I don't know what to do

[Tired&Drained]

It's so hard to figure out how to start writing this, I've had suicidal thoughts since I was at least 16, somehow I've never had any real attempts, probably out of fear of disabling myself further and hurting the people around me. Me and my girlfriend just got done crying together in a corner because of my selfish decision, I try so hard to be a good person but I just can't stop hurting people, I made her cry. We're in Long Island on what's supposed to be a fun vacation, we're meeting her discord friends which is a concept I still can't fully understand, we're staying in a hotel room with their best friend because even together we couldn't afford a room. He's her best friend but he doesn't mean anything to me, no more than any other friendly stranger, he's her best friend but he just feels like this presence I wish would leave us alone. I'm worrying that I hurt their friendship because I needed time alone with her, because I'm a stupid fucking animal who she'd be better off without.

All of this has reminded me that everything has a price, even something as simple as having time with your girlfriend will hurt people. If I stay alive I'll hurt people, if I kill myself I also hurt people, I wish so badly that I didn't have to, I don't want to be this kind of animal anymore. Does anyone have any happiness that lasts, is there anyway to just be okay without causing yourself and others to ultimately suffer even more?

I keep looking at our window, we're on the 7th floor and even though there's weird angles outside if I jump out head first I should still die, I can finally end this pointless hell, but I promised her I'd be okay so I'm going to will myself through this, and my stupid body would probably stop me anyway, my DNA needs me to be a good little host and spread this disease to someone else, I guess at least I can be happy I'm not going to make anyone else suffer an entire life, I won't sentence anyone else to this.

I still remember some of what I said to my girlfriend when she wanted to get out of the shower, I said that we should stay, we should wither away so people would find our bones and historians would say we were very good friends, I kept talking about how we were leaving Eden for hell, I tried to recite some of Disco Elysium's intro lol.

I'm not sure why I'm writing this, none of you know me, none of you can fix me, none of you can come to my hotel room and put a bullet in my head so I don't have to hurt anyone with suicide. I wish I didn't have to play this stupid game anymore, I wish I were strong enough and selfish enough to just let this boulder roll down and crush me, save me from all of this.

 

[FuneralCry]

Happiness doesn't even exist to me personally. I just see life as being constant suffering. I understand the feeling of being desperate to leave, it does seem as though there is no escape from pain in a life like this. I've also never attempted because of the fear of failure. It's just so unfair how dying is this difficult. I hope that in whatever happens, you find relief from suffering as none of us should ever have to endure such pain.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Relationships are complicated. Honestly, I've never been in a relationship but, just from my friendships/family history, I'm pretty sure I would react in a similar way to you. I don't know whether it's insecurity/social anxiety. I don't know whether other people feel it too but I'm better interacting with just one another person- or- more recently- none at all! Three is an awkward number.

It's bound to feel a bit odd if your girlfriend has a history (friendship) with this other guy. I think there is often a bit of friction in these types of scenarios. I don't honestly know what to suggest to make things better I'm afraid- as I struggle too but I guess just know that you're not alone in feeling like this.

Sometimes, we just have to accept that these other people are an important aspects to our loved ones lives and try and get by as best we can. My Mum died when I was three. My Dad re-married when I was 10 and I had frankly a hellish time with a step sibling. As a result, things have always been very luke warm with my step Mum and my parents very much come as a pair. Obviously it's different, because I'm not so dependent on my Dad as I expect I would be a partner but it's still not easy and it was much harder when I was young.

We might not ever truly get on with this other person but in your case, they won't always be around I guess. Also, it doesn't mean you are any less valuable to your girlfriend just because she has this other friend. Don't beat yourself up about feeling what you do- we can't help our make-up and how we react to stuff. I guess, just try and make it through the best you can. I wish you all the best.

 

[Tired&Drained]

Relationships are complicated. Honestly, I've never been in a relationship but, just from my friendships/family history, I'm pretty sure I would react in a similar way to you. I don't know whether it's insecurity/social anxiety. I don't know whether other people feel it too but I'm better interacting with just one another person- or- more recently- none at all! Three is an awkward number.

It's bound to feel a bit odd if your girlfriend has a history (friendship) with this other guy. I think there is often a bit of friction in these types of scenarios. I don't honestly know what to suggest to make things better I'm afraid- as I struggle too but I guess just know that you're not alone in feeling like this.

Sometimes, we just have to accept that these other people are an important aspects to our loved ones lives and try and get by as best we can. My Mum died when I was three. My Dad re-married when I was 10 and I had frankly a hellish time with a step sibling. As a result, things have always been very luke warm with my step Mum and my parents very much come as a pair. Obviously it's different, because I'm not so dependent on my Dad as I expect I would be a partner but it's still not easy and it was much harder when I was young.

We might not ever truly get on with this other person but in your case, they won't always be around I guess. Also, it doesn't mean you are any less valuable to your girlfriend just because she has this other friend. Don't beat yourself up about feeling what you do- we can't help our make-up and how we react to stuff. I guess, just try and make it through the best you can. I wish you all the best.

Thank you this means a lot, the person is my girlfriends ex which makes this even weirder. Right now I'm just laying having what are probably just stupid anxious fantasies because I said I'd stay at the hotel alone today so they can patch things up.

I wanted to go to the George Washington Bridge and throw myself off but this shitty city made it so much harder to jump, can't lose any wage slaves I guess

 

[ConstantPain]

I'm feeling for you right now, simultaneously glad you're not going to jump and wishing I was there to jump myself.
I'm not currently single but wish I was. I'm convinced it's easier to be alone

 

[Forever Sleep]

Thank you this means a lot, the person is my girlfriends ex which makes this even weirder. Right now I'm just laying having what are probably just stupid anxious fantasies because I said I'd stay at the hotel alone today so they can patch things up.

I wanted to go to the George Washington Bridge and throw myself off but this shitty city made it so much harder to jump, can't lose any wage slaves I guess

I hope things work out and you feel better about the situation soon. It's completely understandable that this experience has unnerved you, although your concerns could well be unfounded.

I think I probably experience things very similarly to you. I tend to take social situations to heart and they quite often make me feel like I just want to throw the towel in- they're just too difficult. I tend to avoid them all together now!

It's a very vulnerable thing to open yourself up to another human being for any kind of relationship. I hope you will have some time soon to be able to talk to your girlfriend in private.

Do you think it would help to let her know you are feeling awkward around this other guy? Not to ask her not to see him again but more so that she's aware you feel uncomfortable and can maybe defuse the tension more? Sometimes, it's not always obvious how we feel to other people- even our nearest and dearest. I really hope things work out for you.

 

[Dried_Ink]

I keep looking at our window, we're on the 7th floor and even though there's weird angles outside if I jump out head first I should still die, I can finally end this pointless hell, but I promised her I'd be okay so I'm going to will myself through this, and my stupid body would probably stop me anyway, my DNA needs me to be a good little host and spread this disease to someone else, I guess at least I can be happy I'm not going to make anyone else suffer an entire life, I won't sentence anyone else to this.

People have survived falls from heights twice that, skydivers whose parachutes malfunctioned and suicidal alike. I wouldn't take my chances at surviving such a fall with irreversible injuries, permanent paralysis, "locked-in" syndrome, and the inability to never ctb without the approval of state-sanctioned euthanasia ever again?

I read your entire post, but sadly can't really offer any advice on the relationship side of things… I just hope you reach some common ground with your gf, and possibly see the value in spending time with another human being who's even remotely attracted to you, which some of us FA people will never get to experience in this life.