Venting i don't want to be bad

[finish.me]

im so mad i cant type. everytime i try to type out what i feel i get so fucking mad i end up smashing my keyboard and deleting everything and the feeling just fucking lingers and i can't get rid of this anger. My parents are fucking horrible. this whole post has been triggered by a fight i got into with my mom a couple hours ago. i called her stupid and she starts fucking wailing like a banshee and ripping into me about stupid fucking retarded shit. they are objectively shitty and abusive people who don't understand they're abusive because they grew up that way, and theres nothing i can do to change them. sometimes i honestly want them to die. and i think what ive been feeling lately is acute awareness that im pathetic and have caused people a lot of pain including them so i'm in this horrible angry limbo where im furious at them for being fucking retarded bitch assholes who have time and time again abused and fucking hurt me and beat me till i bruise but also angry that i'm fucking stupid and can't do anything right and everyone i know i somehow hurt or disappoint, so i don't have the right to be angry. i literally have nobody to confide these feelings into anymore, i have never been able to confide in my parents, my ex (who's still my friend actively avoids talking about this stuff with me, the two friends i made recently stopped talking to me because they realized how fucking boring and stupid and ugly i am, and the only reason my two best friends, one who is my boyfriend, are still good with me is because i've hid things about myself and i keep things and all my feelings to myself. my boyfriend doesn't like hearing when i'm feeling all fucked up and i can tell he doesn't actually have any helpful advice when i'm genuinely hurting so i just don't fucking talk about anything. I'm just purely shit and recently i've been finding that i relate a lot to people who i shouldn't relate to, which scares and upsets me, and i have a lot of tendencies that people attribute to shitty people. and i can't fucking deal with some of my actions anymore and i can't deal with my emotions . half of the time i feel them too intensely and the other half i feel absolutely nothing and have no guilt or regret for some of the bad stuff i do, but simultaneously feel guilt that i DONT feel guilt. I'm so scared to end up one of those fucking freak sex addict serial killers, they're all so pathetic and terrible and i can't bare the thought of hurting people but sometimes i get intrusive and violent thoughts and the guilt is massive, like sometimes i watch those true crime shows and sometimes they say things or have interests in things that i genuinely relate to and it's like, i don't want to be bad. i don't want to hurt anyone, even if all i've done so far is just say a couple mean words, or not considering someones feelings, It's just a never ending cycle of nothing, and then pain, then embarrassment, anger, and more of the same. i cant do anything. i don't have the brain power for anything, not even for relaxing, and i still have the gall to call this lady stupid when i know damn well i'm actually mentally gone. still i have the feeling that i'm in the right for putting her in her place and i feel justified for enjoying upsetting her and seeing her riled up. like i know rationally for a lot of people it feels good to get revenge on people who have continuously hurt you even if its in the smallest ways, and i already have a ridiculous amount of pent up aggression and animosity towards her, so of course it felt good. I think im just upset that it felt good. like i said, it's just limbo. like: I can't be mad at her, and i should be mad at myself, because i'm pathetic, but that in itself is pathetic, and i'm too much of a narcissist to admit that i'm shit, and i genuinely think i SHOULD be mad at her too, BUT I SHOULDN'T BECAUSE I'M SHIT. LIKE I'M JUST IN THIS FUCKING LIMBO OF EMOTION. i can't be mad, but i am mad, but i shouldn't be, but i should. What the fuck. If i kill myself i wouldn't have to worry about anything, right? wrong. i'd be hurting them. and i don't want to do that anymore, even though they'd probably deserve it. I wish i had never been born at all.
sorry for using the r slur also.