I don't really want to die but i have too many problems

[15dec]

This topic was like one of my very first posts. Brings back memories of those dark days... oh wait I'm still living them.

I'm sorry you have to suffer so much Angst, I can relate to some of what you posted here. I hope you can find a way to overcome your problems some day or at least find ways to manage them. Hugs ♡

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

I'm sorry you have to suffer so much Angst, I can relate to some of what you posted here. I hope you can find a way to overcome your problems some day or at least find ways to manage them. Hugs ♡

Thank you, you are very sweet. And to everyone else who has supported me and reached out to me on my time here. I am still so very humbled by it, months later. I've never experienced such a welcoming community. And oddly enough, it's served to restore some of my faith in humanity.

 

[wiIIow]

I just want to give everyone in this thread a very big hug. so much suffering

 

[JustAboutDone]

I dunno @Angst Filled Fuck Up; it's a rum old world. You're one of the nicest people on here and I wish you could look at you and see what I see. You've got a lovely sense of humour, ever so kind and a thoroughly decent chap.

 

[Dor]

When I think about it, I realize that I don't truly want to ctb, because I don't like the idea of what may come after this life, if anything. I don't like thinking about a potential punishment or other penalty inflicted upon my soul, if there even is such a system. None of us really know what comes after this. I imagine many people believe there is nothing, which I guess would be cool. But we can't be sure. Perhaps there is some virtue or benefit to suffering in this life. I would feel like it's a pity to deny myself possible spiritual progress or soul development.

At the same time, I don't see a way forward in my life. I am 34 years old and have been crippled by social anxiety and major depression all my life. I isolated myself from the day I was born. I was never comfortable with other people, including friends or socializing. This led to all kinds of problems - two failed marriages, dropping out of college, becoming extremely rusty with socializing and becoming misanthropic/miserable/too serious. I have spent 99% of my life indoors basically doing nothing. And get this - I have never worked a day in my life due to fear of people and major issues related to performance-anxiety.

My father is a good man and has sustained me throughout my life. He has supported me financially all the way, but he's 66 and I can't do this to him anymore. I am deeply ashamed by this. And when he's gone, I won't be able to support myself.

4 years ago I developed physical depression symptoms that I've had ever since. Major fatigue, brain fog, weakness, jelly legs, lightheadedness, etc. I got thoroughly medically checked out and there's nothing wrong with me. So the consensus is that it's depression. But my quality of life has been in the toilet ever since and I simply can't function well, physically or mentally. I have had several nervous breakdowns because of it. Figuring out what was going on with me landed me $50,000 in debt. I am drowning in it, getting calls from debt collectors and hospitals every 5 minutes, and I'm still no better. It's beyond maddening, and there's no possibility I can climb out of it.

What troubles me is that there is no way out for people like me. Those who have too many things going on - who don't get to see even a window open when all the doors slam shut. Those who have good qualities and potential, but layers of problems that can't be unraveled. I get that we can't babysit everyone, but it just seems a pity. There must be millions of good people who trudge through life with so many issues they don't even know where to begin. I am one of those people.

Does this sound relatable to anyone?

Yeah kind of on the same boat. I kind of want to live as well but I'd just be a burden to everyone and have no future of my own, become more pathetic year after year. I also isolate myself and have done for entire life.

I don't know thought of killing myself feels gratifying, feels like killing someone else that deserves it, someone I hate.

 

[Final Escape]

Thank you, you are very sweet. And to everyone else who has supported me and reached out to me on my time here. I am still so very humbled by it, months later. I've never experienced such a welcoming community. And oddly enough, it's served to restore some of my faith in humanity.

I know right, this site can help like a group therapy in a sense. You get to learn about yourself and others. I've noticed just by watching others responses about where my weaknesses are to a degree. Sometimes a post by someone brings up uncomfortable feelings and so I discover there's a block there for me that maybe that person does not have and I can learn from them. I like honest feedback from others even if it's not something I want to hear. Unless it's blatantly intended to insult. That kind of sucks. This might not make sense lol!

 

[JustAboutDone]

Yeah kind of on the same boat. I kind of want to live as well but I'd just be a burden to everyone and have no future of my own, become more pathetic year after year. I also isolate myself and have done for entire life.

I don't know thought of killing myself feels gratifying, feels like killing someone else that deserves it, someone I hate.

@Dor if people treat you badly or judge you or you feel like "your face doesn't fit" then you do isolate yourself to try and protect yourself from further pain. Then your world shrinks even smaller and smaller until it feels like it's you on one side of a wall and the world on another. Xx

None of this is your fault xx

 

[Swisher]

Just so you know, I'm older than most of you. I had an amazingly luxurious life but I paid for it first. I was bullied as a kid. I wanted to die. one day I realized I could do things others couldn't. I could see both sides of life, be a chameleon, and understand anyone. I could negotiate, manipulate and get people to do what I wanted in business. .my salary grew and so did my status. As people were cruel to me, I didn't care. I always cane out ahead, but I only got this for 10 years on my way to work another car hit me and that was it. Yes, I had such a beautiful time but it was gone in seconds. I owned a home my father died and my Mother had to pay for me.she became my life I spent an entire year having to be in bed and then, didn't feel like getting out of it. My house began to become run down...I wanted to sell...I still tried to get out but I was in pain. As your mental health deteriorates so does your physical health more so than just painful surgery. My Mother got older. I used her money. It began to run out. It made sense for me to care for her. I left my home to care for her as she began to decline. Maybe or "incomes" could work together? If you don't have your health mental or physical your body can't take it. It became worse.I was a shit care- taker I worried about her and realized I'd need to sell my house. A miracle...her house began to rise in value. I could put the value of mine in her's. The first stroke wasn'tt too bad as I struggled to care for her.Then another but money was in the home. I thought maybe I could live well enough tho survive if I could save. Depressed and ready to die with my Mother when her time came, I worked. My siblings realized I could care for my Mom and wouldn't need to pay for her care. I worried it'd want to kill myself before she died.. .one day I'd wake up and she'd be dead. I planned to kill myself before she was declinng too much. No matter. In days....My family came in. Took the house.took care of my Mother and told me to leave. No time. Just go. Where? I was already going to die for her and found out she was the one who gave the okay to kick me out... No dementia just go. The third stroke just happened. I'm literally half blind. I had my plan and now the drugs...but into the hospital I went faking emotional health. It doesn't sound so bad....but where do I go? I can't work. The most important person stabbed me in my back. I want someone to fucking kill me because I can't do it. I'll fail.Embarrassed to see anyone. Spending the last several years of my life in a home caring for my Mom all day.. No time to sell anything not that I have anything valuable. Food? Water? Cell phone? Homeless. My head back leg hurt. My eye is completely blind. I have A car but it won't run. I can't drive to live in it. I will fail trying to die and my body is worth shit. pain hunger and where duo I go. I can't walk due to disease. From mental disease to physical as your body finally gives into stress. The person I love...I ALSO FUCKING HATE..I found her the best care I could and my family took the rest. She let them. in less than two weeks my belongings sold. My valuables inherited will be sold most I really paid for with the end of My savings. I'll look perfectly healthy. I'll step into the street because I cannot fucking do it. Kill myself. I was ready but failure was not an option. I failed. So sick. I'll never get the drugs for a chance to die if I crack. Scared homeless and must make these new drugs to work perfectly the first time. I had a chance to sue my own Mom but I had no idea how insane I sounded as I became manic from a stroke and humiliated myself. Even here. Maybe another miracle? I'm too old. It's too late. I need to go now.

I now find this horribly embarrassing. My ottokorect won't work and I cannot put thoughts together when emotionally bananas. Ugh

 

[Swisher]

I know right, this site can help like a group therapy in a sense. You get to learn about yourself and others. I've noticed just by watching others responses about where my weaknesses are to a degree. Sometimes a post by someone brings up uncomfortable feelings and so I discover there's a block there for me that maybe that person does not have and I can learn from them. I like honest feedback from others even if it's not something I want to hear. Unless it's blatantly intended to insult. That kind of sucks. This might not make sense lol!

It makes sense.