I don't see the point of living when you can't have any of the things you want and pain outweighs pleasure

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

I have had multiple people tell me over the course of several years tell me that I should continue to live even if I can never have any of the components which I deem necessary for having a happy and fulfilled life. Time and time again, I've been told to compromise any modicum of happiness, simply to endure a listless existence. I believe that's a deeply unfair trade off, for so little reward.

One of the things I enjoyed about life, as a child, was reading. I used to be hyperlexic, learning to read at a very age before most children do- probably because of my autism- and was very engrossed in literature. I could read multiple books a week, and would spend all my free time reading. Now, I can barely read a paragraph without having to re-read it several times to glean any sort of understanding or comprehension, and I never remember anything.

Gaining knowledge was something dear to my heart for most of my life, but now I am too sick and stupid to accomplish any of the goals or career paths that I wanted to embark on. I tried for many years to learn programming and software development, and was ultimately rubbish about it. I will be graduating with a degree that is basically useless without further postgraduate study, and have barely scraped by because I cannot handle the rigor of it.

I truly loved and enjoyed science, discovering new things, but my incompetency becomes a liability. As my chronic illnesses have progressed and went on for years, I am unreliable and cannot hold full time work. My attention span, concentration, and memory are completely shot. My ability to learn new information is shot. I am permanently fatigued mentally and often physically, as no matter how hard I try, my legs don't get stronger and are permanently weak, heavy, and numb. I wake up every morning never feeling rested, with sore, tingling legs. It never ends. Even when I am not in pain, I am permanently uncomfortable.

For my degenerating spine, I will have to wait 2 years for a pain management referal, and doctors won't do shit for me when the pain gets bad. They told me to take Iduprofen, even though I have a massive amount of scar tissue in my abdomen from surgery, and shouldn't be taking NSAID medications. I have a permanently pinging nerve that runs down my spine to my toe, and it is the most annoying thing ever. Yet, I'm told to just get the hell over it.

In spite of me trying over 20 medications and so many different things to try and fix my life and my health problems, nothing ever gets better. Multiple people have told me to just cope, and accept that I will have to live a very limited life, but I refuse to accept this. The people around me want me to get a stressful and isolating work from home job, be happy with not being able to have hobbies, be happy with having no family or a fulfilling romantic relationship, and basically skimping on anything that would make life remotely tolerable.

I worked very hard for many years to escape low wage, high stress jobs, because I wanted to work in science and academia and escape my cage. I physically hurt myself by working manual labour jobs while I was sick, just tying to survive. I wanted to actually carve out the path I wanted for myself. Now, everyone tells me to go back to the cage, and be happy with no satisfaction or freedom.

People seem to act like I could actually do x or y, and it is simply low self esteem that leads me to believe these things, but this is absolutely not true. Would "low self esteem" make my legs permanently numb, or my vision permanently blurry, or my memory complete rubbish to the point where my IQ score dropped over 30 points? The aphantasia that I was born with? I'm sick of hearing this nonsense from people who have never had neurocognitive problems and want to gaslight you into thinking your illness is a figment of your imagination.

I've been sick for over 6 years now.. I'm almost 24 years old, and have had to watch my life slip away like sand ticking away in an hourglass. At this point, I know my chronic fatigue isn't getting any better. Other people know this too, but they either ignore this reality or dismiss it entirely and pretend my problems are fake. After a life time of being traumatised over and over again, watching multiple family members die until I have no one, abusive relationships, losing friends and opportunities, I am sick as hell of this misery.

I understand that some people can be happy with the simple pleasures in life like the serenity of being in nature or hearing a bird chirping, or a nice cup of coffee. But if I have to live the rest of my life with illness, no family, no ability to succeed in hobbies or a career, no talents, no close friends, and no romantic connection, WHAT IS THE Point? To me, life as a basal state of being is not valuable, it is the things that bring one joy and meaning that can make life valuable and worthwhile, and I've consistently been deprived of those resources.

I can't wait to be out of here.

 

[nosoul]

I have had multiple people tell me over the course of several years tell me that I should continue to live even if I can never have any of the components which I deem necessary for having a happy and fulfilled life. Time and time again, I've been told to compromise any modicum of happiness, simply to endure a listless existence. I believe that's a deeply unfair trade off, for so little reward.

One of the things I enjoyed about life, as a child, was reading. I used to be hyperlexic, learning to read at a very age before most children do- probably because of my autism- and was very engrossed in literature. I could read multiple books a week, and would spend all my free time reading. Now, I can barely read a paragraph without having to re-read it several times to glean any sort of understanding or comprehension, and I never remember anything.

Gaining knowledge was something dear to my heart for most of my life, but now I am too sick and stupid to accomplish any of the goals or career paths that I wanted to embark on. I tried for many years to learn programming and software development, and was ultimately rubbish about it. I will be graduating with a degree that is basically useless without further postgraduate study, and have barely scraped by because I cannot handle the rigor of it.

I truly loved and enjoyed science, discovering new things, but my incompetency becomes a liability. As my chronic illnesses have progressed and went on for years, I am unreliable and cannot hold full time work. My attention span, concentration, and memory are completely shot. My ability to learn new information is shot. I am permanently fatigued mentally and often physically, as no matter how hard I try, my legs don't get stronger and are permanently weak, heavy, and numb. I wake up every morning never feeling rested, with sore, tingling legs. It never ends. Even when I am not in pain, I am permanently uncomfortable.

For my degenerating spine, I will have to wait 2 years for a pain management referal, and doctors won't do shit for me when the pain gets bad. They told me to take Iduprofen, even though I have a massive amount of scar tissue in my abdomen from surgery, and shouldn't be taking NSAID medications. I have a permanently pinging nerve that runs down my spine to my toe, and it is the most annoying thing ever. Yet, I'm told to just get the hell over it.

In spite of me trying over 20 medications and so many different things to try and fix my life and my health problems, nothing ever gets better. Multiple people have told me to just cope, and accept that I will have to live a very limited life, but I refuse to accept this. The people around me want me to get a stressful and isolating work from home job, be happy with not being able to have hobbies, be happy with having no family or a fulfilling romantic relationship, and basically skimping on anything that would make life remotely tolerable.

I worked very hard for many years to escape low wage, high stress jobs, because I wanted to work in science and academia and escape my cage. I physically hurt myself by working manual labour jobs while I was sick, just tying to survive. I wanted to actually carve out the path I wanted for myself. Now, everyone tells me to go back to the cage, and be happy with no satisfaction or freedom.

People seem to act like I could actually do x or y, and it is simply low self esteem that leads me to believe these things, but this is absolutely not true. Would "low self esteem" make my legs permanently numb, or my vision permanently blurry, or my memory complete rubbish to the point where my IQ score dropped over 30 points? The aphantasia that I was born with? I'm sick of hearing this nonsense from people who have never had neurocognitive problems and want to gaslight you into thinking your illness is a figment of your imagination.

I've been sick for over 6 years now.. I'm almost 24 years old, and have had to watch my life slip away like sand ticking away in an hourglass. At this point, I know my chronic fatigue isn't getting any better. Other people know this too, but they either ignore this reality or dismiss it entirely and pretend my problems are fake. After a life time of being traumatised over and over again, watching multiple family members die until I have no one, abusive relationships, losing friends and opportunities, I am sick as hell of this misery.

I understand that some people can be happy with the simple pleasures in life like the serenity of being in nature or hearing a bird chirping, or a nice cup of coffee. But if I have to live the rest of my life with illness, no family, no ability to succeed in hobbies or a career, no talents, no close friends, and no romantic connection, WHAT IS THE POINT?

I can't wait to be out of here.

I know this feeling, I was a straight a student, worked on wall st, but after getting sick things have just gone down. Then recently I fried my brain on dmt and I can't even concentrate on short videos, I'll read something and not remember at all what I just read, it is dreadful knowing my IQ has been ravaged, that is one of the biggest reasons for wanting to ctb, knowing my declined brain and sleep and eating makes holding a job likely impossible at this point. I have barely the energy to walk dogs, motivation to feed myself and sleep is just a few hours a night due to benzos, which I think is not good for REM sleep, hence I feel like I've learned or can't learn anything these days. You have my full condolences, I wish there were an easier way to exit:(

 

[thouxan]

I have had multiple people tell me over the course of several years tell me that I should continue to live even if I can never have any of the components which I deem necessary for having a happy and fulfilled life. Time and time again, I've been told to compromise any modicum of happiness, simply to endure a listless existence. I believe that's a deeply unfair trade off, for so little reward.

One of the things I enjoyed about life, as a child, was reading. I used to be hyperlexic, learning to read at a very age before most children do- probably because of my autism- and was very engrossed in literature. I could read multiple books a week, and would spend all my free time reading. Now, I can barely read a paragraph without having to re-read it several times to glean any sort of understanding or comprehension, and I never remember anything.

Gaining knowledge was something dear to my heart for most of my life, but now I am too sick and stupid to accomplish any of the goals or career paths that I wanted to embark on. I tried for many years to learn programming and software development, and was ultimately rubbish about it. I will be graduating with a degree that is basically useless without further postgraduate study, and have barely scraped by because I cannot handle the rigor of it.

I truly loved and enjoyed science, discovering new things, but my incompetency becomes a liability. As my chronic illnesses have progressed and went on for years, I am unreliable and cannot hold full time work. My attention span, concentration, and memory are completely shot. My ability to learn new information is shot. I am permanently fatigued mentally and often physically, as no matter how hard I try, my legs don't get stronger and are permanently weak, heavy, and numb. I wake up every morning never feeling rested, with sore, tingling legs. It never ends. Even when I am not in pain, I am permanently uncomfortable.

For my degenerating spine, I will have to wait 2 years for a pain management referal, and doctors won't do shit for me when the pain gets bad. They told me to take Iduprofen, even though I have a massive amount of scar tissue in my abdomen from surgery, and shouldn't be taking NSAID medications. I have a permanently pinging nerve that runs down my spine to my toe, and it is the most annoying thing ever. Yet, I'm told to just get the hell over it.

In spite of me trying over 20 medications and so many different things to try and fix my life and my health problems, nothing ever gets better. Multiple people have told me to just cope, and accept that I will have to live a very limited life, but I refuse to accept this. The people around me want me to get a stressful and isolating work from home job, be happy with not being able to have hobbies, be happy with having no family or a fulfilling romantic relationship, and basically skimping on anything that would make life remotely tolerable.

I worked very hard for many years to escape low wage, high stress jobs, because I wanted to work in science and academia and escape my cage. I physically hurt myself by working manual labour jobs while I was sick, just tying to survive. I wanted to actually carve out the path I wanted for myself. Now, everyone tells me to go back to the cage, and be happy with no satisfaction or freedom.

People seem to act like I could actually do x or y, and it is simply low self esteem that leads me to believe these things, but this is absolutely not true. Would "low self esteem" make my legs permanently numb, or my vision permanently blurry, or my memory complete rubbish to the point where my IQ score dropped over 30 points? The aphantasia that I was born with? I'm sick of hearing this nonsense from people who have never had neurocognitive problems and want to gaslight you into thinking your illness is a figment of your imagination.

I've been sick for over 6 years now.. I'm almost 24 years old, and have had to watch my life slip away like sand ticking away in an hourglass. At this point, I know my chronic fatigue isn't getting any better. Other people know this too, but they either ignore this reality or dismiss it entirely and pretend my problems are fake. After a life time of being traumatised over and over again, watching multiple family members die until I have no one, abusive relationships, losing friends and opportunities, I am sick as hell of this misery.

I understand that some people can be happy with the simple pleasures in life like the serenity of being in nature or hearing a bird chirping, or a nice cup of coffee. But if I have to live the rest of my life with illness, no family, no ability to succeed in hobbies or a career, no talents, no close friends, and no romantic connection, WHAT IS THE Point? To me, life as a basal state of being is not valuable, it is the things that bring one joy and meaning that can make life valuable and worthwhile, and I've consistently been deprived of those resources.

I can't wait to be out of here.

As someone with autism and ocd, I completely understand you. I feel exactly the same. And I hope that one day I will ctb and find peace

 

[orca87]

I understand that some people can be happy with the simple pleasures in life like the serenity of being in nature or hearing a bird chirping, or a nice cup of coffee. But if I have to live the rest of my life with illness, no family, no ability to succeed in hobbies or a career, no talents, no close friends, and no romantic connection, WHAT IS THE POINT?

That is the point here – a pattern I often see on this site. The root cause of suffering – for me, but I guess for the vast majority of people on this site – is that they feel out of place. Not belonging anywhere. Having no one with whom they could share these "simple pleasures".

Not having friends, family, or a romantic partner can come in many forms: People with trauma probably cannot trust anyone; people with a development disorder just don't understand how all of that social interaction thing works; people with personality disorders probably just make people pull away from them. In the end, it's the connection that matters. How well could you connect to the small things, like a walk in the park, getting a cup of ice cream on a Wednesday at noon, enjoy the birds singing in the morning if only you belonged somewhere?

I am sorry that you had to go through all of this – my own story is entirely different, but in the end, it's the same: Disconnected, Lonely, Hopeless. And then, yes, everything becomes pointless.

 

[CTB Dream]

Vry sry feel this know how life fl prblm fl suffer illne no able do any, even asm have no prblm manybthing do life no able do exmp Many game movi etc only do 1% less ,

, smtm no posbl heal know simil injury damage all day suffer no way do ,know also autism neuro etc all diff world no match now add injury damage out space time

know how befr injury damage Sci art many many long life devlp now loseall, vry sry suffer undrstnd have nice write any wabt talk ok

 

[Danielwc]

I'm 47 years old bud and I still don't see the point. Your correct that most people are happy with the superficial bullshit of life. They fucking love the drama and the acquisition of transient rubbish. I would love to die, if I got told I had 6 months to live I'd be so happy. I just don't trust death at this point. If I ctb and it's total oblivion I would be happy, I'll go right now. If, however life goes on and we're stuck with the assholes that made this world I would be in hell.

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be really tiring feeling trapped in that situation, life is just so unnecessarily cruel and it's very much understandable as to why you would look forward to being gone. It's so incredibly horrible how this world is filled with so much suffering but anyway I wish you the best.

 

[thouxan]

That is the point here – a pattern I often see on this site. The root cause of suffering – for me, but I guess for the vast majority of people on this site – is that they feel out of place. Not belonging anywhere. Having no one with whom they could share these "simple pleasures".

Not having friends, family, or a romantic partner can come in many forms: People with trauma probably cannot trust anyone; people with a development disorder just don't understand how all of that social interaction thing works; people with personality disorders probably just make people pull away from them. In the end, it's the connection that matters. How well could you connect to the small things, like a walk in the park, getting a cup of ice cream on a Wednesday at noon, enjoy the birds singing in the morning if only you belonged somewhere?

I am sorry that you had to go through all of this – my own story is entirely different, but in the end, it's the same: Disconnected, Lonely, Hopeless. And then, yes, everything becomes pointless.

It feels so comforting to see people share the exact same thoughts as me. I completely agree with you. And the fact that almost everyone here shares the same problems and they all come to the conclusion that they should end their life proves that it is a completely logical process. Normal people can try to feed us as much cookie cutter advice or help as they want, it will never make life worth it, only give the temporary delusion that it is.

 

[orca87]

It feels so comforting to see people share the exact same thoughts as me. I completely agree with you. And the fact that almost everyone here shares the same problems and they all come to the conclusion that they should end their life proves that it is a completely logical process. Normal people can try to feed us as much cookie cutter advice or help as they want, it will never make life worth it, only give the temporary delusion that it is.

These "normal" people just can't understand what it means to feel disconnected.

"Do something that you like, just for you" is just another way of saying "enjoy solitude" – a perfectly valid point. Solitude, in contrast to loneliness, however, implies a choice. The choice to seek company or pursue something on your own.

Most people here feel they don't have this choice. They cannot enjoy solitude. And have you ever heard someone say "enjoy loneliness"? Yeah, me neither.

 

[thouxan]

These "normal" people just can't understand what it means to feel disconnected.

"Do something that you like, just for you" is just another way of saying "enjoy solitude" – a perfectly valid point. Solitude, in contrast to loneliness, however, implies a choice. The choice to seek company or pursue something on your own.

Most people here feel they don't have this choice. They cannot enjoy solitude. And have you ever heard someone say "enjoy loneliness"? Yeah, me neither.

You have literally the exact same thoughts as me. Never thought I would find my people on a forum like this. It's actually comforting af, provided we will all be able to successfully ctb some day

 

[nosoul]

It feels so comforting to see people share the exact same thoughts as me. I completely agree with you. And the fact that almost everyone here shares the same problems and they all come to the conclusion that they should end their life proves that it is a completely logical process. Normal people can try to feed us as much cookie cutter advice or help as they want, it will never make life worth it, only give the temporary delusion that it is.

They can't see how Grey and colorless life has become. I'm laying in bed because I have no energy, but then I try to close my eyes and relax and I get panic attacks, it is a torturous existence. I barely walked a few blocks with dogs and I'm exhausted, but will soon have a panic attack as my brain tries to relax. Woe is me

 

[orca87]

You have literally the exact same thoughts as me. Never thought I would find my people on a forum like this. It's actually comforting af, provided we will all be able to successfully ctb some day

That brings me to another point: Imagine this site would not be a web forum but like a big shared house with all of us living there. As comforting as it is to feel connected in the wish to exit, we would still just crave to be normal.

They can't see how Grey and colorless life has become. I'm laying in bed because I have no energy, but then I try to close my eyes and relax and I get panic attacks, it is a torturous existence. I barely walked a few blocks with dogs and I'm exhausted, but will soon have a panic attack as my brain tries to relax. Woe is me

A year ago I was so proud to keep going. I have no clue where my energy came from, but I walked every single day, at least 10k steps, I hit the gym 3 times a week, and I worked on my career like a maniac. There were even successes. I landed some paying clients, I even gave talks at international conferences. But since I have lost every single connection that I had in life, I couldn't move on. Now, I have barely left the house for weeks.

 

[galintra90]

I have had multiple people tell me over the course of several years tell me that I should continue to live even if I can never have any of the components which I deem necessary for having a happy and fulfilled life. Time and time again, I've been told to compromise any modicum of happiness, simply to endure a listless existence. I believe that's a deeply unfair trade off, for so little reward.

One of the things I enjoyed about life, as a child, was reading. I used to be hyperlexic, learning to read at a very age before most children do- probably because of my autism- and was very engrossed in literature. I could read multiple books a week, and would spend all my free time reading. Now, I can barely read a paragraph without having to re-read it several times to glean any sort of understanding or comprehension, and I never remember anything.

Gaining knowledge was something dear to my heart for most of my life, but now I am too sick and stupid to accomplish any of the goals or career paths that I wanted to embark on. I tried for many years to learn programming and software development, and was ultimately rubbish about it. I will be graduating with a degree that is basically useless without further postgraduate study, and have barely scraped by because I cannot handle the rigor of it.

I truly loved and enjoyed science, discovering new things, but my incompetency becomes a liability. As my chronic illnesses have progressed and went on for years, I am unreliable and cannot hold full time work. My attention span, concentration, and memory are completely shot. My ability to learn new information is shot. I am permanently fatigued mentally and often physically, as no matter how hard I try, my legs don't get stronger and are permanently weak, heavy, and numb. I wake up every morning never feeling rested, with sore, tingling legs. It never ends. Even when I am not in pain, I am permanently uncomfortable.

For my degenerating spine, I will have to wait 2 years for a pain management referal, and doctors won't do shit for me when the pain gets bad. They told me to take Iduprofen, even though I have a massive amount of scar tissue in my abdomen from surgery, and shouldn't be taking NSAID medications. I have a permanently pinging nerve that runs down my spine to my toe, and it is the most annoying thing ever. Yet, I'm told to just get the hell over it.

In spite of me trying over 20 medications and so many different things to try and fix my life and my health problems, nothing ever gets better. Multiple people have told me to just cope, and accept that I will have to live a very limited life, but I refuse to accept this. The people around me want me to get a stressful and isolating work from home job, be happy with not being able to have hobbies, be happy with having no family or a fulfilling romantic relationship, and basically skimping on anything that would make life remotely tolerable.

I worked very hard for many years to escape low wage, high stress jobs, because I wanted to work in science and academia and escape my cage. I physically hurt myself by working manual labour jobs while I was sick, just tying to survive. I wanted to actually carve out the path I wanted for myself. Now, everyone tells me to go back to the cage, and be happy with no satisfaction or freedom.

People seem to act like I could actually do x or y, and it is simply low self esteem that leads me to believe these things, but this is absolutely not true. Would "low self esteem" make my legs permanently numb, or my vision permanently blurry, or my memory complete rubbish to the point where my IQ score dropped over 30 points? The aphantasia that I was born with? I'm sick of hearing this nonsense from people who have never had neurocognitive problems and want to gaslight you into thinking your illness is a figment of your imagination.

I've been sick for over 6 years now.. I'm almost 24 years old, and have had to watch my life slip away like sand ticking away in an hourglass. At this point, I know my chronic fatigue isn't getting any better. Other people know this too, but they either ignore this reality or dismiss it entirely and pretend my problems are fake. After a life time of being traumatised over and over again, watching multiple family members die until I have no one, abusive relationships, losing friends and opportunities, I am sick as hell of this misery.

I understand that some people can be happy with the simple pleasures in life like the serenity of being in nature or hearing a bird chirping, or a nice cup of coffee. But if I have to live the rest of my life with illness, no family, no ability to succeed in hobbies or a career, no talents, no close friends, and no romantic connection, WHAT IS THE Point? To me, life as a basal state of being is not valuable, it is the things that bring one joy and meaning that can make life valuable and worthwhile, and I've consistently been deprived of those resources.

I can't wait to be out of here.

Know exactly where you are coming from, without your dream what's the point

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

That is the point here – a pattern I often see on this site. The root cause of suffering – for me, but I guess for the vast majority of people on this site – is that they feel out of place. Not belonging anywhere. Having no one with whom they could share these "simple pleasures".

Not having friends, family, or a romantic partner can come in many forms: People with trauma probably cannot trust anyone; people with a development disorder just don't understand how all of that social interaction thing works; people with personality disorders probably just make people pull away from them. In the end, it's the connection that matters. How well could you connect to the small things, like a walk in the park, getting a cup of ice cream on a Wednesday at noon, enjoy the birds singing in the morning if only you belonged somewhere?

I am sorry that you had to go through all of this – my own story is entirely different, but in the end, it's the same: Disconnected, Lonely, Hopeless. And then, yes, everything becomes pointless.

Thank you for articulating this and being able to put this feeling into words. You hit the nail on the head here. I've encountered this sentiment not just on the forum, but during my studies as well, where I had to read a lot of scientific papers about socialisation and health outcomes. People who feel connected to others and can identify themselves as members of groups tend to live longer, have less health conditions, be happier, and feel more fulfilled.. It's no surprise as to why this would be the case.

Throughout my entire life, I have always felt like an alien. My own family rejected me due to my autism, and refused the diagnosis until it was too late. They were so embarrassed of me, and the whole world seemed to be too. Other people just seem to know how to walk, talk, and act in ways that I could never conjure myself.

Having cognitive abnormalities as a result of ASD also ruined my life, because ever since I was young I wanted to be creative, to draw, and make stories, but I just.. Couldn't. I wasn't capable of it and don't have the faculties for it, because of that faulty brain wiring. Always having weird interests like anime, jfashion, cosplay, etc has made me a loner and an outsider, even before I became sick and even less desirable.

I think people truly underestimate how grim life can be, when you just don't fit in anywhere, and are constantly forced to pretend to be something you're not. Whether that be masking to hide autism or after after effects of trauma, repressing your interests, or hiding your true feelings because you're afraid of being sectioned and drugged up against your will, there are so many facets of life where we are forced to play roles we were not designed to perform. Knowing that you will never fit in can wreak irreparable damage on a person's mind. The world feels very artifical and bleak, in that respect.

A life of loneliness and involuntary solitude is not much of a life. The difference between when I have friends to do things with and when I don't is like night and day, we are designed to form connections with other members of the species, and moments become special and memorable when we have someone to share them with. Sleepwalking through life with no one to love you or care about you is a truly dreadful experience, but one that many of us have been forced to grapple with. At least we can commiserate here and find understanding and compassion from each other.

I know this feeling, I was a straight a student, worked on wall st, but after getting sick things have just gone down. Then recently I fried my brain on dmt and I can't even concentrate on short videos, I'll read something and not remember at all what I just read, it is dreadful knowing my IQ has been ravaged, that is one of the biggest reasons for wanting to ctb, knowing my declined brain and sleep and eating makes holding a job likely impossible at this point. I have barely the energy to walk dogs, motivation to feed myself and sleep is just a few hours a night due to benzos, which I think is not good for REM sleep, hence I feel like I've learned or can't learn anything these days. You have my full condolences, I wish there were an easier way to exit:(

I am so sorry to hear what's happened to you after taking dmt, psychedelic substances can have truly powerful effects on our brains and bodies, and unfortunately compounds like dmt are so understudied and their long term effects unknown. This can make it so hard to find any relief if a drug has devastating effects for you, simply because the science is so behind on how these compounds work and their downstream effects.

Losing intellect, curiosity, and imagination, is one of the worst things a person can go through. I don't know if you've read flowers for algernon, but that book eloquently describes how it feels for someone to go from a state of higher cognitive ability to becoming completely incapacitated (Although the protagonist of that story is a very extreme case, who went from having severely stunted IQ to becoming a genius, only to lose it all)

 

[nosoul]

It is a struggle to keep basic hygiene, I'm really losing it not being able to relax

Thank you for articulating this and being able to put this feeling into words. You hit the nail on the head here. I've encountered this sentiment not just on the forum, but during my studies as well, where I had to read a lot of scientific papers about socialisation and health outcomes. People who feel connected to others and can identify themselves as members of groups tend to live longer, have less health conditions, be happier, and feel more fulfilled.. It's no surprise as to why this would be the case.

Throughout my entire life, I have always felt like an alien. My own family rejected me due to my autism, and refused the diagnosis until it was too late. They were so embarrassed of me, and the whole world seemed to be too. Other people just seem to know how to walk, talk, and act in ways that I could never conjure myself.

Having cognitive abnormalities as a result of ASD also ruined my life, because ever since I was young I wanted to be creative, to draw, and make stories, but I just.. Couldn't. I wasn't capable of it and don't have the faculties for it, because of that faulty brain wiring. Always having weird interests like anime, jfashion, cosplay, etc has made me a loner and an outsider, even before I became sick and even less desirable.

I think people truly underestimate how grim life can be, when you just don't fit in anywhere, and are constantly forced to pretend to be something you're not. Whether that be masking to hide autism or after after effects of trauma, repressing your interests, or hiding your true feelings because you're afraid of being sectioned and drugged up against your will, there are so many facets of life where we are forced to play roles we were not designed to perform. Knowing that you will never fit in can wreak irreparable damage on a person's mind. The world feels very artifical and bleak, in that respect.

A life of loneliness and involuntary solitude is not much of a life. The difference between when I have friends to do things with and when I don't is like night and day, we are designed to form connections with other members of the species, and moments become special and memorable when we have someone to share them with. Sleepwalking through life with no one to love you or care about you is a truly dreadful experience, but one that many of us have been forced to grapple with. At least we can commiserate here and find understanding and compassion from each other.



I am so sorry to hear what's happened to you after taking dmt, psychedelic substances can have truly powerful effects on our brains and bodies, and unfortunately compounds like dmt are so understudied and their long term effects unknown. This can make it so hard to find any relief if a drug has devastating effects for you, simply because the science is so behind on how these compounds work and their downstream effects.

Losing intellect, curiosity, and imagination, is one of the worst things a person can go through. I don't know if you've read flowers for algernon, but that book eloquently describes how it feels for someone to go from a state of higher cognitive ability to becoming completely incapacitated (Although the protagonist of that story is a very extreme case, who went from having severely stunted IQ to becoming a genius, only to lose it all)

It's like I unwittingly performed a terrible medical experiment, I feel so removed from life, the lack of appetite and sleep driving me nuts

Thank you for articulating this and being able to put this feeling into words. You hit the nail on the head here. I've encountered this sentiment not just on the forum, but during my studies as well, where I had to read a lot of scientific papers about socialisation and health outcomes. People who feel connected to others and can identify themselves as members of groups tend to live longer, have less health conditions, be happier, and feel more fulfilled.. It's no surprise as to why this would be the case.

Throughout my entire life, I have always felt like an alien. My own family rejected me due to my autism, and refused the diagnosis until it was too late. They were so embarrassed of me, and the whole world seemed to be too. Other people just seem to know how to walk, talk, and act in ways that I could never conjure myself.

Having cognitive abnormalities as a result of ASD also ruined my life, because ever since I was young I wanted to be creative, to draw, and make stories, but I just.. Couldn't. I wasn't capable of it and don't have the faculties for it, because of that faulty brain wiring. Always having weird interests like anime, jfashion, cosplay, etc has made me a loner and an outsider, even before I became sick and even less desirable.

I think people truly underestimate how grim life can be, when you just don't fit in anywhere, and are constantly forced to pretend to be something you're not. Whether that be masking to hide autism or after after effects of trauma, repressing your interests, or hiding your true feelings because you're afraid of being sectioned and drugged up against your will, there are so many facets of life where we are forced to play roles we were not designed to perform. Knowing that you will never fit in can wreak irreparable damage on a person's mind. The world feels very artifical and bleak, in that respect.

A life of loneliness and involuntary solitude is not much of a life. The difference between when I have friends to do things with and when I don't is like night and day, we are designed to form connections with other members of the species, and moments become special and memorable when we have someone to share them with. Sleepwalking through life with no one to love you or care about you is a truly dreadful experience, but one that many of us have been forced to grapple with. At least we can commiserate here and find understanding and compassion from each other.



I am so sorry to hear what's happened to you after taking dmt, psychedelic substances can have truly powerful effects on our brains and bodies, and unfortunately compounds like dmt are so understudied and their long term effects unknown. This can make it so hard to find any relief if a drug has devastating effects for you, simply because the science is so behind on how these compounds work and their downstream effects.

Losing intellect, curiosity, and imagination, is one of the worst things a person can go through. I don't know if you've read flowers for algernon, but that book eloquently describes how it feels for someone to go from a state of higher cognitive ability to becoming completely incapacitated (Although the protagonist of that story is a very extreme case, who went from having severely stunted IQ to becoming a genius, only to lose it all)

It's like I unwittingly performed a terrible medical experiment, I feel so removed from life, the lack of appetite and sleep driving me nuts

Thank you for articulating this and being able to put this feeling into words. You hit the nail on the head here. I've encountered this sentiment not just on the forum, but during my studies as well, where I had to read a lot of scientific papers about socialisation and health outcomes. People who feel connected to others and can identify themselves as members of groups tend to live longer, have less health conditions, be happier, and feel more fulfilled.. It's no surprise as to why this would be the case.

Throughout my entire life, I have always felt like an alien. My own family rejected me due to my autism, and refused the diagnosis until it was too late. They were so embarrassed of me, and the whole world seemed to be too. Other people just seem to know how to walk, talk, and act in ways that I could never conjure myself.

Having cognitive abnormalities as a result of ASD also ruined my life, because ever since I was young I wanted to be creative, to draw, and make stories, but I just.. Couldn't. I wasn't capable of it and don't have the faculties for it, because of that faulty brain wiring. Always having weird interests like anime, jfashion, cosplay, etc has made me a loner and an outsider, even before I became sick and even less desirable.

I think people truly underestimate how grim life can be, when you just don't fit in anywhere, and are constantly forced to pretend to be something you're not. Whether that be masking to hide autism or after after effects of trauma, repressing your interests, or hiding your true feelings because you're afraid of being sectioned and drugged up against your will, there are so many facets of life where we are forced to play roles we were not designed to perform. Knowing that you will never fit in can wreak irreparable damage on a person's mind. The world feels very artifical and bleak, in that respect.

A life of loneliness and involuntary solitude is not much of a life. The difference between when I have friends to do things with and when I don't is like night and day, we are designed to form connections with other members of the species, and moments become special and memorable when we have someone to share them with. Sleepwalking through life with no one to love you or care about you is a truly dreadful experience, but one that many of us have been forced to grapple with. At least we can commiserate here and find understanding and compassion from each other.



I am so sorry to hear what's happened to you after taking dmt, psychedelic substances can have truly powerful effects on our brains and bodies, and unfortunately compounds like dmt are so understudied and their long term effects unknown. This can make it so hard to find any relief if a drug has devastating effects for you, simply because the science is so behind on how these compounds work and their downstream effects.

Losing intellect, curiosity, and imagination, is one of the worst things a person can go through. I don't know if you've read flowers for algernon, but that book eloquently describes how it feels for someone to go from a state of higher cognitive ability to becoming completely incapacitated (Although the protagonist of that story is a very extreme case, who went from having severely stunted IQ to becoming a genius, only to lose it all)

Right, Noone has answers and they think it wasn't the dmt. I've gotten recovery stories from people who went hard on other drugs, but dmt seems to have rewired my brain for emotional numbness, inability to sleep at all, and eating hunger is non existent. People have been encouraging me to fight bit they have no idea how bad I'm feeling. God I hate that I did this to myself, I'm just existing like a vegetable. Trying to take 1 day at a time but each day gets worse.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

So people can say how much they admire your "tenacity" and "resilience"

 

[Tobacco]

My life is bad enough with just mental issues and also a lack of a good job. I can't imagine having a physical issue on top. I'm sorry to hear about your situation.

 

[Efilismislife]

I can relate to a lot of this but even more problems so hearing this at least im not crazy as how the people in my famiky or around me judge me for

Cause for them i cannot have feelings

I have had multiple people tell me over the course of several years tell me that I should continue to live even if I can never have any of the components which I deem necessary for having a happy and fulfilled life. Time and time again, I've been told to compromise any modicum of happiness, simply to endure a listless existence. I believe that's a deeply unfair trade off, for so little reward.

One of the things I enjoyed about life, as a child, was reading. I used to be hyperlexic, learning to read at a very age before most children do- probably because of my autism- and was very engrossed in literature. I could read multiple books a week, and would spend all my free time reading. Now, I can barely read a paragraph without having to re-read it several times to glean any sort of understanding or comprehension, and I never remember anything.

Gaining knowledge was something dear to my heart for most of my life, but now I am too sick and stupid to accomplish any of the goals or career paths that I wanted to embark on. I tried for many years to learn programming and software development, and was ultimately rubbish about it. I will be graduating with a degree that is basically useless without further postgraduate study, and have barely scraped by because I cannot handle the rigor of it.

I truly loved and enjoyed science, discovering new things, but my incompetency becomes a liability. As my chronic illnesses have progressed and went on for years, I am unreliable and cannot hold full time work. My attention span, concentration, and memory are completely shot. My ability to learn new information is shot. I am permanently fatigued mentally and often physically, as no matter how hard I try, my legs don't get stronger and are permanently weak, heavy, and numb. I wake up every morning never feeling rested, with sore, tingling legs. It never ends. Even when I am not in pain, I am permanently uncomfortable.

For my degenerating spine, I will have to wait 2 years for a pain management referal, and doctors won't do shit for me when the pain gets bad. They told me to take Iduprofen, even though I have a massive amount of scar tissue in my abdomen from surgery, and shouldn't be taking NSAID medications. I have a permanently pinging nerve that runs down my spine to my toe, and it is the most annoying thing ever. Yet, I'm told to just get the hell over it.

In spite of me trying over 20 medications and so many different things to try and fix my life and my health problems, nothing ever gets better. Multiple people have told me to just cope, and accept that I will have to live a very limited life, but I refuse to accept this. The people around me want me to get a stressful and isolating work from home job, be happy with not being able to have hobbies, be happy with having no family or a fulfilling romantic relationship, and basically skimping on anything that would make life remotely tolerable.

I worked very hard for many years to escape low wage, high stress jobs, because I wanted to work in science and academia and escape my cage. I physically hurt myself by working manual labour jobs while I was sick, just tying to survive. I wanted to actually carve out the path I wanted for myself. Now, everyone tells me to go back to the cage, and be happy with no satisfaction or freedom.

People seem to act like I could actually do x or y, and it is simply low self esteem that leads me to believe these things, but this is absolutely not true. Would "low self esteem" make my legs permanently numb, or my vision permanently blurry, or my memory complete rubbish to the point where my IQ score dropped over 30 points? The aphantasia that I was born with? I'm sick of hearing this nonsense from people who have never had neurocognitive problems and want to gaslight you into thinking your illness is a figment of your imagination.

I've been sick for over 6 years now.. I'm almost 24 years old, and have had to watch my life slip away like sand ticking away in an hourglass. At this point, I know my chronic fatigue isn't getting any better. Other people know this too, but they either ignore this reality or dismiss it entirely and pretend my problems are fake. After a life time of being traumatised over and over again, watching multiple family members die until I have no one, abusive relationships, losing friends and opportunities, I am sick as hell of this misery.

I understand that some people can be happy with the simple pleasures in life like the serenity of being in nature or hearing a bird chirping, or a nice cup of coffee. But if I have to live the rest of my life with illness, no family, no ability to succeed in hobbies or a career, no talents, no close friends, and no romantic connection, WHAT IS THE Point? To me, life as a basal state of being is not valuable, it is the things that bring one joy and meaning that can make life valuable and worthwhile, and I've consistently been deprived of those resources.

I can't wait to be out of here.

That is the point here – a pattern I often see on this site. The root cause of suffering – for me, but I guess for the vast majority of people on this site – is that they feel out of place. Not belonging anywhere. Having no one with whom they could share these "simple pleasures".

Not having friends, family, or a romantic partner can come in many forms: People with trauma probably cannot trust anyone; people with a development disorder just don't understand how all of that social interaction thing works; people with personality disorders probably just make people pull away from them. In the end, it's the connection that matters. How well could you connect to the small things, like a walk in the park, getting a cup of ice cream on a Wednesday at noon, enjoy the birds singing in the morning if only you belonged somewhere?

I am sorry that you had to go through all of this – my own story is entirely different, but in the end, it's the same: Disconnected, Lonely, Hopeless. And then, yes, everything becomes pointless.

These "normal" people just can't understand what it means to feel disconnected.

"Do something that you like, just for you" is just another way of saying "enjoy solitude" – a perfectly valid point. Solitude, in contrast to loneliness, however, implies a choice. The choice to seek company or pursue something on your own.

Most people here feel they don't have this choice. They cannot enjoy solitude. And have you ever heard someone say "enjoy loneliness"? Yeah, me neither.

Its like you speak my mind

i just had this debate with my parents who keep pressured me

But other people who cant relate to it because they have a 'life' so they dont experience those issues

 

[Orbitc]

I think not being romantically involved isn't always a bad thing - people love to suffer for what they don't have, but is that really an important thing? I'm pretty, but I've never had a romantic relationship - I work in escort and have had thousands of men in my bed, but I never wanted to be in the place of my clients' wives))) I don't want a relationship because people love to betray and it's probably going to be crap. I try not to get frustrated when someone tells me that - you didn't even have a relationship! Everyone should think about how important things really are because of the lack of which we suffer

It must be really tiring feeling trapped in that situation, life is just so unnecessarily cruel and it's very much understandable as to why you would look forward to being gone. It's so incredibly horrible how this world is filled with so much suffering but anyway I wish you the best.

I have a different opinion about the world - depressed people think that the world is cruel, but no one wants to think that it is possible that you are too weak for this world. It is this thought that depresses me - all my negative feelings are directed not outside, but inside myself - in most cases I blame not the world, but my weakness and vulnerability.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

I think not being romantically involved isn't always a bad thing - people love to suffer for what they don't have, but is that really an important thing? I'm pretty, but I've never had a romantic relationship - I work in escort and have had thousands of men in my bed, but I never wanted to be in the place of my clients' wives))) I don't want a relationship because people love to betray and it's probably going to be crap. I try not to get frustrated when someone tells me that - you didn't even have a relationship! Everyone should think about how important things really are because of the lack of which we suffer

I have a different opinion about the world - depressed people think that the world is cruel, but no one wants to think that it is possible that you are too weak for this world. It is this thought that depresses me - all my negative feelings are directed not outside, but inside myself - in most cases I blame not the world, but my weakness and vulnerability.

Not wanting a relationship is perfectly understandable, after all it's a huge gamble as to whether or not it will work out, plus some people just prefer their own company and solititude. It makes perfect sense why you wouldn't want to risk dating when betrayal is so rampant, and many people do not take relationships seriously nowadays.

In my case, as much as relationships are difficult for me due to my autism and past experiences of being constantly betrayed, it's kind of a necessity because all my family members are dead or estranged. When no one has your back, society doesn't really give you an option for support and everyone has told me if I want to feel like I have "family connections" I will have to settle with a romantic partner. I have friends, but they are not really like family, fleeting and ephemeral, and most of them prioritise their romantic partners.

It's complete rubbish because I would honestly prefer to live in a house of supportive friends, but everyone naturally cares more about their romantic partners or families and that's who takes precedence. Being essentially orphaned with no relatives has put me in a distinctly lonely and isolated position that few understand.

 

[Orbitc]

Not wanting a relationship is perfectly understandable, after all it's a huge gamble as to whether or not it will work out, plus some people just prefer their own company and solititude. It makes perfect sense why you wouldn't want to risk dating when betrayal is so rampant, and many people do not take relationships seriously nowadays.

In my case, as much as relationships are difficult for me due to my autism and past experiences of being constantly betrayed, it's kind of a necessity because all my family members are dead or estranged. When no one has your back, society doesn't really give you an option for support and everyone has told me if I want to feel like I have "family connections" I will have to settle with a romantic partner. I have friends, but they are not really like family, fleeting and ephemeral, and most of them prioritise their romantic partners.

It's complete rubbish because I would honestly prefer to live in a house of supportive friends, but everyone naturally cares more about their romantic partners or families and that's who takes precedence. Being essentially orphaned with no relatives has put me in a distinctly lonely and isolated position that few understand.

In my case, loneliness is probably due to the fact that I just never knew a worthy person for whom I was ready to take risks and trust him. But you talk like you forced to have relationships with someone just because you're lonely . Perhaps English is not my native language and I misunderstood you, I also have something like autism and I have almost no empathy and it is difficult for me to understand people. But why you have relationships with someone just because you're lonely? I will not to have relationships with a man unless I feel that he is so important to me that I am even ready to kill or die for him. Although I have relatives - I have not communicated with them for more than 17 years - from the age of 15 I started working as an escort and lived on my own, I earned well to rent an expensive apartment and I did not want to put my mother on my neck, which I hate. I'm probably a more isolated person than you)) I have no friends now because I moved from Moscow and I almost don't communicate with anyone now. But I think you just need to learn not to take loneliness like a very serious problem. And if you want a relationship, then you must feel that this is a really important person for you. I don't see a problem in my loneliness - it's better to be lonely than with some shit next to me)) the wives of my clients probably don't even suspect what kind of shit lives next to them))) however, most of my clients are so terrible in bed that I suspect that most of their wives are glad that their husband cheated on them and every time when I seeing off some man, I think that today I saved his wife from this nightmarish sex)))
Sorry for my English