Venting I don't know why I'm still alive anymore

[Life_and_Death]

"You should get better for yourself" (please do not blame this person for what they said and yes, they understand mental health very well. It wasn't one of those "stupid" comments)
But I have nothing for myself. I don't have a high school diploma. I doubt I can get a job. Im in constant discomfort due to back pain. I have 1 friend, my 2 little brothers, my cats, my grampy. I don't talk to my friend often plus she's an online friend. My brothers are estranged I guess, stupid parents, them being underage and whatnot. My cats are cats, I mean I can tell they'd miss me but they're cats. And I don't talk to my Grampy often either. My SO..... Idk.... After he said sorry for gaming with his friends.... I need him... He's all I have, but clearly he's better off without me. I went from one abusive home to another (not in ref defence to my SO). I got abused/abandoned everywhere. Literally no one can handle me, I have no one, I have no future. I don't see any purpose living past today (I'm not going to I don't have a method on me. I wish I could though). I honestly can't seem to avoid abuse/abandonment, it makes me think I deserve it. I don't know why. I don't know what I did. But everyone hates me for some reason.

 

[symphony]

I hear you. Sometimes it seems impossible to find a reason, and I think that's okay. I'm not sure if this is helpful, feel free to ignore me, but I'm wondering - so you sometimes see a reason to keep going, or have you had a reason in the past that for some reason or another is no longer convincing?

 

[Life_and_Death]

but I'm wondering - so you sometimes see a reason to keep going, or have you had a reason in the past that for some reason or another is no longer convincing?

I have bpd. Sometimes things are fine but rarely. And with my SO and I being on the rocks lately (sadly not a drink reference lol) I have a lot less now.
Bpd is a funny thing. When I'm happy I'm really happy due to my extreme emotions. But it also comes with chronic suicidal thoughts. Even when I'm happy, im very very rarely happy. Happy is more of a distraction then actual happy.

 

[symphony]

I have bpd. Sometimes things are fine but rarely. And with my SO and I being on the rocks lately (sadly not a drink reference lol) I have a lot less now.
Bpd is a funny thing. When I'm happy I'm really happy due to my extreme emotions. But it also comes with chronic suicidal thoughts. Even when I'm happy, im very very rarely happy. Happy is more of a distraction then actual happy.

Gotcha. BPD seems like an absolute bitch. I don't have it myself, but I know some people including a family member who do. I'm so sorry you have to deal with that.

 

[CommitSudoku]

I know someone who doesn't have a high school diploma and is working at a job. So it's certainly possible, just the types of jobs might not all be ideal. But there's nothing wrong with that especially if you truly want to work and put yourself out there. All work has some importance, and a lot of work people don't want to do has the most importance and is overlooked often. The back pain is harder, I deal with that too and I just don't care to bother fixing myself. I'm not sure the cause for you, but it could be fixable. Whether it's worth the effort or not - that goes back to us. I tend to believe everyone is better off without me as well, but then that's making a decision for someone else and I try to remind myself that isn't right. I wouldn't want anyone else deciding my feelings for me, so why do the same for them? It's unavoidable sometimes still, but I try to remind myself this. Though for me now it's become, "okay some people will miss me but I still want to go," and that's plenty hard too. You don't deserve abuse or abandonment, though there's nothing I can do to convince you of that. I'm sorry you've had such a rough time as well. I hope things get better for you.