Venting i don't think i can come back from this one

[absolute_n0thing]

I've been mentally unwell for years. Even as a child, I can very distinctly remember constantly having this terrible fear and panic that would tighten my chest whenever I was forced to be in public, and having to muffle my cries as a lay in bed at night wondering why everything within me felt so heavy and sad all of a sudden.

Getting older and being diagnosed gave me explanations for the terrible feelings I had gotten used to as a child, but it didn't fix anything. Maybe if I had known earlier. Maybe if my parents had believed me when I bawled about the deep sadness in my chest that wouldn't go away. Maybe if I had gotten help before the first time I cut. The first time I got high. The first time I ODed.

I don't know. The past can't be changed. And so I feel my future is already set. All the things I had made myself live for have come and gone. Turning 18. Getting a job. Hobbies. Events. All have come and gone and I am no happier, no less suicidal than years before. None of it was worth waiting for.

I am 20 now. I won't be 21.

 

[Catch-22]

What if it was possible that turning 21 could be better? You are so young.. it breaks my heart but I understand those feelings. I have had those same feelings since I was a child.

 

[wiinterfrost]

oh, i feel that... if things would have been different... but they aren't.
i'll just say it was courageous of you to try and get through the landmarks you set for yourself. it was good of you to try.
i hope that whatever happens for you, you find peace.
it's sad.

but to the "if i had known earlier", it's never too late to be a child again and start over for yourself, even if the outside world doesn't accept that. easier said than done, but i just thought i might reply to that point. either way, it's also valid if you've exhausted your options and cannot go on.

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h