Venting i don't want recovery, i want erasure

[interna]

i don't want to "get better" because i dont want to be me in the first place. i dont want to be someone who has gone through the things ive gone through. i dont want to carry my past. how can you tell me to improve myself when i dont want to be myself at all? i dont want to exist like this. i dont want to coexist with my wounds. i dont want to have these scars. but i cant change any of that. it's in the past.

i wish none of it happened. then id be at least fine being myself

 

[milkytoast467]

i don't want to "get better" because i dont want to be me in the first place. i dont want to be someone who has gone through the things ive gone through. i dont want to carry my past. how can you tell me to improve myself when i dont want to be myself at all? i dont want to exist like this. i dont want to coexist with my wounds. i dont want to have these scars. but i cant change any of that. it's in the past.

i wish none of it happened. then id be at least fine being myself

I have so many cuts that I can't recognize an inch of my body. I tried to slit my wrist two months ago and I was sent to a hospital for stitches and to recover. I feel like I have survivor's guilt for going through all that shit in the past and still living with that trauma. It's quite ironic that the more you seek death, you end up living, and the more you seek life, you end up dying.

 

[E4syW3y0u7]

Same, just want everything to end and disappear. No more mistakes, no more pain, no more guilt and hatred.

No recovery, i just want to stop existing.

 

[Forveleth]

Same. This is why I quit therapy. I realized my "problem" was that I am alive. There is only one solution to that and it sure as hell is not paying some twat $500 per session to talk about my feelings.