I don’t know what to do

[RushedJudgement]

In truth, I barely know how to describe what I feel these days. Mostly, I would describe it as that feeling of being emotionally exhausted almost all of the time. I feel no joy, not really, and if I am a little bit happy about small things, it subsides really quickly again and I'm left with more depressing thoughts. I tried to change things somehow, but no matter what I do, it's really just taking a turn to the worse.

It's been like that for much over a year now. Most of my emotional capacity that is left to me these days I spend on keeping up an alright appearance at work so people won't pester me with questions, or to make my family think I have an alright day so they aren't worried.

Especially as of late, I really been feeling like I simply… don't want to exist anymore. I don't want to wait to try for that possibility that it might get better after however long I have to drag my mind through this pain. I don't want to put my depression in line behind the happiness of others because me being gone would make some of them uncomfortable. Why can't I simply not exist anymore and be done with it? That's usually combined with thoughts of, well, leaving this world, but it always scared me. At least a little bit.

I don't want to tell my therapist or anyone about how I truly feel, because they'll probably just put me in a psych ward and take away my ability to decide about myself completely. The small things that sometimes slip through to my family already make them worry to such a degree that they advise me to go to the hospital myself.

I'm just… at a loss of options, I guess.

 

[SMmetalhead36]

I can relate to this completely. I'm completely emotionally exhausted as well. Happiness is short lived ( which I hate). In my case, the people pestering me with questions are the ones that are trying to pump me for information and have no interest in caring about the real issue. I do the same thing by putting on the whole everything's great act, and it gets tiresome and it's like what do you do with that? Everyone will say do what you love and make you happy but the flame sometimes burns out on that also and then it's like what now and how do you get to that point?

 

[RushedJudgement]

I can relate to this completely. I'm completely emotionally exhausted as well. Happiness is short lived ( which I hate). In my case, the people pestering me with questions are the ones that are trying to pump me for information and have no interest in caring about the real issue. I do the same thing by putting on the whole everything's great act, and it gets tiresome and it's like what do you do with that? Everyone will say do what you love and make you happy but the flame sometimes burns out on that also and then it's like what now and how do you get to that point?

Definitely. And when you put up that "everything's alright" act and try to smile and pull through over the day, and then something happens and you get a panic attack or it gets a lot worse, they really have nothing else to do but to tell you how you can't be depressed because you always seem so happy. And for me personally, getting told such stuff and worse during the panic attacks is everything but helpful; quite the opposite actually.

 

[Papa Shinai]

I do not wanna exist either, life lost its appeal for me, I feel like I'm 80 but actually only 23.

 

[lizzywizzy09]

I do not wanna exist either, life is lost its appeal for me, I feel like I'm 80 but actually only 23.

Oh, I feel this. Nothing ages you like depression (and chronic illness in my case as well).