theparkinglotshot
New Member
- Apr 27, 2021
- 1
For the entirety of my life, I've done sneaky shit to screw over the people that I love, for whatever reasons, that I'm jealous or just insecure, but even as I grow older and try to actively work on myself in therapy and everyday life, I keep finding myself letting down the people that I care the most about.
My boyfriend and I almost broke up a couple of weeks ago, and I had arranged everything to move back home across the country, but he said that he didn't want to break up, and that we would make a point to spend more time together and enjoy life more together. Anytime we've fought before, I'm always the one who is begging for us to stay together, and that I'll do anything to try and make it work, but this time it wasn't me wanting to keep everything the same, it was him, and that made me feel so validated and like I'm worth being loved and for a few days everything felt great.
Surely, though, my feelings of worthlessness creeped back up on me and my boyfriend has kept his word, trying to organize dates and activities, but I just feel so tired and disinterested in anything. When I'm not sleeping, which is most of the time, I'm just thinking about ending things and not motivated to really do much at all.
I feel so sick every morning when I wake up, and spend the first half of the day trying to quell my anxiety. I feel like such a burden on everyone who knows me and I'm just so tired of who I am and tired of being so tired all of the time.
Sometimes I think that if there was just a button you could press to end your life in an instant, I'd be long gone, but then I think about all of the people I'd be hurting by leaving, which seems stupid anyway because as humans we're all inherently selfish whether we want to admit it or not, but my dad is all alone and tells me all the time how tired he is of being alive, so I can't imagine leaving him as well, but at the same time I imagine I could just leave him all the money I've saved and ask my boyfriend to look out for him, but then I'm again feeling like a burden on my boyfriend. Logistics are so tiring.
I feel like I've lived my whole life thinking things would be better when; when I graduate high school, when I move out, when I get to college, when I live with my boyfriend, get a dog, make some money, etc., but nothing feels better. I feel like all the opportunity I've had has been wasted on me. I feel like so much of who I am and the life I have is a waste.
I don't know where I'm going with this but it felt nice to talk about how I'm feeling without concerning everyone around me. Thanks for reading if you've made it this far.
Shelby
My boyfriend and I almost broke up a couple of weeks ago, and I had arranged everything to move back home across the country, but he said that he didn't want to break up, and that we would make a point to spend more time together and enjoy life more together. Anytime we've fought before, I'm always the one who is begging for us to stay together, and that I'll do anything to try and make it work, but this time it wasn't me wanting to keep everything the same, it was him, and that made me feel so validated and like I'm worth being loved and for a few days everything felt great.
Surely, though, my feelings of worthlessness creeped back up on me and my boyfriend has kept his word, trying to organize dates and activities, but I just feel so tired and disinterested in anything. When I'm not sleeping, which is most of the time, I'm just thinking about ending things and not motivated to really do much at all.
I feel so sick every morning when I wake up, and spend the first half of the day trying to quell my anxiety. I feel like such a burden on everyone who knows me and I'm just so tired of who I am and tired of being so tired all of the time.
Sometimes I think that if there was just a button you could press to end your life in an instant, I'd be long gone, but then I think about all of the people I'd be hurting by leaving, which seems stupid anyway because as humans we're all inherently selfish whether we want to admit it or not, but my dad is all alone and tells me all the time how tired he is of being alive, so I can't imagine leaving him as well, but at the same time I imagine I could just leave him all the money I've saved and ask my boyfriend to look out for him, but then I'm again feeling like a burden on my boyfriend. Logistics are so tiring.
I feel like I've lived my whole life thinking things would be better when; when I graduate high school, when I move out, when I get to college, when I live with my boyfriend, get a dog, make some money, etc., but nothing feels better. I feel like all the opportunity I've had has been wasted on me. I feel like so much of who I am and the life I have is a waste.
I don't know where I'm going with this but it felt nice to talk about how I'm feeling without concerning everyone around me. Thanks for reading if you've made it this far.
Shelby
