Help I don't really know what to do rn

[Paperclips]

I'm scared of my depressive episodes. More often than not recently, I've had ideations, close to attempts but Im always able to talk myself out of it. The only thing that really kept me here was the responsibility of taking care of my cat. Now, I'm not going to have that anymore. Part of me wants to get it over with. I'm scared of it not working. I'm so anxious about another depressive episode coming, and wanting to do it then, that I just want to get it over with. Nothing else is keeping me here. I love my fiance, but I know if I get low again, I'm not even going to consider him. I hate how that sounds. I don't know how to. I have things that I've kept to help me feel secure that I have options, mainly a bottle of Lexapro (20mg) but what about alcohol?