Aonaiir
todays the day and tomorrows goodbye
- May 19, 2024
- 8
I'm so conflicted right now. Im at a chapter in my life where I just feel so hopeless and drained whilst im surrounded by plenty of opportunities to better my life. Sometimes I feel like I'm holding myself back, like maybe I should try harder to live. Then I remember that I am trying, I'm trying so fucking hard. Ive tried hard to live almost if not more than I've tried to die. After so many failed attempts, I've just become...hopeless in death and life. Some people say they cant go through it because their scared to die, or scared of the pain that comes with it. I cant go through with it because I'm scared of being saved again. Now I'm not that religious, I dont really believe in an all powerful being but what I do know is...its astounding that I'm still alive. My first attempt was when I was 9 yrs old, last attempt was when I was 20...I'm 21 now. I've probably tried my hand at death about 7-8 times, had 3 code blues as well. Been in the ICU about 4 times. I remember the first time I had a code blue, I was 12...I had taken a shit load of Morphine and Oxycodone (strong dosage too) but I got impatient then decided to try and hang myself off of one of those sprinkler things that go off when a fire happens...Like I said I was 12 and this was my 3rd attempt, 1st using pills, so I wasnt that smart about it. Anyways I ended up almost flooding the apartment I lived in at the time and my grandma, who takes care of me, ended up taking me to be admitted into this mental facility that i usually go to when shit like this happens (little background story, as a child since about age 4...i was always off the rails so I've had a psychiatrist and therapist-though i cycle through therapist, ive had about 8-12...i still have the same psychiatrist since i was 4 up till now- since then. The severe depression developed around age 8-9 but before that, I always got angry at everything. Not even normal tantrums but really bad mood swings and anger issues. As well as ADHD, so thats what I went to the facility for initially). After she figured out I had tried to hang myself. So were sitting in the waiting room, I dont remember much but I remember a doctor calling us in for an examination or whatever to get me admitted, there was a lot of screaming and yelling...all that jazz during the questions then...after we left out...everything went black. Well for me atleast, it was the most peaceful I'd ever been. My mind was quiet, there was no turmoil, no anger, no sadness, no pain. Nothing. It was and still is the best moment of my life. It was pure tranquility. No thoughts no consciousness. Just black, and blank. Then I woke up, hooked up to a machine and wires and so much shit. I remember being confused, then fucking angry. They told me i had passed out, that they had to call a cold blue and bring me back to life. I say all that to say this. I want death. But I dont think death wants me. I've had plenty of close calls but not close enough. Its like someone is mocking me. So I've decided that I might as well, give my best fucking shot at life. Fuck it. I put this in the suicide discussion tab because I wouldnt call this a recovery journey, I've simply given up on death before I've given up on life. So I'm gonna try and give living a real shot this time, a longer shot...usually I tap out after about 3 months but I'll come back here in a year. Maybe ill be stuck in the same spot, the same cycle I've always been in. Or maybe I'd have won the war that constantly goes on in my mind. Maybe ill still be fighting that battle but be on the winning side for once in my life. Idk. But what I do know is I've gotta try harder because I'm tired disappointing everyone, tired of being a burden. Im tired. So its time. Wish me luck.
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