Venting I don’t love my father

[conejo triste]

My father texted me today "I haven't heard u say I love u to me in a long time", and he isn't wrong. I haven't said I loved any of my family in a while, especially my father. I told him it's hard too. I understand my family may "love" me however the way they show it contradicts the word love, and I just end up lost and confused. He has a habit of being aggressive and guilt tripping, and so it's hard to truly love him. This conversation was no different and was reinforcing that idea into my head. When I told him it was hard to say I love you he began explaining how much he tries for me and that he's never enough and he's the bad guy. I was upset but I still tried explaining myself. Apparently I kept trying to argue and fight while he was simultaneously acting sarcastic and concluding that I always want to fight. I can't do anything about this. Every time I block him my family forces me to talk to him on the basis that he's my father and I should love him no matter what. I hate it so much. Why can't they understand if you love someone you need to act like you do. I can't handle constantly being villainized by the people that are supposed to love me. I don't feel loved, not at all.

 

[cats333]

i completely understand how u feel as i go through the same, and i just want to say that no matter what everyone tells you and no matter what he trues to force you to believe, ur not crazy for thinking those things. its so frustrating for no one to hear what ur trying to say even thought u cant say it more clearly, just hope u know that we hear you and that soon you can distance urself from them <3

 

[Bad-luck]

I get where you're coming from. Sometimes I feel the same way with my family. Have you tried taking to him about how you feel about this?

 

[conejo triste]

i completely understand how u feel as i go through the same, and i just want to say that no matter what everyone tells you and no matter what he trues to force you to believe, ur not crazy for thinking those things. its so frustrating for no one to hear what ur trying to say even thought u cant say it more clearly, just hope u know that we hear you and that soon you can distance urself from them <3

I appreciate the kind words, It's very comforting knowing someone can understand this feeling. I hope both our situations will get better.

 

[BlazingBob]

I don't love either of my parents and they don't love me either, or my brothers. They hate each other and their kids. My mom has told me countless times how much she regrets having kids. She told me she wished I were never born. Not once did she hug me or told me she loved me growing up. My dad told me and my brothers, "I left your mother because of you kids". He's a violent alcoholic malignant narcissist and beat me so bad he broke both of my hands. He used to make plans with me and flake out on purpose just to hurt me. He's a shady businesses man worth millions and lives a great life while I'm battling multiple debilitating chronic illnesses including Parkinson's and about to be homeless. He'd rather see me die than help. He'd invite me to lunch then make me pay the bill. He told me to go to college and he'd pay for it but only after I finished and he reneged leaving me with a bunch of student loans. Then he wouldn't even come to my graduation saying, "My girlfriend and I are going out of town that weekend" "But dad, the graduation is on a Friday and my school is only a slight detour from where you're going" No, I don't think so, it's no big deal, people graduate from college every day". There's so much more I'm only scratching the surface. I don't mean to diminish what your dealing with. It's just that your title resonated with me just a little. I haven't seen him in over 3 years and haven't talked to him in 2. He wants nothing to do with me which I suppose is a good thing, but it just adds insult to injury. I'm sure he'll gloat when he finds out I ctb.

 

[Fimbulvetr]

I genuinely feel like I have to force myself to say "I love you" to my father... It comes naturally with my mother but I genuinely feel disgust for my father. The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb, as they say.

 

[conejo triste]

I get where you're coming from. Sometimes I feel the same way with my family. Have you tried taking to him about how you feel about this?

I have and unfortunately there hasn't been any changes. When I confront him he becomes very rude towards me, cursing me out, and calling me sensitive. Sometimes he apologizes after, sometimes he doesn't but it doesn't really matter because this cycle has been repeating for years. I doubt it'll ever change soon as much as I wish it would.

 

[tiger b]

You don't have to love anyone you don't. It's really that simple.

 

[Bad-luck]

I have and unfortunately there hasn't been any changes. When I confront him he becomes very rude towards me, cursing me out, and calling me sensitive. Sometimes he apologizes after, sometimes he doesn't but it doesn't really matter because this cycle has been repeating for years. I doubt it'll ever change soon as much as I wish it would.

I'm really hope things get better for you

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

My mother was a narcissist, so I understand all too well that blood is definitely not thicker than water.
My definition of family isn't genetic.
Real family are people who are really there for you, and love and respect you.

 

[vuberpoot1]

Even though I understand the importance of family, which is *really* important in some cultures, I think there can always be exceptions to the "rule" of having to love all your family members unconditionally. I of course don't personally know you or your family or your father, but if you feel that your father has wronged you to the point of not deserving your love anymore, I think that is completely valid. We are all independent, sovereign individuals, and no one deserves to be guilted or forced into feeling a certain way towards someone out of obligation. It even sounds like you've tried to rectify the relationship on more than one occasion, but nothing has come of it. To me, it sounds like you're really trying your best but just can't fix your relationship with your father, and that's okay. Maybe you don't hate him, but you don't have to love him the way he wants you to. Just remember, you are your own person, and no one can take that away from you. Wishing you the best, and I hope some day your family comes to understand the way you feel. Much love, my friend.

 

[hi-okbye]

i understand how you feel so much. a while ago, i started to realize i didn't really love my family members anymore, after continous abusive behavior. eventually they have gotten better, and i started slowly loving them again. it feels crushing not to love your family though, because they're your family, your supposed to love them.. but you don't.
sending much love <3

 

[RosebyAnyName]

I don't love my family either. They also tell me they've tried their best and that they love me, but I've never felt the same way. They don't love me, my interests, my goals, my personality, or anything that's actually a part of me. Instead, they only love themselves, and they only love the parts of me that they can consider an extension of themselves. My parents created me so I could spend my whole life patting them on the back for putting in "all the work" of making a child who didn't even consent to being here in the first place.

I guess what I'm saying is it's hard to feel loved when you've only ever felt like a slot machine where performative "love" is put in, and in return you're expected to give them the respect and admiration that society has told them they're entitled to for being parents.

 

[figurehead]

My father texted me today "I haven't heard u say I love u to me in a long time", and he isn't wrong. I haven't said I loved any of my family in a while, especially my father. I told him it's hard too. I understand my family may "love" me however the way they show it contradicts the word love, and I just end up lost and confused. He has a habit of being aggressive and guilt tripping, and so it's hard to truly love him. This conversation was no different and was reinforcing that idea into my head. When I told him it was hard to say I love you he began explaining how much he tries for me and that he's never enough and he's the bad guy. I was upset but I still tried explaining myself. Apparently I kept trying to argue and fight while he was simultaneously acting sarcastic and concluding that I always want to fight. I can't do anything about this. Every time I block him my family forces me to talk to him on the basis that he's my father and I should love him no matter what. I hate it so much. Why can't they understand if you love someone you need to act like you do. I can't handle constantly being villainized by the people that are supposed to love me. I don't feel loved, not at all.

I don't love my father either. Actually "don't love" is a euphemism. I "fell out" with him in my twenties, but for me it was somehow easy for people to understand, as he used to beat up my more so this side of the family hates him too. I get on really well with his second wife and my half-brother. But I haven't spoken or been anywhere near him for almost 20 years. I protected my daughter against him, making sure he wouldn't learn about her. I don't know all your reason for not liking you father, but definitely don't feel guilty for this. Sometimes it happens, and it's not your fault. I dunno why you're suicidal either, but I assure you, I truly hope it's not your father.

 

[Ondine0000ff]

I think the hardest thing about this whole dilema (at least for me) is that there's always a part of us that wants to love them and them to love us back. It's really hard to come to the fact that, sometimes, cutting ties with our biological family is the best thing to do. No matter what you choose, i hoe you won't regret it.

 

[stoiccactus]

I am a parent and I would never say that to my child. It is the parents job to love the child, not the other way around. He sounds like a narcissist.

 

[Timelapse]

Kindest thing my father ever told me was:

Don't talk to me like I am one of your little friends, in this house you say "Good Morning Father" Not "hello dad". I'm not your friend.