I'm really sorry for the long story. I talk a lot. I hope someone reads it one day.
I feel so abandoned. My so called friend today gave me the conclusion for why I'm thinking about CTB. I remember reading another post from a Polish guy saying how his teeth where already falling off from all of his sadness. My body hasn't completely gave up, but I wonder why such things have happened to him. Why any of this happen to anyone.
I would like to share my story too.
I (21M) come from Brazil, a somewhat reasonable country to be, but not so kind with its people. I was always a very different child. That may resonate with some of you, but I was really, really different. I started reading at just 2 and a half years old, and used to eat books in my off time, instead of playing with toys.
My mom found that very weird and decided to take me to a child psychiatrist to see what was wrong. The psychiatrist gave her instructions to stop letting me read books, and instead use creative toys to develop other areas of behavior. I have two older brothers who all, in some sense, don't care about my mother anymore, so she felt really good when I started developing correctly. I remember being very numb to feelings and the social context in this time. This made my mother very influent on my behavior, choices, appearance, and life paths. That eventually would go against many of my personality traits later on.
The relationship with my dad was a much more complicated, and immensely more disturbing to me. We used to be very close. I was a smart kid, and he was a fun and social guy. In my childhood, around 6-8 years old, he used to take me to this bar whilst my mom worled, and, for a while, the other guys's kids were my only friends, we used to blast some PS2 all night. But one day, things turned really dark. One of such friends have come with a very interesting kind of game. They abused me all night for 6 or 7 times. I don't remember much things at all from this time, but this memory is crystal clear, and this happened many times. It used to happen on one of their houses, just in front of the bar where my dad laughed and played cards with his friends. I remember thinking: "What is this?", "Is this some kind of hurtful game that everyone plays?". It hurt a lot, but I started thinking it was normal. And one day, where some other friend (not involved in the aforementioned abuses) challenged me into a game competition, I said I could do it to him if he lost it, just as my friends did to me. He refused a lot, and I said it wasn't necessary, but I wasn't going to play either. He then accepted and I won. Just as I was going to do it to him, a second friend (one of the involved in the abuses), came into the room with his little sister. I knew that women could find this wrong, so I just ran away. I remember asking to go home. We eventually got home, but in the next day, it came all over me.
My mom called me to her room. My dad was not present, he was trying to sort it out at the bar. She was tearing, and said to me that the friend from the game challenge said I hurt him. She asked if I really hurt him. I said I did. She started crying a lot. I remember I was just about to say "But they do it to me too, all the time. What's wrong?", but she started crying so hard and sent me to my room. I was very confused.
My dad was never the same to me ever since. We never went into that bar again, and to nowhere next, for that matter. He stopped smiling, and started drinking more. All of these feelings and hints from them started to brew many feelings of resentment in me. To me, they weren't trustful. I could only be me outside of their influences, which were loveless, just meaning to correct my life into the path that diverged from the one of my brothers (which not necessarily went wrong, but all cut contact with them). I could never trust them with my feelings, so I developed this introspective view of them and, more often than not, put them aside.
I used to hang on my academic prowess and hard skills as a source of meaning, in order to tread through such a hard period: being abused, neglected, and sold as the only perpetrator of violence in the story. In school I could often remember entire classes and excel at almost all of them. My peers would bully me a lot and segregate me from all of them, but I used to be very numb and just focus on class.
Moving on, in my late high school years, I used to hang out with this very toxic group with many hurtful habits, but not with each other. I used to be very popular at this time, but I would often say mean things to people. This made all people scared to deeply connect with my personality, so it was a very "accompanied but still lonely" period. But, through the destiny, someone decided to give it a shot on a loving relationship with me. It was very fun and I did love her truthfully, but failed to connect with her in a deep sense. She used to say I was very insensitive, and I really couldn't connect with her when she felt sad, specially since I was very used to set feelings aside and see stuff in a rational way. We broke up very badly after a very turbulent 2 years. I felt very wronged by her, but I knew something had to change. I started developing many rational solutions to the feelings issue, and eventually found a level of empathy accetable to the society, using many logic inductions. I then stuck to my friends, my Engineering college major (a huge success in my academic career), and my two-faced family.
I was actually doing good, but the situation was too prone to disaster if something too strong challenged my view of things. And it happened. My dad started getting sick due to diabetes, and such I was confronted with the possibility of the death of someone who was a deep part of my life and support. There was no rationalizing with death. The turbulence affected my grades, which affected my self value and, in a vicious cycle, ended my college career, due to me not being able to handle the pressure of all of it coupled with my father's incoming death. I remember thinking: "Why, in the infinite possibilities that everything could be, I exist in a world where he has to leave?"
Around this college time, I started doing drugs. I had smoked weed some times before, and used the high and creative imagery to pass time as I would try to put aside this huge feeling. I eventually overgrew the pressure of my house and decided to leave, even with my dad in a bad state. I remember my mother saying "Go, and be free. Your dad chose to not take care of him, and now, in your youthful years, you are expected to handle his mistakes.". I was willing to share this role with her, but she couldn't stand it. I saw him collapse many times. Feared that the time was it.
My friends were also in a turbulent situation with me. I had questioned one of them for his motivations on our friendship, given that he said to me that he saw it as only an emotional asset for his needs (at this point, we knew each other for 5 years and had a tattoo together). He stopped talking for a while, and the group was in turmoil, some on his side, some on mine. Eventually, we all started being friends again, but with a bit of resentment.
Eventually, I felt like I needed to leave my house. Go start anew. My friends already lived together for a while, and were wanting to move closer to downtown. I went with them, drugs and all, and have shared a house with them for about 6 months.
Now, finally, I come to my current state. While I did had some people in my life who did care about me at some point, I can't feel it right now. I know my parents love me, but if I go back there, in about two days the overprotectiveness and interference on my decisions (i.e. choosing another major ASAP), will start again.
Today I had a huge insight about how my friends feel currently about my stay in the house. My friend (curiously, the one which I questioned, years ago), came into my room and said to me that they've discussed some times about cutting me from the house sharing, due to me appointing too many problems and constantly remembering them of mistakes they aren't committing, besides the fact that there is a clash in our positions against such things as house cleaning (I really do not approve the poop lol). My point to him was, I do point only mistakes which have good backing and will improve the general situation if removed (i.e. him cleaning his dog's poop), and the current model in which they base their interactions with is often unfair with each other (i.e. my other friend having to clean aforementioned stuff due to this friend not doing it and it starting to stink a lot.), and often abused consciously by all of them at some point. I don't feel comfortable doing that. I think it means a lot to not do your stuff at your own whim and let other people do it for you. I come from a house in which I didn't have to share anything with anyone. And in this model it's done abusively all the time. This goes against many of my principles (such as an immutable position regarding abuse, which is wrong in all forms). Their model also undermines personal interests and choices of behavior (i.e. I often need time alone to process feelings, and they don't give me that at all. I even share my room too.) in favor of just not changing the status quo. Even if I willingly started acting like them, I would feel like I'm leaving way too many principles behind just to partake in meaningless and, often unfair interactions. He said that the agreement (which I thought existed) that they reached about me coming into the new house, was in reality, tacit, and they never truly said if they were on or off the board when it came to me. This was a mind opening statement. They never wanted me here in the first place, they just wanted to know what would happen, already knowing me and my habits for, at this point, 7 years.
My current mind state is something like:
"No one can understand me, my words, my feelings, my actions, and it hurts. I feel like I have nowhere to go, and even if I did, I wouldn't be welcome."
I wish someone would just try and listen to me. Not try to poke holes in my story or tell me why it makes no sense for me to feel like this. To feel these feelings. The thing is, they still exist to me. It still hurts. It still makes me feel like no one cares. Even if it doesn't make sense.
I write this with the whole extent of whatever I'm feeling right now. I had everything to be a bad person. To be mean and don't care. Abuse, neglect, lack of support, lack of talking about feelings. But it did try my best to fit. To feel the things that all of the other people felt. And I couldn't. It hurt so much. And there was no one for me to talk about it. I couldn't build trust with no one.
I feel like death would ease my suffering. Ease the pain of feeling that no one can see me, hear me, or even understand my feelings. Ease the feelings of alienation, the paranoia, the excessive fear and sadness. I used to be so brilliant and full of potential, and now I can't even cry alone. It's a nightmare.
I feel so abandoned. My so called friend today gave me the conclusion for why I'm thinking about CTB. I remember reading another post from a Polish guy saying how his teeth where already falling off from all of his sadness. My body hasn't completely gave up, but I wonder why such things have happened to him. Why any of this happen to anyone.
I would like to share my story too.
I (21M) come from Brazil, a somewhat reasonable country to be, but not so kind with its people. I was always a very different child. That may resonate with some of you, but I was really, really different. I started reading at just 2 and a half years old, and used to eat books in my off time, instead of playing with toys.
My mom found that very weird and decided to take me to a child psychiatrist to see what was wrong. The psychiatrist gave her instructions to stop letting me read books, and instead use creative toys to develop other areas of behavior. I have two older brothers who all, in some sense, don't care about my mother anymore, so she felt really good when I started developing correctly. I remember being very numb to feelings and the social context in this time. This made my mother very influent on my behavior, choices, appearance, and life paths. That eventually would go against many of my personality traits later on.
The relationship with my dad was a much more complicated, and immensely more disturbing to me. We used to be very close. I was a smart kid, and he was a fun and social guy. In my childhood, around 6-8 years old, he used to take me to this bar whilst my mom worled, and, for a while, the other guys's kids were my only friends, we used to blast some PS2 all night. But one day, things turned really dark. One of such friends have come with a very interesting kind of game. They abused me all night for 6 or 7 times. I don't remember much things at all from this time, but this memory is crystal clear, and this happened many times. It used to happen on one of their houses, just in front of the bar where my dad laughed and played cards with his friends. I remember thinking: "What is this?", "Is this some kind of hurtful game that everyone plays?". It hurt a lot, but I started thinking it was normal. And one day, where some other friend (not involved in the aforementioned abuses) challenged me into a game competition, I said I could do it to him if he lost it, just as my friends did to me. He refused a lot, and I said it wasn't necessary, but I wasn't going to play either. He then accepted and I won. Just as I was going to do it to him, a second friend (one of the involved in the abuses), came into the room with his little sister. I knew that women could find this wrong, so I just ran away. I remember asking to go home. We eventually got home, but in the next day, it came all over me.
My mom called me to her room. My dad was not present, he was trying to sort it out at the bar. She was tearing, and said to me that the friend from the game challenge said I hurt him. She asked if I really hurt him. I said I did. She started crying a lot. I remember I was just about to say "But they do it to me too, all the time. What's wrong?", but she started crying so hard and sent me to my room. I was very confused.
My dad was never the same to me ever since. We never went into that bar again, and to nowhere next, for that matter. He stopped smiling, and started drinking more. All of these feelings and hints from them started to brew many feelings of resentment in me. To me, they weren't trustful. I could only be me outside of their influences, which were loveless, just meaning to correct my life into the path that diverged from the one of my brothers (which not necessarily went wrong, but all cut contact with them). I could never trust them with my feelings, so I developed this introspective view of them and, more often than not, put them aside.
I used to hang on my academic prowess and hard skills as a source of meaning, in order to tread through such a hard period: being abused, neglected, and sold as the only perpetrator of violence in the story. In school I could often remember entire classes and excel at almost all of them. My peers would bully me a lot and segregate me from all of them, but I used to be very numb and just focus on class.
Moving on, in my late high school years, I used to hang out with this very toxic group with many hurtful habits, but not with each other. I used to be very popular at this time, but I would often say mean things to people. This made all people scared to deeply connect with my personality, so it was a very "accompanied but still lonely" period. But, through the destiny, someone decided to give it a shot on a loving relationship with me. It was very fun and I did love her truthfully, but failed to connect with her in a deep sense. She used to say I was very insensitive, and I really couldn't connect with her when she felt sad, specially since I was very used to set feelings aside and see stuff in a rational way. We broke up very badly after a very turbulent 2 years. I felt very wronged by her, but I knew something had to change. I started developing many rational solutions to the feelings issue, and eventually found a level of empathy accetable to the society, using many logic inductions. I then stuck to my friends, my Engineering college major (a huge success in my academic career), and my two-faced family.
I was actually doing good, but the situation was too prone to disaster if something too strong challenged my view of things. And it happened. My dad started getting sick due to diabetes, and such I was confronted with the possibility of the death of someone who was a deep part of my life and support. There was no rationalizing with death. The turbulence affected my grades, which affected my self value and, in a vicious cycle, ended my college career, due to me not being able to handle the pressure of all of it coupled with my father's incoming death. I remember thinking: "Why, in the infinite possibilities that everything could be, I exist in a world where he has to leave?"
Around this college time, I started doing drugs. I had smoked weed some times before, and used the high and creative imagery to pass time as I would try to put aside this huge feeling. I eventually overgrew the pressure of my house and decided to leave, even with my dad in a bad state. I remember my mother saying "Go, and be free. Your dad chose to not take care of him, and now, in your youthful years, you are expected to handle his mistakes.". I was willing to share this role with her, but she couldn't stand it. I saw him collapse many times. Feared that the time was it.
My friends were also in a turbulent situation with me. I had questioned one of them for his motivations on our friendship, given that he said to me that he saw it as only an emotional asset for his needs (at this point, we knew each other for 5 years and had a tattoo together). He stopped talking for a while, and the group was in turmoil, some on his side, some on mine. Eventually, we all started being friends again, but with a bit of resentment.
Eventually, I felt like I needed to leave my house. Go start anew. My friends already lived together for a while, and were wanting to move closer to downtown. I went with them, drugs and all, and have shared a house with them for about 6 months.
Now, finally, I come to my current state. While I did had some people in my life who did care about me at some point, I can't feel it right now. I know my parents love me, but if I go back there, in about two days the overprotectiveness and interference on my decisions (i.e. choosing another major ASAP), will start again.
Today I had a huge insight about how my friends feel currently about my stay in the house. My friend (curiously, the one which I questioned, years ago), came into my room and said to me that they've discussed some times about cutting me from the house sharing, due to me appointing too many problems and constantly remembering them of mistakes they aren't committing, besides the fact that there is a clash in our positions against such things as house cleaning (I really do not approve the poop lol). My point to him was, I do point only mistakes which have good backing and will improve the general situation if removed (i.e. him cleaning his dog's poop), and the current model in which they base their interactions with is often unfair with each other (i.e. my other friend having to clean aforementioned stuff due to this friend not doing it and it starting to stink a lot.), and often abused consciously by all of them at some point. I don't feel comfortable doing that. I think it means a lot to not do your stuff at your own whim and let other people do it for you. I come from a house in which I didn't have to share anything with anyone. And in this model it's done abusively all the time. This goes against many of my principles (such as an immutable position regarding abuse, which is wrong in all forms). Their model also undermines personal interests and choices of behavior (i.e. I often need time alone to process feelings, and they don't give me that at all. I even share my room too.) in favor of just not changing the status quo. Even if I willingly started acting like them, I would feel like I'm leaving way too many principles behind just to partake in meaningless and, often unfair interactions. He said that the agreement (which I thought existed) that they reached about me coming into the new house, was in reality, tacit, and they never truly said if they were on or off the board when it came to me. This was a mind opening statement. They never wanted me here in the first place, they just wanted to know what would happen, already knowing me and my habits for, at this point, 7 years.
My current mind state is something like:
"No one can understand me, my words, my feelings, my actions, and it hurts. I feel like I have nowhere to go, and even if I did, I wouldn't be welcome."
I wish someone would just try and listen to me. Not try to poke holes in my story or tell me why it makes no sense for me to feel like this. To feel these feelings. The thing is, they still exist to me. It still hurts. It still makes me feel like no one cares. Even if it doesn't make sense.
I write this with the whole extent of whatever I'm feeling right now. I had everything to be a bad person. To be mean and don't care. Abuse, neglect, lack of support, lack of talking about feelings. But it did try my best to fit. To feel the things that all of the other people felt. And I couldn't. It hurt so much. And there was no one for me to talk about it. I couldn't build trust with no one.
I feel like death would ease my suffering. Ease the pain of feeling that no one can see me, hear me, or even understand my feelings. Ease the feelings of alienation, the paranoia, the excessive fear and sadness. I used to be so brilliant and full of potential, and now I can't even cry alone. It's a nightmare.
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