T
Tired&Drained
Trans and tired
- Apr 17, 2022
- 20
It's so hard to figure out how to start writing this, I've had suicidal thoughts since I was at least 16, somehow I've never had any real attempts, probably out of fear of disabling myself further and hurting the people around me. Me and my girlfriend just got done crying together in a corner because of my selfish decision, I try so hard to be a good person but I just can't stop hurting people, I made her cry. We're in Long Island on what's supposed to be a fun vacation, we're meeting her discord friends which is a concept I still can't fully understand, we're staying in a hotel room with their best friend because even together we couldn't afford a room. He's her best friend but he doesn't mean anything to me, no more than any other friendly stranger, he's her best friend but he just feels like this presence I wish would leave us alone. I'm worrying that I hurt their friendship because I needed time alone with her, because I'm a stupid fucking animal who she'd be better off without.
All of this has reminded me that everything has a price, even something as simple as having time with your girlfriend will hurt people. If I stay alive I'll hurt people, if I kill myself I also hurt people, I wish so badly that I didn't have to, I don't want to be this kind of animal anymore. Does anyone have any happiness that lasts, is there anyway to just be okay without causing yourself and others to ultimately suffer even more?
I keep looking at our window, we're on the 7th floor and even though there's weird angles outside if I jump out head first I should still die, I can finally end this pointless hell, but I promised her I'd be okay so I'm going to will myself through this, and my stupid body would probably stop me anyway, my DNA needs me to be a good little host and spread this disease to someone else, I guess at least I can be happy I'm not going to make anyone else suffer an entire life, I won't sentence anyone else to this.
I still remember some of what I said to my girlfriend when she wanted to get out of the shower, I said that we should stay, we should wither away so people would find our bones and historians would say we were very good friends, I kept talking about how we were leaving Eden for hell, I tried to recite some of Disco Elysium's intro lol.
I'm not sure why I'm writing this, none of you know me, none of you can fix me, none of you can come to my hotel room and put a bullet in my head so I don't have to hurt anyone with suicide. I wish I didn't have to play this stupid game anymore, I wish I were strong enough and selfish enough to just let this boulder roll down and crush me, save me from all of this.
All of this has reminded me that everything has a price, even something as simple as having time with your girlfriend will hurt people. If I stay alive I'll hurt people, if I kill myself I also hurt people, I wish so badly that I didn't have to, I don't want to be this kind of animal anymore. Does anyone have any happiness that lasts, is there anyway to just be okay without causing yourself and others to ultimately suffer even more?
I keep looking at our window, we're on the 7th floor and even though there's weird angles outside if I jump out head first I should still die, I can finally end this pointless hell, but I promised her I'd be okay so I'm going to will myself through this, and my stupid body would probably stop me anyway, my DNA needs me to be a good little host and spread this disease to someone else, I guess at least I can be happy I'm not going to make anyone else suffer an entire life, I won't sentence anyone else to this.
I still remember some of what I said to my girlfriend when she wanted to get out of the shower, I said that we should stay, we should wither away so people would find our bones and historians would say we were very good friends, I kept talking about how we were leaving Eden for hell, I tried to recite some of Disco Elysium's intro lol.
I'm not sure why I'm writing this, none of you know me, none of you can fix me, none of you can come to my hotel room and put a bullet in my head so I don't have to hurt anyone with suicide. I wish I didn't have to play this stupid game anymore, I wish I were strong enough and selfish enough to just let this boulder roll down and crush me, save me from all of this.