R
RushedJudgement
Member
- Apr 16, 2024
- 11
In truth, I barely know how to describe what I feel these days. Mostly, I would describe it as that feeling of being emotionally exhausted almost all of the time. I feel no joy, not really, and if I am a little bit happy about small things, it subsides really quickly again and I'm left with more depressing thoughts. I tried to change things somehow, but no matter what I do, it's really just taking a turn to the worse.
It's been like that for much over a year now. Most of my emotional capacity that is left to me these days I spend on keeping up an alright appearance at work so people won't pester me with questions, or to make my family think I have an alright day so they aren't worried.
Especially as of late, I really been feeling like I simply… don't want to exist anymore. I don't want to wait to try for that possibility that it might get better after however long I have to drag my mind through this pain. I don't want to put my depression in line behind the happiness of others because me being gone would make some of them uncomfortable. Why can't I simply not exist anymore and be done with it? That's usually combined with thoughts of, well, leaving this world, but it always scared me. At least a little bit.
I don't want to tell my therapist or anyone about how I truly feel, because they'll probably just put me in a psych ward and take away my ability to decide about myself completely. The small things that sometimes slip through to my family already make them worry to such a degree that they advise me to go to the hospital myself.
I'm just… at a loss of options, I guess.
It's been like that for much over a year now. Most of my emotional capacity that is left to me these days I spend on keeping up an alright appearance at work so people won't pester me with questions, or to make my family think I have an alright day so they aren't worried.
Especially as of late, I really been feeling like I simply… don't want to exist anymore. I don't want to wait to try for that possibility that it might get better after however long I have to drag my mind through this pain. I don't want to put my depression in line behind the happiness of others because me being gone would make some of them uncomfortable. Why can't I simply not exist anymore and be done with it? That's usually combined with thoughts of, well, leaving this world, but it always scared me. At least a little bit.
I don't want to tell my therapist or anyone about how I truly feel, because they'll probably just put me in a psych ward and take away my ability to decide about myself completely. The small things that sometimes slip through to my family already make them worry to such a degree that they advise me to go to the hospital myself.
I'm just… at a loss of options, I guess.