I don't know what to do

[justexhausted]

I've been postponing my date for years now and I think I'm finally ready. I'm supposed to be moving out of my dorm next weekend so I figured I would ctb a couple of days before that. I wouldn't have to worry about anyone catching me during my attempt and I would save my mom some trauma of finding my body. However, I recently found out that my grandpa is dying and now I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to tough it out and wait until after he passes so that I could be there for his last moments and help with the funeral preparation. I also don't want to put my family through so much grief in such a short timespan, but I wouldn't get another golden opportunity to ctb like this for another year and realistically, other complications might arise that would prevent me from going through with it. Another part of me wants to be selfish for once and not wait. Doing this now might be the worst thing I could ever do to my family, but I'm just so exhausted. I've toughed it out for so long and I don't know if I can keep doing it anymore. Postponing my date for another year might fuck up everything and right now, I have the perfect setup. I don't know what to do.

 

[novem]

I too think about ctb frequently but it is not too bad for me just yet thus i am still here, and also i dont have my method with me (maybe having the method would change things) I suppose nobody here will encourage you to ctb, bc it is against the rules. Something tells me that you still can fix your life, though.

 

[Al Cappella]

That is a tough situation to be in, no doubt. I tend to believe when a decision is made you'll have a clear head about it. Even just being fatigued can make it really hard to decide anything, and you do sound really tired. I'd be inclined to give myself 3 days, then think about it again. 3's just a number, could be anything. If then you're still not sure, another 3, until you are 100%. Well 80%, no one's ever 100%.

 

[justexhausted]

Thank you guys for your response. I truly appreciate it.

I too think about ctb frequently but it is not too bad for me just yet thus i am still here, and also i dont have my method with me (maybe having the method would change things) I suppose nobody here will encourage you to ctb, bc it is against the rules. Something tells me that you still can fix your life, though.

I wish it was something that I can fix. I think I have a pretty decent life. I'm physically healthy and I have amazing friends and a family that supports my endeavors. I have such a privileged life and yet I'm unable to fully appreciate it. I'm doing everything right, but nothing I do can fill this overwhelming emptiness that I'm struggling with.

That is a tough situation to be in, no doubt. I tend to believe when a decision is made you'll have a clear head about it. Even just being fatigued can make it really hard to decide anything, and you do sound really tired. I'd be inclined to give myself 3 days, then think about it again. 3's just a number, could be anything. If then you're still not sure, another 3, until you are 100%. Well 80%, no one's ever 100%.

Thank you for your sound advice. I think I'll wait until my tentative date and see how I'm feeling then. If I decide that I'm ready then I'll do it. After all, as selfish as it sounds, I'm not going to be around to deal with the aftermath.

 

[novem]

Thank you guys for your response. I truly appreciate it.

I wish it was something that I can fix. I think I have a pretty decent life. I'm physically healthy and I have amazing friends and a family that supports my endeavors. I have such a privileged life and yet I'm unable to fully appreciate it. I'm doing everything right, but nothing I do can fill this overwhelming emptiness that I'm struggling with.

Thank you for your sound advice. I think I'll wait until my tentative date and see how I'm feeling then. If I decide that I'm ready then I'll do it. After all, as selfish as it sounds, I'm not going to be around to deal with the aftermath.

what is the cause of the emptiness?

 

[long4rest]

I am in a similar position. Elderly loved one is day to day. CTB'ing will cause stress to this loved one. But my window is slipping by. If I decide to go first, I will write a long apology and explanation. If I wait until after I will be shattered by the loss of this loved one. Also stressing about procuring supplies, I think if that gets resolved I can decide better.

I hope you can find an answer that is the best possible and you can be somewhat at peace with.

 

[justexhausted]

what is the cause of the emptiness?

I guess it stems from a feeling of disconnect. I can never truly open up to my friends and family or else I'd risk being shipped to the closest psych ward and being surveilled 24/7 which is why I'm so grateful for this community. There's not a lot of places where you can vent about your struggles and not have to worry about getting into trouble or deal with a stranger spouting some meaningless platitude.

I am in a similar position. Elderly loved one is day to day. CTB'ing will cause stress to this loved one. But my window is slipping by. If I decide to go first, I will write a long apology and explanation. If I wait until after I will be shattered by the loss of this loved one. Also stressing about procuring supplies, I think if that gets resolved I can decide better.

I hope you can find an answer that is the best possible and you can be somewhat at peace with.

Thank you. It's nice to know that I'm not alone. I wish you all the best.

 

[imcurious]

Oh wow. Your story couldn't be any closer to mine. I read through your replies and found that you, too, have amazing friends and family, but there's a sort of emptiness that pangs at you and you can't help but wonder what the other side looks like.

I, too, just left my dorm. My roommate left before I did. It was the perfect opportunity. I didn't do it.

There is something genuine about you. I hope you make the right decision for yourself, whether it is to wait, change your life around, or the very thing we are all here on this website for. We all deserve peace.

 

[novem]

There should not be time pressure when you decide to ctb, otherwise it is not you who decide but the circumstances. If you have no own place to do it there is always an option to use a hotel room.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you are in this difficult situation. I know that it is hard to carry on when you are so tired of everything, and I understand being desperate to leave this world. I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do. I hope that you find relief from your suffering.