I don't think I should be standing. (atypical anorexia)

[Life_and_Death]

I've had eating problems basically since I was born. My mother left me starving to the point the government was going to take me. Can't recall eating habits between 3-10ish. I stopped eating lunch due to lack of options at 11 (flakes of _____, every day. Before I completely stopped eating I was making my own lunch. At 11,I could make a better lunch than you. Granted it was deconstructed so the bread wouldn't get soggy so I brought a butter knife and made it at school, but that cheese sandwich was better than flakes of. And no this isn't me being "picky". I have bpd which effects EVERYTHING. I still skip meals to this day because I'm "not feeling it". And yes, there's a difference. Also what is "picky"? It feels like "you're" just bullying me because I don't like the taste/texture of things. Picky is a word that should not exist in this context, but I digressed). This is also the time things became more complicated/complicated again(?) at home. So now not only am I skipping lunch at school but there's "don't touch that its your brothers" I wasn't allowed juice and I could only have milk in cereal because it was my brothers. (clearly my health and well being is getting put on the back burner). Every second week I'd skip food for my brothers. There was always beer and weed in the house, the first week after pay was fine but the second week I remember skipping meals to ensure my brother had food. She also accused me of stealing food out of the kitchen in my own home (whoda thunk itd work that way and btw I didnt. She accused me of stealing the WHOLE box of fudgeos. 1 the last time I saw that box, it was still sealed shut, so I didn't touch it. 2 IF I did touch it I'm not stupid. I'd A) wait until its already open and B) only take 1 or 2 so you don't notice any missing. You think I'm fucking stupid, I clearly have a higher IQ than you. 3 I'm fairly confident YOU ate the whole box. "dad" (for the sake of not using his real name) went looking for them didn't he. And I bet they were gone weren't they. And instead of saying "sorry sweetie I ate them while you were at work", you fucking blamed me didn't you. You're a fucking cunt, like.... I legit have a million reason to call you a cunt). And one day she baked a whole bunch of baked goods while I was in school and on everyone was a note "LnD, don't touch". (Dude, for being a grown ass adult you're acting more childish than a 1yo. Like she NEVER baked that much. It was VERY clearly a go fuck yourself message. What kind of fucking mother passive aggressively tells their daughter to go fuck themselves!?).
So not only was I dealing with their "food abuse" but I was also dealing with my own. My mental state was getting worse. Once I was 13 I was eating 1-2 meals a day. Cereal in the morning and a small plate for supper. Then skipping breakfast because it was easier. (still not bringing lunch to school). And then by 14 being suicidal hit me like a ton of bricks. There was no easing into, suicidal thoughts. Nope just "I'm gonna kill myself". So sometimes I'd go 1-2 days without eating every now and again trying to kms. But at night I'd sneak out into the kitchen and grab something, failing.

(obviously aside from when I was little and for reference I stopped growing sometime around age 13-14 I think and 5ft4) back then I was around 105-110lbs. Then I got kicked out at 16,moved in with someone and my eating picked up, I gained 15lbs. Now I fluctuate from 110-125lbs,and I have no idea how my body is not only maintaining it's weight, but I'm still physically going. The other week I went for 3 walks in 1 day and my short walks typically last about 15-30mins. And sometimes like the other night by the bridge, I'll be gone for a couple hours. Today I did the dishes, the lawn, swept, laundry. Granted everyday stuff but mentally I've been out of it and barely talking care of my cats (not eating related, mental/emotional stress).
And my eating disorder hasn't gotten better. It fell down and over the past several years I've been eating less and less. Now I feel physically ill, stomach discomfort, starving all the time. Even when I do eat. I'm physically unable to eat more then the palm of my hand of food due to this discomfort/smaller stomach(?). How can I be eating 0 to maybe 500cals a day (if I hit 1000 I'm honestly shocked), sustain ~117lbs and still keep up physically (externally, obviously internally I'm not doing so good if my stomach hates me 24/7)?
Due to this discomfort and my own concern about my health I've picked up my eating a bit the last couple days. I'm not eating anymore then a little bit, but I did have 3 meals today. Idk.... I don't want to gain weight... I want to lose it. I hate my stomach and my back problems don't help. Due to my spondlylolisthesis and lumbar scoliosis my back is kinda pushed forward (laying "perfectly flat" on a hardwood floor I can fit my arm under my back with zero issues, I have to put my feet flat on the floor to force my back to lay flat...ter) and due to my back being pushed forward it pushes my stomach out meaning when I look down, I don't look skinny. So I don't look skinny, the numbers on the scale feel huge, I don't want to gain weight... I hate my stomach but it's going to be a slow painful death if I either don't fix it at this point or completely stop eating and just let my organs fail (it would probably take less time then your typical person since I'm half there lol)

 

[Someone123]

Ii would be interesting to know your height, but there is no doubt you need more calories to be physically healthy. Your background is horrible, and I empathize- I went through severe mental and emotional abuse through all the growing up years and beyond. There are some helpful videos on youtube from people who have been through eating disorders than could possibly help you with ideas that may help.

 

[Life_and_Death]

would be interesting to know your height,

for reference I stopped growing sometime around age 13-14 I think and 5ft4)

There are some helpful videos on youtube from people who have been through eating disorders than could possibly help you with ideas that may help.

Help? Help how?? Also hugs, understanding pain on a personal lvl sucks.

 

[Someone123]

Help? Help how?? Also hugs, understanding pain on a personal lvl sucks.

Sorry I see you are five foot four, I read through it too fast the first time. I thought that seeing how other people made progress with eating disorders might give you some ideas to help you with your, and maybe it would, but your medical issues related to this might be better helped by a doctor if you can afford to go to one. I am sorry you went through so much abuse related to food, it reminds me of the severe mental and emotional abuse I went through, though it wasn't related to food. Is it possible to seek medical care for your back issues? I am very sorry you are going through so much pain.
From what I read the spondlylolisthesis is usually treatable but the lumbar scoliosis is more complicated and bothe would need a doctor's advice/ attention. There are non surgical treatments for the first condition, though in some cases surgery is done, but for the second condition a doctor would need to assess this. I am sorry for all the cruelty you have endured from your parents.

 

[Life_and_Death]

Is it possible to seek medical care for your back issues?

Yes but why? When I ask why i mean it more rhetorically. The pros and cons don't make much sense for me to. I could get surgery and have a couple screws put in to replace the bones im missing and I think they can straighten the curve caused by the lumbar scoliosis but it's the spine... One small slip and I could be paralyzed. Plus I have a phobia of needles and organs make me uncomfortable/sick on a fear lvl I suppose. So I've already decided I'd rather die then get surgery. And just in general it seems easier to retrain my brain that its fine rather then a surgery.

I thought that seeing how other people made progress with eating disorders might give you some ideas to help you with your,

Yeah some ideas would be nice. The best I got is basically listen to my body on a medical lvl to help my eating, something I should probably be using a nutritionist for but I'm pretty good at listening to myself (it just doesn't talk back very well. "I'm hungry" "what do you want" "nothing") and I'm big on yummy home cooked meals (my fave) so it's not like I'm just grabbing a bag of chips or whatever. And mindfulness which should help the mental aspect (I can't remember every therapy but something about reaffirming sayings like reminding myself it's my back not an actual weight "concern", or that I'm fine/pretty my concern should be on physical health not looks).
Of course I think why not eat a normal amount and just over exercise. Eat 1500cals work off 1700.

 

[Someone123]

For the first condition from what I read they said you can usually get effective treatment without surgery, I'm not sure if you have checked into this. Of course with back surgery that is a tough call cases by case because of the risks like you mentioned. I hope you can find some solutions, like most people here I am struggling, too, I hope you can find some way to make progress here. :)

 

[Alex Fermentopathy]

Sorry for you background. I see you are still with us, so I probably could make some useful advice.
Few months before, after period of starving, I found myself in a condition where I almost cannot eat normal food because it felt like my stomach has too little space.
And I found it easy to get normal amount of calories just by drinking fruit juice and eating a fatty cheese (no dietary fiber – no taking space unnecessarily in the stomach).
Then I started keto, eating only 30% smetana (a type of sour creme), and on this diet it was also easy to get enough calories.

 

[Life_and_Death]

And I found it easy to get normal amount of calories just by drinking fruit juice and eating a fatty cheese (no dietary fiber – no taking space unnecessarily in the stomach).
Then I started keto, eating only 30% smetana (a type of sour creme), and on this diet it was also easy to get enough calories.

this is a good idea. i should look into higher calorie healthy foods and drinks. i didnt think about specifically picking out juice, i just get the ones i like and switch them out so i dont get bored lol