Venting I don’t understand myself

[cherryistired]

I don't understand why I feel the way I feel. Nothing too bad has happened to me. I mean just the normal amount. Yeah i got sexually assaulted when I was little but most people were. My mom had a boyfriend that would beat her n shit and I don't know if it actually happened but he might have kidnapped me and forced me to watch her get raped. Like I said i'm not sure if that happened or not. but i truly hate being alive and i can't stop being upset. and what makes me hate myself is that i feel like this but didn't go through shit. my friend has had the worst life possible and it is so fucking selfish that ME of all people want to die. i don't understand why my mind is like this when nothing bad enough happened. and i should have a worse life. because i'm a bad person. and deserve to have a life like my friend did. because they are perfect and i have fucked up. i can't kill myself because that's not fair to the people who actually have a reason. so i've chosen to slowly torture myself. i push all my friends away, i cut myself, and i starve simply because i deserve it. i don't get to have the easy way out. i need to suffer

 

[nicotine_goblin]

Mental problems usually don't require a specific reason to make you feel awful. You could be depressed and it might have little correlation with your quality of life, it's just brain acting up. And it's not yours or anyone's fault. I'm sorry you feel the way you do, sounds truly terrible. I'm sure you don't deserve to suffer and you aren't actually as bad as it may seem to you right now. I wish you the best