I don't think I feel much sympathy for my father anymore

[Water-Lily]

I find that even if I don't go out of my way, information always finds its way to me

Maybe it's intuition, I'm not sure. But life wakes me up to things I need to deal with I guess

I was browsing through Reddit and someone linked an interesting article about estranged people. More specifically, adults who chose to cut off their parents. I'll link the article here: https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html

This brought a light bulb to my fathers "amnesia" over abusive things he's done/said to me as of recent and throughout my life

How he seemingly "forgets" the things he does. Insisting he doesn't remember. Even my therapist believes his intentions aren't malicious

But even if they aren't, he's making a conscious choice to forget

I believe my father is filled with deep self hate/shame. He's said horrible things to myself and brother over the years that were fucked

In fits of rage too

When I'd bring them up he'd insist he did nothing wrong/can't remember/forgot when he damn well knows what he says/did. Hence why he denies it

He doesn't want to feel bad about what he did, so he chooses to bury it down and cover it up with trying to do something "nice"

But I see through him. And because of his innate denial, when I am ready to go no contact, I won't say a thing. I won't explain why, because he chooses to push down the truth he knows deep down is true

He'll just have to blame himself/make up excuses as to why I choose to walk away

If I did go no contact I don't think he'd disrespect my boundaries and forcibly try to get me in his life. We've had periods of no talking where he usually leaves me alone, or will try to talk but won't push if I don't want to. I dunno

I don't think there's any point in having a conversation or even yelling/screaming because he doesn't care to change or see where he's wrong

So for now, as I am trying to manage my college independence, all I can really do is rely on him for money and thats about it

I also think back to how I was obsessed over how he'd respond if I ended my life

He'd probably feel bad on some level, maybe even feel a bit guilty but I feel ultimately just believe it was "sensitivity" and "depression" that lead me to it

 

[TwoWaysOnly]

How would you feel if he would acknowledge his actions and asked you to forgive him ?

 

[Water-Lily]

How would you feel if he would acknowledge his actions and asked you to forgive him ?

He's technically done this in the past. But now I don't know if even those times were genuine as he still "forgets" things

I think what I need is space. Which I plan to achieve with college. I think being around him less (being less enmeshed) can help me process my feelings more

 

[Forever Sleep]

He's technically done this in the past. But now I don't know if even those times were genuine as he still "forgets" things

I think what I need is space. Which I plan to achieve with college. I think being around him less (being less enmeshed) can help me process my feelings more

Does he still behave like this on occassions? That's the thing I would struggle with- trust. Thankfully, the person who was really awful to me in my childhood, I was able to cut out but I don't think I could ever trust them. I'd be waiting for the time they turn nasty again.

And- how 'sorry' is someone if they keep repeating the behaviour? It's not to say it's their 'fault' exactly. Maybe they're not being deliberately mallicious. Maybe it's some issue or personality disorder they have but at the end of the day- they still are being mallicious. They say and do stuff that hurts us. So it does really feel like- why should we put up with that?!! Maybe if you just went minimal contact, it would help- do you think? I think parents can sometimes go kind of frantic when people go no contact but- it seems fair to say you need space and you'll contact him occassionally to let him know you're ok but- not the other way round. Have you ever watched this lady's YouTube channel?

 

[voidstar]

My father is the same, conveniently forgets what he did if asked about it. When I went no contact for about 4 years he cried to everyone that he had no idea why his daughter had "forsaken" him and now I'm the black sheep in that little village. Not that I care anymore.
We've been holding contact now since about a year ago but he still barely changed, but it got a tiny bit better. Still immensely frustrating and I ask myself a lot why I even try anymore.

 

[Water-Lily]

Does he still behave like this on occassions? That's the thing I would struggle with- trust. Thankfully, the person who was really awful to me in my childhood, I was able to cut out but I don't think I could ever trust them. I'd be waiting for the time they turn nasty again.

And- how 'sorry' is someone if they keep repeating the behaviour? It's not to say it's their 'fault' exactly. Maybe they're not being deliberately mallicious. Maybe it's some issue or personality disorder they have but at the end of the day- they still are being mallicious. They say and do stuff that hurts us. So it does really feel like- why should we put up with that?!! Maybe if you just went minimal contact, it would help- do you think? I think parents can sometimes go kind of frantic when people go no contact but- it seems fair to say you need space and you'll contact him occassionally to let him know you're ok but- not the other way round. Have you ever watched this lady's YouTube channel?

I've checked out this video a bit

Personally (and I really hope) I don't think my dad would go on a smear campaign to tear me down like this demon did to her own daughter. I feel he'd shrug his shoulders and say "she's an adult" and leave me be

And you're right. I feel I get obsessed with intention. Like, if a person had "good" or non toxic intention then their action following wasn't that bad. But as you said, it's still malicious and on some level still conscious

I'm glad you managed to cut out that horrible person from your childhood. In my case, I'm unable to work with my load as a full time Masters student so I still need my father financially for the time being. Hopefully one day that won't be the case

My father is the same, conveniently forgets what he did if asked about it. When I went no contact for about 4 years he cried to everyone that he had no idea why his daughter had "forsaken" him and now I'm the black sheep in that little village. Not that I care anymore.
We've been holding contact now since about a year ago but he still barely changed, but it got a tiny bit better. Still immensely frustrating and I ask myself a lot why I even try anymore.

That behavior is so fucked. Like these people know, deep down in their minds, why. They know why their children left them. Their attempts get scapegoating and spreading lies is their attempt to control the false narrative they created

I won't tell you what to do but, it doesn't sound like he changed much.

In what ways do you believe it got better?

 

[Forever Sleep]

I've checked out this video a bit

Personally (and I really hope) I don't think my dad would go on a smear campaign to tear me down like this demon did to her own daughter. I feel he'd shrug his shoulders and say "she's an adult" and leave me be

And you're right. I feel I get obsessed with intention. Like, if a person had "good" or non toxic intention then their action following wasn't that bad. But as you said, it's still malicious and on some level still conscious

I'm glad you managed to cut out that horrible person from your childhood. In my case, I'm unable to work with my load as a full time Masters student so I still need my father financially for the time being. Hopefully one day that won't be the case

That behavior is so fucked. Like these people know, deep down in their minds, why. They know why their children left them. Their attempts get scapegoating and spreading lies is their attempt to control the false narrative they created

I won't tell you what to do but, it doesn't sound like he changed much.

In what ways do you believe it got better?

Yeah- it doesn't sound like your Dad would put in that much effort! Sorry to say that. I'm not so sure your Dad sounds like a narcissist in fact. There are quite a few people here who describe abuse and it sounds an awful lot like narcissistic abuse to me.

Not like we can really diagnose people anyway but it did actually help me to learn about it all because, a lot of their behaviours were there. It made me feel less crazy certainly because some of the things were just so weird. You think- why would anyone do that? And you start to think whether you had somehow done these things they accused you of! I used to wonder if I'd slept walked and done some of the things! It isn't all that funny at the time though.

Anyhow- just for your own healing. Not even to tell or accuse him- maybe you could try and work out what's 'wrong' with him. It's not exactly to forgive him. It's just to be aware of what he can be like. Personally, I think it is better to get away from these people if I'm honest! Maybe cruel for them but- they'll just find someone new to pick on!

Obviously, it's much harder when it's your Dad and you're financially dependent on him. I guess it's something that he still bothers in that regard but- it hardly makes up for what you've gone through.

I don't know. I feel like a part of you wants to forgive him still. Maybe you could leave it with him that you want to forgive him and you want to believe that he's sorry but- it's too upsetting for you when things keep changing. Sometimes he remembers and he's sorry. Sometimes he seems to deny all knowledge. You can't move on when it's like that. Maybe to some degree, he does feel bad- on the days he says he remembers and regrets things. Maybe on others though, he just can't handle the criticism or maybe he is being more narcissistic then- he's convinced hinself he did nothing wrong. It's got to be such a mind f*ck though for you!

I think on some level he does care about you and he may not even understand himself but you'd think any reasonable adult would see how confusing and destabalising it is to be around someone like that. Maybe he'll understand that you need space.

You have an awful lot going on regardless though by the sounds of it so yeah- I can understand why you wouldn't want any extra drama now. Another YouTube channel that is very good is: 'The Crappy Childhood Fairy.' I just found they both helped me to kind of sort things out in my mind. Maybe unreasonably but- it helped me to label things because in some ways, I took them less personally. Like- I'd say the individual I had to deal with was likely a narcissist. I am likely prone to limerence (obsessive crushes on people) and I'd say I've had borderline eating disorders in the past. Somehow, it just helped me to (unofficially) label all that stuff in my head. I don't know if it would help you. All the best though, regardless.

 

[Water-Lily]

Yeah- it doesn't sound like your Dad would put in that much effort! Sorry to say that. I'm not so sure your Dad sounds like a narcissist in fact. There are quite a few people here who describe abuse and it sounds an awful lot like narcissistic abuse to me.

Not like we can really diagnose people anyway but it did actually help me to learn about it all because, a lot of their behaviours were there. It made me feel less crazy certainly because some of the things were just so weird. You think- why would anyone do that? And you start to think whether you had somehow done these things they accused you of! I used to wonder if I'd slept walked and done some of the things! It isn't all that funny at the time though.

Anyhow- just for your own healing. Not even to tell or accuse him- maybe you could try and work out what's 'wrong' with him. It's not exactly to forgive him. It's just to be aware of what he can be like. Personally, I think it is better to get away from these people if I'm honest! Maybe cruel for them but- they'll just find someone new to pick on!

Obviously, it's much harder when it's your Dad and you're financially dependent on him. I guess it's something that he still bothers in that regard but- it hardly makes up for what you've gone through.

I don't know. I feel like a part of you wants to forgive him still. Maybe you could leave it with him that you want to forgive him and you want to believe that he's sorry but- it's too upsetting for you when things keep changing. Sometimes he remembers and he's sorry. Sometimes he seems to deny all knowledge. You can't move on when it's like that. Maybe to some degree, he does feel bad- on the days he says he remembers and regrets things. Maybe on others though, he just can't handle the criticism or maybe he is being more narcissistic then- he's convinced hinself he did nothing wrong. It's got to be such a mind f*ck though for you!

I think on some level he does care about you and he may not even understand himself but you'd think any reasonable adult would see how confusing and destabalising it is to be around someone like that. Maybe he'll understand that you need space.

You have an awful lot going on regardless though by the sounds of it so yeah- I can understand why you wouldn't want any extra drama now. Another YouTube channel that is very good is: 'The Crappy Childhood Fairy.' I just found they both helped me to kind of sort things out in my mind. Maybe unreasonably but- it helped me to label things because in some ways, I took them less personally. Like- I'd say the individual I had to deal with was likely a narcissist. I am likely prone to limerence (obsessive crushes on people) and I'd say I've had borderline eating disorders in the past. Somehow, it just helped me to (unofficially) label all that stuff in my head. I don't know if it would help you. All the best though, regardless.

I have a lot to unpack in my own life (part of why I entertain committing suicide one day because I don't think I can handle the sheer reality of my traumatic life)

My dead mom was definitely the BPD/Narc. Like horrifyingly terrible. And thats just scratching the surface. My father was both victim/enabler so there's a lot there as well sadly

And yeah, I feel guilty that I have lingering "caring" feelings toward him. Since its snowing where I live tomorrow I reached out an asked if he wanted me to pick up any extra groceries.

For me though, I man tired of tolerating crappy behavior. Even if my dads behaviors are based on his own issues (I fear he might be a covert narc) I refuse to take part in that

If I have to care from a distance, till I can care no more, that's what I'll have to do.

In the mean while I invest in school and have an active social life I engage in and am always out the house/relatively independent outside of money

 

[TwoWaysOnly]

He's technically done this in the past. But now I don't know if even those times were genuine as he still "forgets" things

I think what I need is space. Which I plan to achieve with college. I think being around him less (being less enmeshed) can help me process my feelings more

When you communicate to him about this, do you get aroused ? Do you feel like the negative emotion makes you confrontational or more reactive than usual ? If your dad truly feels sorry, he might still not be able to accept his behavior. One thing I would suggest is that you give him a call and tell him that you have been thinking about these interactions and how you feel about the situation, how you experienced his actions - and the challenge is that you do this is a very calm, soft and non-confrontational manner throughout. When you do this, you will gain insight into the situation.

"Soft words soften the hearts that are harder than rock, harsh words harden hearts that are softer than silk."