Venting I don’t know why I want to leave so bad, but I do

[butterfly3]

I've just lost interest in life and everything within it. Before, I had reasonable and specific reasons why I wanted to go.

But now, since starting uni a few months ago, things have got better. I've made a few friends (although the loneliness isn't really gone, it's still better), I'm not as stressed as before, and I try to take better care of myself. I should be out of this by now, but I'm not. I feel like this suicidal nature is just ingrained into my being now. I now believe that no matter how much things might get better, I'm just going to always have suicide at the back of my mind.
Since like three years ago, nothing has been the same. It's like something switched as soon as I turned 16 and progressively got worse since.

I don't enjoy life like I used to, and no matter what I do, suicide is always on the back burner of my mind.
I have just lost interest in everything that used to make me happy and living in general and I don't actually know if I'll be the same again.

I've seriously tried everything to get better, self-care, exercise, meditation, positive self talk, i even started therapy recently, but nothing seems to work.
I want to get my hands on Nembutal or something, I just want a peaceful way out, but there's so many laws and protection against it. If I want to go, then why is that such a big problem for everyone? It's my life; I should be able to do what I want with it. I just feel so done and so empty.
even if I want to go through with it, I have absolutely no method available or appealing to me. apart from maybe alcohol poisoning which I've been considering.

 

[Gaga786]

I completely understand your feelings. They are valid.I'm in a similar position as you, and although things seem to be headed towards a decent direction yet, I still don't feel like living. Existence is painful ; no matter how much I try, I still have suicide at the back of my mind. I think its more of an escape from my struggles and the pain that's prevalent throughout life.I wish you the best, and I hope you find the inner peace that you yearn. Take care!

 

[Timetoleave1]

There is probably not a peaceful way to go, or at least in the way you think.
In order to die, you have to shut down your body and if you are not ready on different aspects, it will probably not work.
When you are ready, if you really want to go, you will chose instictively the (most lethal) method to achieve your goal.

 

[butterfly3]

I completely understand your feelings. They are valid.I'm in a similar position as you, and although things seem to be headed towards a decent direction yet, I still don't feel like living. Existence is painful ; no matter how much I try, I still have suicide at the back of my mind. I think its more of an escape from my struggles and the pain that's prevalent throughout life.I wish you the best, and I hope you find the inner peace that you yearn. Take care!

thank you, i hope you achieve inner peace too :)

 

[FuneralCry]

The way that you feel is certainly understandable, and after all the wish to die doesn't need to be justified with many reasons. At least to me it makes sense to not want to delay the inevitable, we are all destined to die anyway so if someone just wants to leave then they should be able to exit in a peaceful way and it's so incredibly cruel how we are denied this.

I think that there isn't anything really appealing about existing in the first place and at least to me I could never want to exist under any circumstances even if I could change things. Thoughts of suicide are simply the natural response to me being aware of this world. I do understand that it's an awful situation to be in, feeling trapped here with no reliable method, when you just want to be gone but anyway I hope that you find the freedom that you wish for.