Venting i don't think i can take another day if i'm going to keep feeling like this

[monetpompo]

whiny baby makes post abt being a whiny baby
more news at 8​

i have to return an amazon package after thanksgiving. i have to see someone that's visiting for the holidays. i'm going to watch a movie with my friends on sunday. i have things coming in the mail. there's gifts i need to buy still.

i just don't really care, though. period mood swings make me want to slam my head into a brick wall over and over until my skull cracks open and my soul flies out of my rotting mind. i'm embarrassed that it's taking me to long to get my driver's license. my parents ask me about it all the time because they want me to become independent, but i keep on dissociating during my lessons and not absorbing the things i'm getting wrong and the things i need to remember. i'm just always zoned out and it makes me feel like an idiot, because i need to focus. i have a headache and a cold. i keep on sneezing and blowing my nose. i did my driving lesson while i was still sick because i didn't want to reschedule it. i'm tired of driving lessons. i just want to give up because i don't think i'm ever going to be able to do it, but everyone tells me to keep on doing it even though i think it's pointless. my sister's going to learn how to drive before me anyways. i'm seriously only learning how to drive so that it's easier for me to drive to an isolated place to kill myself, but i think that i need to get an uber to the woods instead of waiting. i think that i might die before december even cones because my period makes me so vehemently suicidal and self loathing that i just want to start punching myself in the face whenever i feel upset. i'm so sick of acting normal. i can't tell you how sick i am of acting normal because i don't care about functioning in society, maintaining my relationships, or making my parents proud of me by actually doing stuff with my life. i don't give a fuck. everything is exhausting when you have no purpose and no will to live. living is exhausting. i am a walking and talking corpse.

i'm not going to learn how to drive. i don't want anyone to tell me that i can do it if i "just put my mind to it" or "give myself grace". i think i'm too depressed and fixated on suicide to be able to anymore. i think about how badly i want to drive to a bridge all the time but i can't seem to put in the work to focus and get better at driving. it's so easy for me to feel frustrated. my dad doesn't even believe in me but he still wants me to get my license so that i stop burdening him by needing to be driven and picked up everywhere. because i am a burden, despite what people tell me. i'm a financial burden and a nuisance that would've wasted less of my family's time and money if i died in the woods a few months ago. everything leading up to the moment i kill myself just feels like it's been a complete waste of time because i should've done it by now. i feel so guilty that i haven't done it yet. i hate that people tell me to believe in myself, because i feel like i'm the only person that recognizes i'm beyond hope and beyond saving. no one should ever put their faith in me because i'm just going to disappoint them.

i want to tear myself limb from limb so i die. i'm so sick of myself. i'm sick of insomnia. i'm sick of this cold. i'm sick of this period. i'm sorry for being so repetitive. everything in my life has stayed the exact same while everyone else is changing and growing. i feel like my brain gets more fried and nonfunctional the longer i indulge in my suicidal ideation. i can't sleep at night. i wake up in the middle of the night haunted by ghosts. i wish i could fall off the face of this planet. i want to hurt myself really badly but i'd have to go to the hospital afterwaeds because it wouldn't be enough to kill me. i think that's the only reason i haven't tried to do harakiri in the kitchen, lol. the intrusive thoughts get so bad sometimes that i want to lobotomize myself to never feel sad anymore.

 

[schatzbunny]

please don't do anything harsh to yourself in the moment. and i think the driving is just not working out because like you said you're fixated on your suicide and since your main motivation is to be able to drive to the bridge on your own, its putting even more pressure on you to learn to drive. one thing you could do is go see the bridge you have in mind and just really absorb the surroundings, it might bring you peace thinking you will pass away here. and use that to help you want to try again with driving. otherwise you can always get an uber.

 

[cemeteryismyhome]

I'm what you would call an old man, but most of what you wrote sounds similar to how I feel all the time. Learning to drive is a big deal, and as you've probably noticed, most people do a rather bad job of it. One of my grandmothers never learned to drive, never needed or wanted to. The other one learned to drive when she was about 80 years old after my grandfather died. I don't know why I'm telling you this. I was anxious for my kids to learn to drive themselves too, but... once they learned then I was afraid they might get in an accident or go to a dangerous place.