Wyldfyre4948
Waiting for my bus
- Jul 12, 2023
- 377
Another night where I sink deeper into the abyss. Had another breakdown as I was finishing work for the night. I don't have a car so I don't leave home more than once a week to buy groceries, and every hour I'm home its alone. My wife and I dabbled in polyamory what feels like a lifetime ago, and I formed a deep connection with the other woman. This other woman eventually told me she can't love me because she loves a dead man. Effectively cutting me out of the relationship, but I still cared deeply for her and thought of her on occasion. It took 12 years for me to finally give up any hope of the 3 of us rekindling something. We started talking again a few years ago because I was concerned for her due to covid. She renewed our communications and I was overjoyed to be able to talk to her again as it put my mind at ease. Our relationship lasted for about 6 months but I form very deep connections when my heart is involved. Sadly she cut off communication again on 7/4 when I mentioned to her how my family is looking at me differently because my attempts.
My wife that has been by my side for nearly 22 years knows about how I hold connections and can't let go. Yet she still left me and doesn't seem to be coming back to me. She knows that this is one relationship that I can't lose because it's really the only one I have left. My family cares in their own way but they are distant and constantly overstepping. I'm fighting as hard as possible to hold this connection because if it is severed I won't be able to survive it. In less than 2 weeks I'll be buying the R2D III and SN as a backup. God help me that something changes either before I buy them or before I can use them. Otherwise the door will shut and she will probably be haunted by what has happened. I need her to understand how badly I need her.
A decade ago I had an ulcer that caused my body to empty everything over the course of 3 days. I was throwing up coffee ground like blood and laying on the bathroom floor until I could get the energy to make it back to bed. She was there to take care of me through that and she has done so much more. If not for her I would've died long ago and I'm not sure she understands that. It sucks to have my fate tied so heavily to another. All these years I felt she was the only one who truly understood me. My heart has been shattered and its not enough to kill me. I would give anything for her to come back to me and make me live in this retched world for as long as possible.
Living is hell when you lose what you love most. There can't be anything worse than this because I can't even escape this hell when I do get to sleep. Perhaps that's why I don't sleep much. Either my mind races when I try to sleep or I have nightmares of losing her all over again. This world has beaten me because it gave me someone to love only to take her away from me. If only I could give up and just accept my fate already. Yet part of me still yearns for her to return and save me from myself.
It feels like she has made her decision and doesn't want to take my feelings into consideration. I can't move on or love again and I feel hollow. Like a chocolate easter bunny that looks so promising but crumbles under the slightest pressure. Release truly is the only thing I have to look forward to at this point. If I pray hard enough maybe god will either bring her back or grant me a merciful death in my sleep.
I have to find 4 sets of my favorites to leave my parents, brothers, and wife that they can have to remember me by. Maybe even something for a few coworkers who I'm close with as well. What I need doesn't seem to concern anyone except me. At this point a couple months ago I would've had an edible with my wife and we'd enjoy a movie. Her in the corner of the sectional and me at my side with my cat kneading and suckling at his blanket. Now I sit on the couch alone in the dark with only my thoughts. No one to talk to and no one to care. Interview with the Vampire is the movie of the night, but it's mainly on for noise because I can't be bothered to care what is happening on the tv, my mind is otherwise occupied.
This makes me wonder when I truly am too far gone and even her coming back won't save me. I tried to get her to stay and do things safely for both of our benefit. Begging and pleading that I can't lose her. She still has keys and is paying some bills, but I don't know if that is her fulfilling some twisted obligation to set her mind at ease. Maybe I deserve this suffering and should live a long life in pain for some past sin that escapes me. Punishing myself for failing as a husband, son, brother, father or just being so weak. So many questions to ask my maker whenever we finally meet. I recorded another tear filled video tonight for when the inevitable happens. Maybe I'll feel better when I get the means to exit this world, but right now I dread waking up every day and facing an empty apartment.
I've been told I don't need to apologize but I feel I must. Droning on and on about a woman while others have things going on so much worse than I. I'm sorry that I come here to yell the pain that is inside me. There is nowhere else for me to take it and no one I want to expose to this void inside me out of fear it spreads to them.
My wife that has been by my side for nearly 22 years knows about how I hold connections and can't let go. Yet she still left me and doesn't seem to be coming back to me. She knows that this is one relationship that I can't lose because it's really the only one I have left. My family cares in their own way but they are distant and constantly overstepping. I'm fighting as hard as possible to hold this connection because if it is severed I won't be able to survive it. In less than 2 weeks I'll be buying the R2D III and SN as a backup. God help me that something changes either before I buy them or before I can use them. Otherwise the door will shut and she will probably be haunted by what has happened. I need her to understand how badly I need her.
A decade ago I had an ulcer that caused my body to empty everything over the course of 3 days. I was throwing up coffee ground like blood and laying on the bathroom floor until I could get the energy to make it back to bed. She was there to take care of me through that and she has done so much more. If not for her I would've died long ago and I'm not sure she understands that. It sucks to have my fate tied so heavily to another. All these years I felt she was the only one who truly understood me. My heart has been shattered and its not enough to kill me. I would give anything for her to come back to me and make me live in this retched world for as long as possible.
Living is hell when you lose what you love most. There can't be anything worse than this because I can't even escape this hell when I do get to sleep. Perhaps that's why I don't sleep much. Either my mind races when I try to sleep or I have nightmares of losing her all over again. This world has beaten me because it gave me someone to love only to take her away from me. If only I could give up and just accept my fate already. Yet part of me still yearns for her to return and save me from myself.
It feels like she has made her decision and doesn't want to take my feelings into consideration. I can't move on or love again and I feel hollow. Like a chocolate easter bunny that looks so promising but crumbles under the slightest pressure. Release truly is the only thing I have to look forward to at this point. If I pray hard enough maybe god will either bring her back or grant me a merciful death in my sleep.
I have to find 4 sets of my favorites to leave my parents, brothers, and wife that they can have to remember me by. Maybe even something for a few coworkers who I'm close with as well. What I need doesn't seem to concern anyone except me. At this point a couple months ago I would've had an edible with my wife and we'd enjoy a movie. Her in the corner of the sectional and me at my side with my cat kneading and suckling at his blanket. Now I sit on the couch alone in the dark with only my thoughts. No one to talk to and no one to care. Interview with the Vampire is the movie of the night, but it's mainly on for noise because I can't be bothered to care what is happening on the tv, my mind is otherwise occupied.
This makes me wonder when I truly am too far gone and even her coming back won't save me. I tried to get her to stay and do things safely for both of our benefit. Begging and pleading that I can't lose her. She still has keys and is paying some bills, but I don't know if that is her fulfilling some twisted obligation to set her mind at ease. Maybe I deserve this suffering and should live a long life in pain for some past sin that escapes me. Punishing myself for failing as a husband, son, brother, father or just being so weak. So many questions to ask my maker whenever we finally meet. I recorded another tear filled video tonight for when the inevitable happens. Maybe I'll feel better when I get the means to exit this world, but right now I dread waking up every day and facing an empty apartment.
I've been told I don't need to apologize but I feel I must. Droning on and on about a woman while others have things going on so much worse than I. I'm sorry that I come here to yell the pain that is inside me. There is nowhere else for me to take it and no one I want to expose to this void inside me out of fear it spreads to them.
