I don't think my trauma is that bad and can't understand why I can't just snap out of it

[ForgottenAgain]

My psychologist and past psychiatrist said several times that I've been through quite a bit of trauma but, to me, I feel like they were terrible times of my life but they're in the past, others have been through much worse. I don't even know if I consider the things I've been through as trauma, I don't think I do.

Yet, for the past 7 months or so, I became a person that can cry so easily. I'm crying right now and I'm not even thinking about anything sad or specific.

I used to be able to control myself so well, I endured my mother's funeral without crying, only breaking when I read my poem in front of everyone.

I feel so angry at myself. I worked my ass off for years to have what I have now. To get out of my father's house, to have the career I wanted, to live in a nice place, to have a relationship but it's all meaningless!!!

It doesn't matter how "good" life gets, nothing matters! Because in the end, I'll randomly cry intensely out of nowhere because something reminds of the past or makes me think about the past or I just cry without thinking. Good memories, bad memories, doesn't matter. The bad memories are bad, the good memories are bad because the people in it are gone, it all makes me cry.

I'm doing EMDR to deal with said past trauma, I think I'm near the end of the 20 sessions and I don't think it has helped.

How can one recover...I live in the past.

 

[braziliansuicidegirl]

It seems like you've spent a long time in denial, not accepting that you've lived through something traumatic and trying to think that "it wasn't so bad". But it's impossible to go on denying it and you really have to face up to the past, which can be very difficult. It may sound cliché, but the only thing that helped me deal with my past was to start talking about it openly and writing down some of the things I couldn't say out loud. I tried my best to get these memories out of my head, and talking and writing about it helped. It was painful but it helped. Of course, a lot of therapy was also useful.

I think certain things from the past will always haunt me, but today they don't affect me like they used to.

I wish you the best, I hope you can feel better soon

 

[kyhoti]

I learned that it's o.k. to cry. I used to bottle up everything, which just multiplied everything. In therapy, my eyes would begin to leak, like allergy-level, but I wasn't in any kind of space called "crying". When I mentioned it to my doctor, he said that my body was crying because my mind wouldn't.

Sorry to hear that EMDR has not helped. It opened me up enough to let a little early trauma dry out. I hope you find the relief valve so you gain a taste of peace.