Venting i dont like my like options

[OutOfTheVoid]

since i dont have any reliable preferred method to ctb, i have to live a little longer until i can figure something out. in the meantime, my options for living suck. im poor and disabled so living is difficult. i could plan for the long-term and try to get on disability. i dont want to be a wage slave and i doubt i'd be capable of working anyway. i also need to make life tolerable somehow and make myself functional, and the only thing that has consistently helped me with that is drugs. i would need to see a psychiatrist again, both to help me function and to try to get drugs that could be useful for ctb. other ppl want me to be off certain drugs tho, so i either have keep my use secret (which is difficult and i dont like being dishonest) or be open about it and risk intervention. i'll probably have to take that risk eventually. even if that works out tho, i imagine it'll be awkward and might complicate things. alternatively, i could try to get clean again, but fuck that. being sober sucks

i could just keep slowly destroying myself and taking risks on my life, but that might just leave me more disabled and still alive. its already difficult enough just to get out of bed and shower every day. i dont want to become so depressed or ill that i cant take care of myself anymore. i need to at least be able to maintain my appearance and continue getting hrt. and i dont want to become more of a burden on others than i already am. worst case scenario i might end up in a hospital again. i did not like being in grippy sock jail tho, it was stressful and humiliating

idk what i'll end up doing. not gonna even try committing to any particular option bc they all suck and i suck at committing to anything. either way for now i have to force myself to do things again. i was refusing to do any long-term planning bc it gives me anxiety and its difficult to do much of anything. i thought i would be able to die soon so i was just living in the moment numbing my pain and getting high all the time. now ive been having to actually do things again and it sucks. im barely able to do any physical task, especially bc my body is still recovering from a mix of overexertion and malnutrition

i also was just so happy before at the thought of finally being free from this world and ceasing to exist. i thought i wouldnt have to deal with this bs anymore. but none of my attempts worked and then i learned that its a lot more difficult to ctb than i thought. maybe i'll keep trying anyway, even if the likelihood is low. but since its unlikely i'll actually ctb, i cant plan as if its a guarantee anymore. so i have to plan on the assumption that i'll continue living. but it is so difficult and i just wish i could die already. i miss the peace of expecting death. now i have to face the anxiety of living

 

[LocalAngel]

This is pretty much how i feel to a T. Swinging from one end of "I should recover." to the opposite entirely. A continous cycle until something is able to be truly committed to... easier said then done though.
You aren't alone, at the very least. Existence, let alone basic maintenance, can be absolute hell for trans ppl. Sad reality, but true. i'll be here if you need to talk.

 

[FuneralCry]

I really hate the fact how it's this difficult for us to die, none of us should have to stay here for a second longer than we wish to and it must be so tiring feeling trapped in that situation. But anyway, I wish you the best.

 

[lebrodude]

Yeah that's pretty much where I am too.
Seem to change my planned method every other day

If only futurama style booths were a thing.

 

[OutOfTheVoid]

This is pretty much how i feel to a T. Swinging from one end of "I should recover." to the opposite entirely. A continous cycle until something is able to be truly committed to... easier said then done though.
You aren't alone, at the very least. Existence, let alone basic maintenance, can be absolute hell for trans ppl. Sad reality, but true. i'll be here if you need to talk.

ive always been living in cycles like this, especially cuz i have bipolar and bpd. feels like everything is spiralling into an inevitable end. i just want it to end sooner rather than later. but idk, maybe i can find peace in embracing the cycle. just accept that i'll flip between recovery and relapse. maybe thats ok