I cannot understand some opinions in this forum. I don't relate to them and I think that is fine. One can disagree on things and still tolerate each other. This thread is no attack to anyone in this forum. Some notions just don't reflect my personal logic in some ways. At least in the way how I think about and perceive life.
I think life probably/maybe (?) has an inherent value. (which does not mean this is an absolute reason against suicide though. Not even a good argument for procreating) Moreover I don't think life is inherently bad, awful or horrible. I can understand how one can come to this conclusion. But for me life (as a general term) is different.
I see this with my friends. They love life, they don't want to die, they don't experience severe struggle/worries all day. And I just really really envy that. One could argue maybe to a certain degree they might have a positivity bias. In order for healthy people to go on living it is easier to fade out all the negativity in life. I think many people tend to such a behavior. Though I am only a layman I have read arguments for negativity and positivity biases. I mean both could be true. I am not 100% certain on it. Maybe it depends on the context. I know many people are saying they avoid watching news because it makes them sad. And with this example it seems clear for me that some/many (?) people try to fade out negative facts on reality. It is more comfortable for them. I see this in threads when people say friends have abandoned them for example due to a suicide attempt. And I have read about such a behavior quite often in this forum it is heartbreaking.
Though I don't think life is inherently and objectively bad for all humans on this planet. And exactly this fact (or my personal notion of reality) contributes a lot to my suffering. If all people had such a fucked up life like me I would not feel so devastated. If life was completely worthless and could not be positive in any way suicide would probably be way easier for me. If this was true that life was inherently horrible I would feel better. It would comfort me. Maybe - paradoxically - it would make my pain less horrible.
I think one reason why I suffer this much is the fact how I experience that other people enjoy their life. I don't think they are delusional and even if they were I would still envy them a lot. One reason why I am so fucking sad and so fucking troubled is the fact that (in my view) you have only one life. One chance. And this makes life in some sense special. Okay maybe I am not fully convinced about the last point but for the dramaturgy of this post it seemed to fit. I can remember the first time when I had major depression. This notion you only have one life and only one chance it made feel very horrible. I hate my life (in many ways) and I really wish I could enjoy it. It made me heartbroken knowing my one chance might be forever ruined. If life would be for everyone equally horrible this would have comforted me.
I think one reason for that is I compare myself with other people. This is why instagram makes me so depressive. I envy people for having a good life. If I knew they all would get tortured like me my life would be way easier. For example my bullies. I wished their life was a horrible existence, full of pain and agony, meaningless suffering 24/7 without any relief. Though the thing is reality is different for them. They were not damaged by the bullying I am the one who is damaged. I wished these people would only deteriorate, live in misery, having an awful existence, facing their cruel hell, and getting tortured alive. Maybe I sound kind resentful by saying this but I think you get what I want to say. (disclaimer: I would never try to hurt them in a revenge attack for example. I have way enough problems and I don't need more stress in my life. Something like that (vigilante justice) backfires usually.)
Maybe this is going to happen when they become old or they have a traffic accident or something like that. This is possible. But it rather is unlikely. I think the more likely scenario is they enjoy their life for many decades, go on with partners, good paid jobs, sex, good food, parties etc. I don't want to paint their life as perfect. Maybe they have their personal struggles. But I think statistically the majority of people in Germany have a good life quality (especially compared to my life quality).
The average person does not face horrible pain every single day. This is what I am facing on a daily basis.
I think speaking in relative terms this would make my suffering even less dramatic and unfair. My suffering is so horrible because the people who abused me got away with no punishment. This is for me the cruel reality. I am the one writing, venting and crying daily in an online suicide forum. If life would be absolutely meaningless and inherently awful I would not cling so much to it. There is still this little hope in me. My life might improve. When I see people in college how they laugh, talk about their fun lives, sex, tasty food I am feeling very bad. I try to get a glimpse of the way how they think about life. These people seem to struggle way less, they seem to have found something that makes their life worth living. They are not so fucking desperate about their existence.
I try to learn from them. But I am still caged in this fucking prison which is my tormenting consciousness.
To sum up my main points. I don't think life is nightmarish and hellish for everyone. My personal suffering would be way less relevant and significant. People help me because they know that I am deeply troubled. Some of them show empathy because they know how hard my life is (compared to their life). My pain would be way less significant if life would be for all people a pain in the ass. My personal story would contain way less tragedy and injustice if my bullies were in a similar condition like me. Though I think this does not reflect reality. They enjoy life and I am the one imprisoned. Probably my "one chance" for an happy end is ruined forever. Others will never experience the pain that I am facing on a daily basis.
I think life probably/maybe (?) has an inherent value. (which does not mean this is an absolute reason against suicide though. Not even a good argument for procreating) Moreover I don't think life is inherently bad, awful or horrible. I can understand how one can come to this conclusion. But for me life (as a general term) is different.
I see this with my friends. They love life, they don't want to die, they don't experience severe struggle/worries all day. And I just really really envy that. One could argue maybe to a certain degree they might have a positivity bias. In order for healthy people to go on living it is easier to fade out all the negativity in life. I think many people tend to such a behavior. Though I am only a layman I have read arguments for negativity and positivity biases. I mean both could be true. I am not 100% certain on it. Maybe it depends on the context. I know many people are saying they avoid watching news because it makes them sad. And with this example it seems clear for me that some/many (?) people try to fade out negative facts on reality. It is more comfortable for them. I see this in threads when people say friends have abandoned them for example due to a suicide attempt. And I have read about such a behavior quite often in this forum it is heartbreaking.
Though I don't think life is inherently and objectively bad for all humans on this planet. And exactly this fact (or my personal notion of reality) contributes a lot to my suffering. If all people had such a fucked up life like me I would not feel so devastated. If life was completely worthless and could not be positive in any way suicide would probably be way easier for me. If this was true that life was inherently horrible I would feel better. It would comfort me. Maybe - paradoxically - it would make my pain less horrible.
I think one reason why I suffer this much is the fact how I experience that other people enjoy their life. I don't think they are delusional and even if they were I would still envy them a lot. One reason why I am so fucking sad and so fucking troubled is the fact that (in my view) you have only one life. One chance. And this makes life in some sense special. Okay maybe I am not fully convinced about the last point but for the dramaturgy of this post it seemed to fit. I can remember the first time when I had major depression. This notion you only have one life and only one chance it made feel very horrible. I hate my life (in many ways) and I really wish I could enjoy it. It made me heartbroken knowing my one chance might be forever ruined. If life would be for everyone equally horrible this would have comforted me.
I think one reason for that is I compare myself with other people. This is why instagram makes me so depressive. I envy people for having a good life. If I knew they all would get tortured like me my life would be way easier. For example my bullies. I wished their life was a horrible existence, full of pain and agony, meaningless suffering 24/7 without any relief. Though the thing is reality is different for them. They were not damaged by the bullying I am the one who is damaged. I wished these people would only deteriorate, live in misery, having an awful existence, facing their cruel hell, and getting tortured alive. Maybe I sound kind resentful by saying this but I think you get what I want to say. (disclaimer: I would never try to hurt them in a revenge attack for example. I have way enough problems and I don't need more stress in my life. Something like that (vigilante justice) backfires usually.)
Maybe this is going to happen when they become old or they have a traffic accident or something like that. This is possible. But it rather is unlikely. I think the more likely scenario is they enjoy their life for many decades, go on with partners, good paid jobs, sex, good food, parties etc. I don't want to paint their life as perfect. Maybe they have their personal struggles. But I think statistically the majority of people in Germany have a good life quality (especially compared to my life quality).
The average person does not face horrible pain every single day. This is what I am facing on a daily basis.
I think speaking in relative terms this would make my suffering even less dramatic and unfair. My suffering is so horrible because the people who abused me got away with no punishment. This is for me the cruel reality. I am the one writing, venting and crying daily in an online suicide forum. If life would be absolutely meaningless and inherently awful I would not cling so much to it. There is still this little hope in me. My life might improve. When I see people in college how they laugh, talk about their fun lives, sex, tasty food I am feeling very bad. I try to get a glimpse of the way how they think about life. These people seem to struggle way less, they seem to have found something that makes their life worth living. They are not so fucking desperate about their existence.
I try to learn from them. But I am still caged in this fucking prison which is my tormenting consciousness.
To sum up my main points. I don't think life is nightmarish and hellish for everyone. My personal suffering would be way less relevant and significant. People help me because they know that I am deeply troubled. Some of them show empathy because they know how hard my life is (compared to their life). My pain would be way less significant if life would be for all people a pain in the ass. My personal story would contain way less tragedy and injustice if my bullies were in a similar condition like me. Though I think this does not reflect reality. They enjoy life and I am the one imprisoned. Probably my "one chance" for an happy end is ruined forever. Others will never experience the pain that I am facing on a daily basis.
Last edited:
