Venting I don’t think I’ll ever do it.

[adhd_depression]

I really want to CTB. Life has become almost unbearable & I have quite a grim outlook on my future. When I was younger, I dreamt of having a husband, kids, pets, a nice house, and a happy life. I love kids, but I think my mental issues (ADHD, anxiety, depression) would make me a terrible wife & mother. It feels like everything I have always wanted will never be within my reach. I don't want to go on anymore, I just know I won't ever be able to actually go through with CTB. Why can't I just be fucking normal?

 

[WorthlessTrash]

You don't think you'll be able to go through with CTB because of your SI.

 

[adhd_depression]

You don't think you'll be able to go through with CTB because of your SI.

Well. I'm kind of scared. The risk of failure, the unknown of what comes after death, and pain of dying. I'm sure SI is a factor, as part of me holds on to a little bit of hope that my life isn't totally a lost cause, although I think it is.

I think it's largely because I can't justify destroying the life of my parents, my siblings, and everyone who loves me. My cousin CTB'd 10 years ago and my precious, wonderful grandmother, whom I love dearly, still talks about it and cries about it all the time. It would absolutely destroy her and I can't fathom that.

 

[Painless_end]

I feel extremely sorry for you

I completely understand how you feel, I feel that way too

It can be very hard to live when you don't want to because of mental issues

 

[its-about-time]

I feel similarly. Especially with why hopes for the future are unfounded, unrealistic, and/or unreasonable. It's difficult. Suicide seems like the obvious answer for me, too, but then there's the issue you described— destroying the lives of many others is a difficult option to choose.

So what to do… I don't know either. I'm focusing my energy on growing really massive pumpkins. Ha.

 

[adhd_depression]

I feel similarly. Especially with why hopes for the future are unfounded, unrealistic, and/or unreasonable. It's difficult. Suicide seems like the obvious answer for me, too, but then there's the issue you described— destroying the lives of many others is a difficult option to choose.

So what to do… I don't know either. I'm focusing my energy on growing really massive pumpkins. Ha.

I used to be quite smart and generally would of considered myself successful. I still had issues, but the severity wasn't nearly as bad and I wasn't really suicidal. Was actually pretty happy for a while. But my life has seemingly fallen apart over the last few months. The last two years, really, but the last few months have been increasingly difficult. Which is making it even more challenging me to let go of the unrealistic hope that I can get the "old", happy me back - I know I can't.

I hate the thought of living the rest of my life as a prisoner to my own brain. But I have a wonderful family and great friends, and I hate the thought of ruining their lives. I'm glad you have a hobby though! Hope the pumpkin growing is going well

 

[hopelessdreams]

i can really relate to you. expect i've never wanted a husband and kids. my parents destroyed my view on marriage and love, so i was never interested in it. now that i've seen some amazing guys that i know are going to be great husbands, i still know i can't participate in that. even if i make it to that age, i know i won't be a good mother or wife. my trauma's and issues will get in the way of that. i don't want to bring someone else in this world just to give them my problems and let them experience the problems on this rotting world of ours.

sometimes my heart aches for that future, but i know it's for the better if i stay away from everyone, and let them live their lives. i just feel like a burden with al my problems to everyone. i know they can't relate and help me, so might as well not even bother with telling them.

 

[its-about-time]

I used to be quite smart and generally would of considered myself successful. I still had issues, but the severity wasn't nearly as bad and I wasn't really suicidal. Was actually pretty happy for a while. But my life has seemingly fallen apart over the last few months. The last two years, really, but the last few months have been increasingly difficult. Which is making it even more challenging me to let go of the unrealistic hope that I can get the "old", happy me back - I know I can't.

I hate the thought of living the rest of my life as a prisoner to my own brain. But I have a wonderful family and great friends, and I hate the thought of ruining their lives. I'm glad you have a hobby though! Hope the pumpkin growing is going well

Believe me— I get that. Therapists have for years been trying to get me to "grieve my past self" which to me is just confirmation that the person I used to be - the person who was ambitious and smart and funny and adventurous and confident - is gone and not coming back. I try to grieve but can never get to the whole "accept and embrace who I am / my limitations now" part.

Yeah it's hard. There's no getting around that. Many others here probably are in very similar situations. There are things to be done about it I'm sure, to feel better about the situation, but well here we are all anyways. I don't think suicide is the only answer. Just a very tempting one with seemingly fewer downsides than upsides. But damn are those downsides significant.

 

[adhd_depression]

Believe me— I get that. Therapists have for years been trying to get me to "grieve my past self" which to me is just confirmation that the person I used to be - the person who was ambitious and smart and funny and adventurous and confident - is gone and not coming back. I try to grieve but can never get to the whole "accept and embrace who I am / my limitations now" part.

Yeah it's hard. There's no getting around that. Many others here probably are in very similar situations. There are things to be done about it I'm sure, to feel better about the situation, but well here we are all anyways. I don't think suicide is the only answer. Just a very tempting one with seemingly fewer downsides than upsides. But damn are those downsides significant.

Damn. It feels nice to be understood. I don't really talk about this with most people, and the ones I do open up to don't really understand.

I'm really sorry that you are going through something similar. I sort of just wish my life was always bad. But since it wasn't, since I used to be all of the same things you mentioned - ambitious, smart, confident, etc - it's somehow even worse to know that I wasted so much potential and this is how my life ended up.

i can really relate to you. expect i've never wanted a husband and kids. my parents destroyed my view on marriage and love, so i was never interested in it. now that i've seen some amazing guys that i know are going to be great husbands, i still know i can't participate in that. even if i make it to that age, i know i won't be a good mother or wife. my trauma's and issues will get in the way of that. i don't want to bring someone else in this world just to give them my problems and let them experience the problems on this rotting world of ours.

sometimes my heart aches for that future, but i know it's for the better if i stay away from everyone, and let them live their lives. i just feel like a burden with al my problems to everyone. i know they can't relate and help me, so might as well not even bother with telling them.

I'm terrified of passing down my mental health issues to my kids. My family has a history of addiction and mental health problems, which is probably why I'm fucked up in the first place. I guess I'm just mourning the person I wanted to be. I'm still longing for a happy life, but it just seems so out of reach. Sometimes I just want to cry & scream for help, but I know that nobody can help me.

 

[its-about-time]

Damn. It feels nice to be understood. I don't really talk about this with most people, and the ones I do open up to don't really understand.

I'm really sorry that you are going through something similar. I sort of just wish my life was always bad. But since it wasn't, since I used to be all of the same things you mentioned - ambitious, smart, confident, etc - it's somehow even worse to know that I wasted so much potential and this is how my life ended up.

Maybe you "wasted" it, maybe it was out of your control. Maybe and more likely a combination of the two. Trying to figure that out usually doesn't result in much helpful info, in my experience, just more self-hatred, self-blaming, and a lot of shame. This is where you are, that's the important fact.

I wish I had a solution for you. Like I said, I'm just growing pumpkins. An insignificant stupid little thing that keeps me entertained enough each day to maybe make it to every "tomorrow". Even so, I ponder taking my life every day, today I wrote the warning and instructions I'm gonna leave on my gate as well as a general note for everyone. And after I did that I kept working on my goddamn garden. I don't know what you may discover that can help get you through even the days you're sure you're gonna end everything, but I hope you can open yourself up to it so it can reveal itself to you soon.

 

[FuneralCry]

I also feel like I am unable to ctb. It is very difficult for me personally. It really is so horrible to feel trapped in this world. To pass away peacefully in my sleep without having to go through the process of ctb is all that I want. Life is so cruel and unfair and it is sad how so much pain exists in this world. I hope that you find relief from your suffering.

 

[outrider567]

Well. I'm kind of scared. The risk of failure, the unknown of what comes after death, and pain of dying. I'm sure SI is a factor, as part of me holds on to a little bit of hope that my life isn't totally a lost cause, although I think it is.

I think it's largely because I can't justify destroying the life of my parents, my siblings, and everyone who loves me. My cousin CTB'd 10 years ago and my precious, wonderful grandmother, whom I love dearly, still talks about it and cries about it all the time. It would absolutely destroy her and I can't fathom that.

Totally understandable--My own CTB would destroy my only brother(who is fighting terminal lung cancer)if I went ahead and did it--can't do that to him--I want to CTB with a clear conscience and without guilt