy, I can never truly be let down.

 

[blueclover_.]

It makes perfect sense, because joy is the ultimate thing that compensates suffering.

All complex animals who couldn't feel pain got wiped out by natural selection (Because they couldn't feel pain, they wouldn't move an inch if a blade was about to come for their eyes).

All complex animals who couldn't feel pleasure got wiped out by natural selection. (Because they couldn't feel pleasure, they simply engage in self-destructive behaviors or in other words committing suicide).

The only animals that are left in this world are the only ones that could feel both pain and pleasure, humans are one of those lucky animals.

 

[Ethereal Knight]

I don't really want to be happy, either. Not just because of ctb, but because I'm tired of being disappointed. As soon as I'm happy, something immediately upsets me afterwards.

I can relate so much to this.

it seems that good things don't last for me.

it feels like trying is worse.

because the more effort I put into things, the more wasted energy there is (as the outcome seems to always be frustration and failure)

I came to a point in my life in which I prefer to not put much effort into anything, to live as lazy as possible, in a sloth and hedonistic way, so I just enjoy the moment and the small good things, instead of wasting energy on big plans that are inevitably lead to failure and disappoitments.

is this learned hopelessness on my part? I don't know. if it is, I don't care, I'm okay with that.