Help i don't want to be a NEET anymore but i have no life skills

[namida]

i just turned 23 in february. my teenage years were already taken up by me hating myself and being suicidal. the first 3 years of my 20s were taken by me falling in love with someone who really didn't care about me in the end. im afraid my youth is going to pass me by and i will have spent it secluded in my room, doing nothing useful with my time. i woke up at 3 pm today and it felt so disgusting. i can't keep living like this. i want to be a young carefree 20-something while i still can. the fact that 3 years have passed since i turned 20 sends me into a spiral whenever i remember. hell, i cant believe i'm not still 15 anymore.

i dropped out of college in 2019 and the scholarship i had expired. i wanted to go back but i don't have the same passion for my future that i did as a freshly graduated high school student. my stress tolerance is essentially nonexistent. when i was living with my ex boyfriend i tried to work 40 hours a week so we could afford to get an apartment together. i was on my feet all day, doing the job of 3 people all by myself, for a measly 8$/hr. every time i came home i wanted to cry. i had no energy for my hobbies anymore. i'd come home and just lay down for the rest of the day because standing on my feet for 8 hours caused me so much pain. i quit not even a month in because i just couldn't take it. i feel so pathetic. and i have to continue doing this for the rest of my life, as i get older, and become even less physically and mentally capable?

i've been an artist my whole life and it's the only "skill" that i have, but i'm still not good enough to profit off of it and i lost all passion for it years ago. i keep trying to get back onto it, but it just doesn't bring me joy. it feels like i've wasted my whole life on that, too. it wasn't fun anymore, because i became such a perfectionist and consantly compared myself to others that i was too focused on trying to make my art pretty than have fun with it. but having fun doesn't pay the bills. i still never made a cent off my art because i wasn't confident my skills were worth paying for. people wanted to pay me. but i always told them i wasn't ready.

it's embarrassing to admit, at 23, i still live with my grandma. she has really held me back in life. ever since i was determined to be special needs (autism/adhd) i've been treated like an incapable child and never given the space to grow up. i was never made to do chores, never taught how to budget or do taxes. never encouraged to learn to drive or get a job. my grandma knows how mentally ill/suicidal i am and i think she's afraid if she pushes me to grow i won't be able to handle it because of the stress. i'm glad she's given me food and shelter but my cousins my age have long since moved out, gotten married, or gotten their own apartment and are working full time. ive sat at home being a lazy sack of shit because i thought i could improve my mental health and focus on my art and that maybe i'd get somewhere. but nope. i've been a shut-in since covid started. and now i have no clue what to do with my life. i don't have any skills or interests that will allow me to provide for myself and the economy is only getting worse. i'm afraid to do anything on my own because my grandma has kept me on such a short leash and been the one in charge of everything my whole life. i can't even leave the house to walk to the grocery store without her going into a panic thinking i've been kidnapped or killed. i'm not allowed to go out and drink unless it's some big public event or something and the whole time she'll be lecturing me about how i can only have one drink, i can't drink it too fast, and i need to keep it close by so that i'm not drugged. this shit is fucking embarrassing. other adults my age are making memories with friends that they're going to remember when they're older, and think fondly about what a wild time they had in their youth. but i have nothing but years and years of the same day over and over and over. i have no friends. i have no life. i have nothing.

i honestly don't even know if i can get a job. it's a long story that i don't want to get into just yet, but i made many mistakes when i was younger that have left me impaired. basically, i have an incredibly difficult time speaking. my throat muscles lock up when i have to talk to anyone, due to my anxiety. i'm in constant pain when i try to speak and most of the time i can't even be understood. i've been working with speech therapists but they don't know what to do with me because i'm not improving. i took my voice for granted and i didn't realize just how important speaking is, to be able to well.. do anything. i was perfectly healthy before i damaged my body in the ways that i did. and now i have several health conditions that i shouldn't have at my age. i feel like i will never live the life i was supposed to live. ifeel like i was never supposed to end up like this. this all feels like i'm living in a bad timeline and i was doomed to fail.

when my grandma dies, i will be homeless. with no skills to get me by in life. i am not close with anyone else in my family, my grandma is the only person in my life who still "cares" about me. i've tried to do adult things for myself but it's like my brain just shuts off when i try. it's like i've been overloaded with information and my brain just shuts off completely. i think it might be related to adhd but i dont know. my adhd meds arent working. my attention span has gotten worse as the years have progressed. i have constant brain fog. im so scared. i want to live my life but im afraid to. i've tried to break away from my grandma's control but even when i do i'm always paranoid about it. its like a sheep conditioned to stay inside its fence. even when the fence door is open, it still stays inside because all it knows is to stay inside the fence.

TL;DR: i'm 23, with no life savings, no job, no career path, living with my grandma who treats me like a child and has robbed me of many vital life experiences, im unable to work because i have a speech disorder, i dont know what or if theres anythng i can do, i want to move out i want to start living my life and enjoying my youth while i still have it but i feel like there's nothing i can do and i'll continue to waste the rest of my life being shut indoors with no social or life skills until my grandma dies and ill be out on the streets.

 

[Sulyya]

The speech disorder and the series of events sound awful - my sympathies. Our minds often seem to taunt us with thoughts of where we could be instead.

By your intelligently written post and by posting in Recovery, it means to me that you have a place inside you to work from, on a day that you are ready. The motivation may not often be there but if you take a small step here and there you can make some momentum. Alternatively making a big jump toward something we want can also kick us into gear sometimes - strong anxiety can make that difficult to do. But even if it doesn't go perfectly, taking chances can give valuable perspective changes.

 

[Veronica Sawyer]

I can relate to a lot of what you wrote. I don't have any disability like your speech issue, but I recently had to quit my job because my mental health was just spiraling, all I really want to do in life is be a musician but my poor social skills and lack of motivation and sufficient skill have made that not seem very likely. It can feel completely hopeless like nothing is ever going to get better, and that you've already missed your opportunity at life, and it feels awful to live with those thoughts consuming you.

I'm also in my early 20s and I try to remember that while it feels like you're losing your youth quickly, you're barely a few years into adulthood. There's still plenty of time to grow. I hope this doesn't sound invalidating because god knows that when I'm depressed and hopeless I absolutely don't want to hear that things will get better. But, take it one day at a time, do whatever you can manage on each day.

Are you able to see a therapist that can accomodate your speech disorder, one that might let you write or type instead of speaking? I've been trying that lately for when my anxiety gets really bad and I start to shut down during therapy.

 

[CentreMid]

Hi there! I'm going to divide my response into 2 sections: Empathy and Optional Advice. This will be long, my apologies in advance.

1) First off, I'm very proud of you for wanting to make changes in your life that you feel would be beneficial. Trying to get out of a suicidal hole is a bitch lemme tell ya. While I can't relate to certain aspects of your life story, I also have ADHD and the struggles that come with it, I know what it's like to have my brain overloaded and shut down, and I also have social anxiety which makes it difficult to talk. I'm also in my early 20's, and I feel very behind compared to a majority of my peers.

But, as I've learned from a few friends, you and I are exactly where we are meant to be. There is no "one way" to do life. Sure, we may hit certain "milestones" at a different time compared to our peers but that doesn't define our worth. You're not lesser just because someone has done something before you. In fact, sometimes our peers hit certain milestones and come to regret their life choices, and wish they'd waited before jumping into an irreversible decision (for example, some of my peers have infants/young children, but it is clear they are not equipped to handle that kind of responsibility given where they are in life). So, to reiterate, you are worthy of good things regardless of where society tells you you need to be (saying that out loud makes sense, typing it just looks weird lol).

2) As far as jobs are concerned, my best suggestion would be to look for something remote. That way, you won't have to be on your feet as much, if at all. For example, I'm in Canada, and I've heard of many people applying to the CRA (taxes) for remote work, and it pays very well where I am. I'm not sure where you're located, but I do encourage you to look into remote jobs in your area. If you absolutely have no other options and find yourself having to do work on your feet, try for a part-time sort of thing for the time being. You won't get as much money as a full 40hr week but you'll at least get something while looking for other ways to support yourself.

Concerning your speech difficulties, I'm sorry you have this kind of struggle. I'm definitely not the best person for advice for this, so if anyone can come up with a better suggestion then feel free to ignore me. Funnily enough, a friend of mine shared a link on facebok today for a free, online sign language course offered by the Oklahoma School for the Deaf. It's not for professional or higher-education purposes, but it does teach conversational sign language at least. It would give you a basic skill, plus, you may find it easier to communicate with sign language when your voice fails in certain situations. It also opens up the opportunity to build on this skill and fully learn ASL, which may be beneficial to certain jobs.

Again, these are just my thoughts, feel free to ignore the advice. But I do wish you good luck, and all the best in your recovery journey!

 

[didn't-it-rain]

i can relate to a hell of a lot of this, so if that makes you feel any less alone, i'm glad. unfortunately i am 30 and still suffering the same regrets and guilt, moreso now than ever, so i wish you luck in getting through the muck, you're still young and have time. self-awareness is the first step, anyway.

 

[just a little frog]

First I'd like to express my sympathies to your situation, as it must be so hard to go through and I applaud your bravery in wanting to improve and start living life.

In relation to gaining more life skills, I've found that cooking is a good place to start. If you're interested I'd be happy to share some recipes and tips that have helped me (and my adhd brain) start learning how to cook and taking care of myself. Feel free to pm me if you wish

Best of luck in your recovery journey <3