Venting I don't understand

[Cherry_BB]

Does anybody else feel like they aren't able to function like normal people? (aside from the obvious)

**Apologies in advance, this rant is very out of sequence and may seem scattered. This is the first time I've ever vented to anyone and I just need to get things off my chest. After writing this I realized it's just a life story dump. Some parts may help you understand where I come from when I ask this. I may continue this rant in the comments if I get the motivation.

I've always been the "weird kid". It's like my brain was stunted socially?? I don't know how to talk to people. It's like everyone else around me was taught the specific rules and expected me to know them already. What am I supposed to say to "Hello"?? I don't understand why every one else knows what to say. As a kid, I was completely oblivious to any social cues whatsoever. I had no friends until 5th grade. And even then, I was always the 3rd wheel of the group. Always watching as others talked. When was I supposed to jump in? I was never taught how. When one group member left, it was just me and Olivia (not real name ofc). She was always there for me. I followed her everywhere just because she was the only one who showed genuine care for me. When I was 9 years old, I selfishly acted out for attention. I cut myself to get help. I was always told that I wasn't sick enough for help. If I was hurt, I'd have to get help, right? Nah. "You're just a kid. Stop trying to waste my money on doctors visits and appreciate everything we've done for you. You have everything you need: food, shelter, and an education."

When I rot in bed, I think about my past. The fact that I was forced into school at an early age seems to be the reason for this. A four year old screaming and crying, saying they don't want to go to school (mind you, I was told I did this for MONTHS) isn't done out of spite. I was terrified. I was always labeled as a trouble maker because nobody wanted anything to do with me. "Hey guys, make sure to play with (insertmyname) too!" Hell yeah, let's ostracize the already shunned child! Let's embarrass them in front of the only people they know and show what shit-stain excuse of a human they really are! I now understand what my teacher was trying to do at the the, but the little things like that show why I'm not meant to be here.

I've been labeled the reason my parents are unhappy. It's my fault that they didn't get to live the life they wanted, so if they don't live through me, i'm going to be the reason their brains will be on the floor. My mom threatened to kill herself in front of me when i was 5-7. The only reason she didn't do it is because no one would be there to clean up the mess (I left crumbs on the table after eating) My mom always said that she didn't matter. Her only purpose was to feed us and clean the house. Her quote, "Your father made me realize my worthlessness long ago" still haunts my memory to this day.

I developed an extremely low self esteem without any real reason. I don't have any physical scars and I was never beaten so severely that I had any lasting wounds. I don't remember many good memories from my childhood. My "friends" have it much worse than I do and they're so much happier and FUNCTIONAL and human beings. They still think I'm stupid for not wanting to go to parties or social events. "You're gonna rot anyway, why not rot at a party instead?" And watch other people talk? Helplessly watch life pass me by like a movie? I appreciate them for tolerating me during breaks, and being my partner when no one else would be theirs. It means a lot to me, even though I'm of no use to them. I feel like they've been hired to be my friends. I don't give them anything of worth, I don't add value to their life, I don't make them happy - hell, I don't even know how to talk to them. Some of them don't even want anything from me.

I don't understand what's wrong with me. Am I mentally stupid? If anybody at all can relate to this, please. I want to know I'm not alone as I have been.

If I'm a bad person in this situation, please tell me so I can gain the courage to ctb sooner. I don't want to hurt people anymore.

 

[Crono]

I also have difficulty socializing, due to me having autism, other people interact so naturally and it seems easy for them but I just can't, my brain is not made for this, even online is difficult but it's much worse in real life. And I hate places with lots of people due to noise.

 

[aGoodDayToDie]

Sounds like Autism

 

[Cherry_BB]

Sounds like Autism

I also have difficulty socializing, due to me having autism, other people interact so naturally and it seems easy for them but I just can't, my brain is not made for this, even online is difficult but it's much worse in life real.And I hate places with lots of people due to noise.

Now that you guys say that, that would kind of make sense. I'm professionally diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, ADHD, and Generalized anxiety (I believe I have social anxiety, but no diagnosis for it so idk) I'll look into it more!

 

[Ameya]

I relate to you A LOT. Tho I have always asked for social rules even if it annoys people. I still struggle to this day with socialising. I always come off as weird for people.
It sound like you were never able to develop a proper foundation as a child. Especially with your mom threatening you. But that's just a theory
Neurodivergentcy can also be a reason for simply being born with a different structured brain (it functions but not like other ppl except it). I always have been told "you just think different" and it annyoed the hell out of me bc no one helped me. I'm sorry you went through this. It sounds like the people around you weren't able to help you develop healthy

 

[Cherry_BB]

I relate to you A LOT. Tho I have always asked for social rules even if it annoys people. I still struggle to this day with socialising. I always come off as weird for people.
It sound like you were never able to develop a proper foundation as a child. Especially with your mom threatening you. But that's just a theory
Neurodivergentcy can also be a reason for simply being born with a different structured brain (it functions but not like other ppl except it). I always have been told "you just think different" and it annyoed the hell out of me bc no one helped me. I'm sorry you went through this. It sounds like the people around you weren't able to help you develop healthy

Thanks for letting me know i'm not alone, this meant a lot even though its from a stranger. Even with my diagnosis i've always worried that I was faking it somehow. It's been hard, but i'm glad that there's some people who understand.

 

[Ameya]

Thanks for letting me know i'm not alone, this meant a lot even though its from a stranger. Even with my diagnosis i've always worried that I was faking it somehow. It's been hard, but i'm glad that there's some people who understand.

the world is basically built for the major population aka people with neurotictypcal brains. Other people who are not in the norm mostly just suffer through it. I was expected to act like a normal person, but someone I simply can't. I really get you

 

[AvoidingMyself]

You're definitely not alone, as I can relate. I was always everybody's backup friend. I've now taken to near complete social isolation. Struggling socially can make an individual feel unintelligent, but social aptitude is but one facet of intelligence. You have a good vocabulary, so you're not "stupid".

 

[ChronicPain23]

Does anybody else feel like they aren't able to function like normal people? (aside from the obvious)

I've been isolating myself from people since I was 15, I feel that I don't fit into society, I'm a freak, a desolate person.

 

[JGT1]

I am social isolation from not sucking up enough to others. I found over many years you need to kiss some serious booty to get ahead in this world

 

[deomlez]

To all people different & not fitted to this world : love you all. You are from another planet. Me too. Never known which one, will never know it (too late) but our planets is far from this one.
You are not alone.

 

[FuneralCry]

The way I see it not everyone is meant to exist here, I've never been meant to exist here in every single way, I'm only meant to eternally not exist. But anyway it must be really tiring suffering like that, existence is just too cruel.

 

[platypusfan]

Im so sorry you have had to deal with that. It is incredibly relatable, I have always felt like part of me was missing because I could never communicate or fit in. I have considered I might be mentally stunted as well purely because I have never understood communication. I also felt guilty about all my issues considering nothing brutal has happened to me. But from the way I see it, people like us all bound to end up with self esteem issues because of the way this society treats someone who is just slightly different. I have noticed this especially with people who struggle to communicate, it is hard to function properly in a world that doesn't accept you. Sorry for the rambling but I wish you the best, btw, I love the basil pfp.

 

[isthisit?]

I had the exact same experience when I was in school. I never knew when to jump in and what to talk about so I just stayed quiet. Even if I had something to talk about I never knew how to mention it without someone making an ignorant comment. That kind of thing just led me to losing everyone I knew. Even now, I don't know how to speak to someone and how to keep a conversation going.

 

[Cherry_BB]

Sorry for the rambling but I wish you the best, btw, I love the basil pfp.

First off ty lol <3 Also thank you for sharing your experience too, I'm just glad there are more people like me who understand what it's like to be this way.