Reflection
Lost
- Sep 12, 2024
- 161
I was gonna ctb yesterday, but after having a panic attack the day before and being rushed to the ER I didn't, though it's just been postponed at best. Now I'm staying at home for the week, and just yesterday my ex reached out to me asking why I haven't been to college, I assured her that I'm gonna come back the following week and had a talk with her explaining what happened, her response was something along the lines of "tough, hope you learned your lesson".
After a long conversation she told me that there's no way she's gonna even try to compromise and try to work things out and that I better focus on moving on to get better for the sake of not hurting my family and her. I tried explaining that I've been trying to for a whole year now, no avail. She only wants me around on her terms, and doesn't seem to care about me at all even after what happened, the only thing on her mind is: "I don't want to be blamed by anyone if anything happens to you, so get the fuck away from me if you care about me... or do you want to see me dead until you believe it"...even though I never tried to frame it that way and reassured her that none of it is her responsibility and that I would make sure to get her out of the picture completely no matter what happens. to which she simply repsonded "ok thanks".
She also told me something that made it seem like she thinks I have loose screws, which I thought was very insensitive, and also kept making light of the situation multiple times and laughing and joking about it when we talked.
I honestly keep thinking right now that she might be right about everything and that I'm just flat out mentally insane for not being able to move on and trying to work things out, that everything going on now is my fault only, that I'm just hurting her when I try to talk to her about trying to fix things... I don't know and never will I guess. I don't want to hurt anyone and now I feel like being responsible for anyhting that might happen to her if I CTB which makes me hold off even more.
After a long conversation she told me that there's no way she's gonna even try to compromise and try to work things out and that I better focus on moving on to get better for the sake of not hurting my family and her. I tried explaining that I've been trying to for a whole year now, no avail. She only wants me around on her terms, and doesn't seem to care about me at all even after what happened, the only thing on her mind is: "I don't want to be blamed by anyone if anything happens to you, so get the fuck away from me if you care about me... or do you want to see me dead until you believe it"...even though I never tried to frame it that way and reassured her that none of it is her responsibility and that I would make sure to get her out of the picture completely no matter what happens. to which she simply repsonded "ok thanks".
She also told me something that made it seem like she thinks I have loose screws, which I thought was very insensitive, and also kept making light of the situation multiple times and laughing and joking about it when we talked.
I honestly keep thinking right now that she might be right about everything and that I'm just flat out mentally insane for not being able to move on and trying to work things out, that everything going on now is my fault only, that I'm just hurting her when I try to talk to her about trying to fix things... I don't know and never will I guess. I don't want to hurt anyone and now I feel like being responsible for anyhting that might happen to her if I CTB which makes me hold off even more.
