rattymiss
Member
- Feb 7, 2023
- 21
sorry for the vent, i have no one else to talk to, especially at this hour.
im incredibly lonely and heartbroken rn, the guy that i liked told me he has absolutely no feelings towards me, after what i thought he was opening up to me. my online friends also thought he likes me like that... gives me mixed signals, but also doesnt say that he doesnt want me for sure, its always just "idk" or "i dont want to be in a relationship rn but maybe someday", "its not like i dont like you". it also reminded me of times where guys i loved wanted me to kill myself for a simple joke or for rejecting their offer to sex (this particular situation, he didnt say it directly to me but to mutual friend which then showed me screen shots of the convo, that im unlovable and incurable with my mental health and i should just kill myself).
also my friends keep leaving me. recently one, and only irl friend left be because of my personality. as she said, my personality is my insecurity. she thinks im stupid because i have difficulties with reading maps etc. adn generally thinks that we arent compatible friends because we drifted apart mentally growing up.
i feel so empty right now. i feel like i dont have real problems, im just crying about anything at this point. like oh no, he doesnt want u? get a grip idk. oh u cut urself? how old are you? fucking 14? i keep repeating in my head the moment i was raped. i was just 9 years old... i still cant cope.
i dont like most things about me either, but i wont change anything because im just so drained i cant physically make myself do anything to introduce changes into my life, whether that would be skincare or basic hygiene. i just stare in the mirror crying at how fat and ugly i am. i wish i was skinny, at least this much and its especially painful knowing that i used to be severely underweight and that was my only good thing about me. now i starve myself again, hoping that ill be skinny once more because i dont have the energy to just work out. my voice is also something i hate so much, i keep crying and asking myself why i have the voice i have. i used to get bullied for it. monotone, flat and weird voice. people say i sound like i want to ctb (which would be correct but thats besides the point). im always jealous of girls with pretty, girly voices and all i get are questions if im for sure not a guy even tho my voice isnt that deep, i dont think. maybe if i spoke more when i was a kid... but instead id go days without saying a single word except maybe "ok", "yes", "not now" and "no". maybe if i didnt let myself go just for a bit of enjoyment i wouldnt be where i am today. i hate my chubby face, my eyes, my lips, my nose. i just dye my hair and get piercing to distract from these features hoping no one notices. but they still do. i wish it was so easy for me as for others.
i keep cutting myself for a bit of distraction, either that or games, alcohol or smoking. living a different life in rp hoping to forget about my real life.
i dont understand why im such a failure, what did i do to deserve all of this? i really want to ctb but its hard, i dont want to leave a mess and become another problem after i die.
sorry for venting, i doubt anyone wants to read this but i just wanted to get it out of my chest to someone, anyone.
im incredibly lonely and heartbroken rn, the guy that i liked told me he has absolutely no feelings towards me, after what i thought he was opening up to me. my online friends also thought he likes me like that... gives me mixed signals, but also doesnt say that he doesnt want me for sure, its always just "idk" or "i dont want to be in a relationship rn but maybe someday", "its not like i dont like you". it also reminded me of times where guys i loved wanted me to kill myself for a simple joke or for rejecting their offer to sex (this particular situation, he didnt say it directly to me but to mutual friend which then showed me screen shots of the convo, that im unlovable and incurable with my mental health and i should just kill myself).
also my friends keep leaving me. recently one, and only irl friend left be because of my personality. as she said, my personality is my insecurity. she thinks im stupid because i have difficulties with reading maps etc. adn generally thinks that we arent compatible friends because we drifted apart mentally growing up.
i feel so empty right now. i feel like i dont have real problems, im just crying about anything at this point. like oh no, he doesnt want u? get a grip idk. oh u cut urself? how old are you? fucking 14? i keep repeating in my head the moment i was raped. i was just 9 years old... i still cant cope.
i dont like most things about me either, but i wont change anything because im just so drained i cant physically make myself do anything to introduce changes into my life, whether that would be skincare or basic hygiene. i just stare in the mirror crying at how fat and ugly i am. i wish i was skinny, at least this much and its especially painful knowing that i used to be severely underweight and that was my only good thing about me. now i starve myself again, hoping that ill be skinny once more because i dont have the energy to just work out. my voice is also something i hate so much, i keep crying and asking myself why i have the voice i have. i used to get bullied for it. monotone, flat and weird voice. people say i sound like i want to ctb (which would be correct but thats besides the point). im always jealous of girls with pretty, girly voices and all i get are questions if im for sure not a guy even tho my voice isnt that deep, i dont think. maybe if i spoke more when i was a kid... but instead id go days without saying a single word except maybe "ok", "yes", "not now" and "no". maybe if i didnt let myself go just for a bit of enjoyment i wouldnt be where i am today. i hate my chubby face, my eyes, my lips, my nose. i just dye my hair and get piercing to distract from these features hoping no one notices. but they still do. i wish it was so easy for me as for others.
i keep cutting myself for a bit of distraction, either that or games, alcohol or smoking. living a different life in rp hoping to forget about my real life.
i dont understand why im such a failure, what did i do to deserve all of this? i really want to ctb but its hard, i dont want to leave a mess and become another problem after i die.
sorry for venting, i doubt anyone wants to read this but i just wanted to get it out of my chest to someone, anyone.
