I don't understand life

[betternever2havbeen]

Everyone else just accepts suffering and pain and says "it's all part of life", well why are we going through this for? I will never get my head around having to watch loved ones die of cancer or something and for it to just be "accepted". I'm really scared of life, I don't want to suffer and yet I'm made out to be the irrational crazy one . I'm scared of suicide and I'm scared of a natural death too. I'm scared of anything going wrong with me physically yet my mind is making things worse and making me panic more.

I don't know whether to have therapy because part of me doesn't want anyone to know about my problems, thoughts or feelings. Right now as far as the outside world is concerned (doctors etc.) there is nothing wrong with me and I'm not sure I want that to change. I feel like going to therapy will be like opening Pandora's box and I've then got someone checking up on me and I'm not sure I want that. I know I'm different to the masses though but I feel like at my age I've had more loss than others (loss of a parent in my 20s for one) and that has messed me up in a lot of ways.

 

[Euthanza]

I want society to shift from denial to acceptance that suicide can be rational choice.

Life's indeed absurd and meaningless to me

 

[wait.what]

Nothing makes sense to me either. I mean, <---that is my profile pic.

I like these images, too . . . it's Dr. Birx reacting to Trump's speech about curing covid with "disinfectant injections" and "getting UV light into the body." I feel you, Dr. Birx.

Edit: a paragraph stolen from the God podcast site I got the images from. Because I like it. Also because I feel like this all the time.

By the time he starts talking about injecting disinfectants into the human body, Dr. Birx can't even listen to him anymore, taking a breath and looking intently at the floor while she continues blinking and puts all her energy into hanging on to the last shred of her will to live.

 

[peacetoall]

What's the alternative to life...nothing? In my mind, it would make sense that before we lived we would agitate for a chance at life, a body, the experience. There are too many unknowns, so all we can do is speculate

 

[locked*n*loaded]

There may be meaning in a life being lived well. That isn't something I've been able to accomplish. Or, maybe it isn't something that I was allowed to experience. Whatever the case, what has been in my life is is in the past. I can't control that. I experience on a daily basis what my life is now, and I don't see myself going forward much longer the way things are. I feel completely powerless to change anything in my life at this stage. The one thing I can control is whether to go forward with this life I choose not to. There is no way I see myself growing older alone, literally completely and utterly alone, eventually succumbing to the ailments of old age alone, without support of anyone. No, I need to go before I get to the point where it may become too difficult to be able to bring an end to the eventual, and likely, pain from some disease, not to mention the emotional daily pain of loneliness. No one can know with certainty if anything comes after life, but I believe there to be non-existence or nothingness, which will be preferable to the loneliness I have now.

 

[betternever2havbeen]

@locked*n*loaded I haven't lived my life well at all I've completely wasted it and now it's too late. I know I'll end up alone too. It didn't used to bother me too much, I knew I couldn't sustain a relationship or friendships anymore because I'm too reclusive and depressed. I finally had to accept this about myself, that it was my fate to be alone because it's just my nature. Since I lost my grandmother at the start of the year though I've suddenly had this overwhelming loneliness and fear of being alone. I massively worry what will become of me because I've taken such a different lonely path in life. I have hardly any family left now which I feel like I needed but don't have, even though I was too depressed to appreciate them fully at the time and would probably rather stay in bed than see them half the time.

I hope for non-existence too, it'll be wonderful to finally let go of being me and living with this pain.

 

[Graytaichi]

Im 99% same situation as yours. Opening up would open up the paradox box. It would jeopadise my attempt to ctb. We are a minority.

 

[veryhappyhuman]

and I've then got someone checking up on me and I'm not sure I want that.

It's for this reason I told my therapist everything else BUT that I was suicidal. When he asked I explicitly said (lied) that I wasn't suicidal at all. Not that therapy was of any use ultimately though.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

@locked*n*loaded I haven't lived my life well at all I've completely wasted it and now it's too late. I know I'll end up alone too. It didn't used to bother me too much, I knew I couldn't sustain a relationship or friendships anymore because I'm too reclusive and depressed. I finally had to accept this about myself, that it was my fate to be alone because it's just my nature. Since I lost my grandmother at the start of the year though I've suddenly had this overwhelming loneliness and fear of being alone. I massively worry what will become of me because I've taken such a different lonely path in life. I have hardly any family left now which I feel like I needed but don't have, even though I was too depressed to appreciate them fully at the time and would probably rather stay in bed than see them half the time.

I hope for non-existence too, it'll be wonderful to finally let go of being me and living with this pain.

@Betternever2havbeen...........I didn't start off wasting my life. I went to college and got a degree, dated, even got engaged, but nothing has ever worked out. I never had any kids, which, looking back, and being where I am now, was probably for the best. I'll never know if it was for the best that I didn't, or if things would be different right now if I had. Honestly, I think life wasted me. I seemed to be the one that got laid-off from my jobs, even though I was told I was the best worker. I think they thought it was the "less painful" option because I was single and didn't have a family to take care of. You have that done to you several times over the years and then you find yourself in your mid-fifties where no one wants to hire you because you're close to retirement. Then you couple that with the your entire family having died and finding yourself literally alone with absolutely no one, and you end up where I am now. It takes away your options, at least, any good options. I know what I have to do. At least I won't be missed since there is no one to miss me. On an aside, one of the strangest things I have ever felt in my entire life is knowing that there is no one left who loves me. My mom, who died last year, was the last person who I know loved me. It's really weird to live that experience. Maybe because it's still relatively new to me, since this is the first time in my entire life I've ever had this experience. It's surreal. I think I can deal with non-existence. It seems I dealt with it before I got here. Hopefully, it will be like going full circle.

 

[FuneralCry]

I am also scared of life and I am scared of the ctb method failing. Life is just a pointless experience that we go through for the sake of it, we are forced to exist for no reason and we live lives full of suffering just to die eventually. To me wanting suicide can be perfectly rational in a world like this and for me personally it is what makes sense. I do not see life as being worth living.

There is no purpose or meaning to life, yet humans see their lives as having some importance as it is all they know. They cannot comprehend what it is like to not exist and all humans are programmed to survive after all.

To me it is horrifying that life is a thing in the first place and life is completely unnecessary as well. I have never wanted to be here and I look forward to the day in which I can finally cease to exist and be free from the torture that is consciousness. I envy those who are gone and every time I hear of someone dying I wish it was me

 

[betternever2havbeen]

It's for this reason I told my therapist everything else BUT that I was suicidal. When he asked I explicitly said (lied) that I wasn't suicidal at all. Not that therapy was of any use ultimately though.

Oh yeh you have to be careful what you tell them for sure. I used to think why would anyone tell someone they are suicidal but I am quite open about it now as I'm so used to feeling this way. On the other hand I have no idea how close I am to going through with anything since I've felt bad for 2 decades and never even attempted. Still I have to be sure I don't let on HOW bad I feel to any professional. They will be on the look out for that type of thing constantly I imagine.

I'm sorry to hear therapy wasn't useful for you anyway, that is disheartening! Do you think another therapist would be better or was it just not helpful in general do you think?

@Betternever2havbeen...........I didn't start off wasting my life. I went to college and got a degree, dated, even got engaged, but nothing has ever worked out. I never had any kids, which, looking back, and being where I am now, was probably for the best. I'll never know if it was for the best that I didn't, or if things would be different right now if I had. Honestly, I think life wasted me. I seemed to be the one that got laid-off from my jobs, even though I was told I was the best worker. I think they thought it was the "less painful" option because I was single and didn't have a family to take care of. You have that done to you several times over the years and then you find yourself in your mid-fifties where no one wants to hire you because you're close to retirement. Then you couple that with the your entire family having died and finding yourself literally alone with absolutely no one, and you end up where I am now. It takes away your options, at least, any good options. I know what I have to do. At least I won't be missed since there is no one to miss me. On an aside, one of the strangest things I have ever felt in my entire life is knowing that there is no one left who loves me. My mom, who died last year, was the last person who I know loved me. It's really weird to live that experience. Maybe because it's still relatively new to me, since this is the first time in my entire life I've ever had this experience. It's surreal. I think I can deal with non-existence. It seems I dealt with it before I got here. Hopefully, it will be like going full circle.

You started out better than me, I dropped out of uni and never had a proper relationship. I knew I couldn't sustain uni (picked the wrong course for one) or a social life for long. I doubt I could ever have a long-term relationship I'm too used to things being my own way. I think from birth it was written that I'd be unhappy just because of the way I am.

That really sucks if the reason you got laid off was because you didn't have a family! I see it all the time in life though how parents get all the perks and praise. I will never have kids, I couldn't cope with them and wouldn't want them to go through life anyway.

I'm sorry to hear about your mom, that must've been such a big loss. I fear the same in a few years. It's so tragic how we get left alone in the world after our parents bring us here. I can't fathom that, I didn't even ask or want to go through life to begin with...

 

[veryhappyhuman]

I'm sorry to hear therapy wasn't useful for you anyway, that is disheartening! Do you think another therapist would be better or was it just not helpful in general do you think?

I gave up on therapists in general tbh. My logic is that therapists aren't much more than a sounding board anyway. Yes they can give you pills but all those do is (at best) mask the realities of life that put me in this situation. Pills aren't even worth the side effects, at least in my case.

Like, therapists can't bring about changes to my real life -- they can't give me my career back or get me a social life/relationship at 37, or rollback all my years of severe loneliness, or make my parents young and free of illness again etc etc. They can't do anything about the actual reasons I'm here. If only they had a time machine...

 

[betternever2havbeen]

@veryhappyhuman yeh I mean that's been all my reasons for not going to therapy in the first place. Like how can they fix all the awful things that have happened to me and all the mistakes I've made? They are supposed to make you feel better about the things that have happened but I'm sure they can't. There is no way to fix the problems in life-there is no time machine and no way to erase memories.

 

[betternever2havbeen]

I'm really glad I found this site you guys are so nice, anyone can send me a msg me if you wanna chat