reanimated_cadaver
a reanimated corpse
- Jan 24, 2024
- 3
I thought things were getting better. I had finally met somebody I love with everything I have in me. I found a group of friends that made me happy. I found something to give me some drive to keep living.
Every friendship and relationship I've had has been toxic. I've never really got experience love in a form that isn't unhealthy or abusive. I come from an abusive childhood as well which doesn't make things better.
When there was a new relationship or friendship I tried to form, they would run away once they find out about my past. I made shitty decisions and acted like a piece of shit. I regret it every day, and it eats away at me. I took accountability and tried to better myself. I apologized to those I hurt, and I tried to leave everything behind me. It always follows me though. It's a constant shadow lurking behind me. I can't change directions on the path I walk. I'm forced to walk on the path I already walked.
You can imagine the solace I found when I met my current partner. I felt finally seen and understood. I felt something deep inside me though would go wrong. It seems it's coming. I asked if he was thinking about breaking up. "Not necessarily" was what he said. He won't talk to me about it or give me answers.
I'm giving him time, but I don't want to lose him.
He's one of the few things keeping me going. I love him with all my heart and soul, and I've been giving all of me. I haven't dated in a long time before him. I had lost my faith and trust in people. When I decide to give it a chance again, something has to go wrong. It has to stab me right where it fucking hurts. It drives me insane. I don't understand why things can't go right for once.
I let my guard down, and something has to go wrong. It's a cycle that never ends. It's been this way since I can barely remember. I'm just convinced maybe I'm not made for love. Maybe I'm being punished for the shit I made people go through when dealing with me and my instability. Maybe I'm just being dramatic. I don't know.
I keep falling into that empty void inside me. I always lose what I don't want to lose. It's inevitable. I just seem to be an annoying nuisance to people around me. I always manage to do something wrong.
I know I'll probably relapse.
The suicidal thoughts keep coming. To slit my wrist or fit a halo around my neck. If I'm such a nuisance to people, would they care? If I lose everything anyway, what does it matter?
I fear the afterlife, but sometimes I think it's better than living in a world that feels so mundane. It feels better than to face myself.
Maybe there is hope. I don't know. I don't know how to feel.
None of my irl friends I can talk to. I know this will all get back to my partner or somebody else since they're his friends. My overseas friends aren't necessarily people to talk to about this thing. I don't want them to have to listen to this.
I keep switching back and forth between that hopeful feeling and that feeling to just want to end it all. I don't know where to go. There's so much more on my mind, but I can't articulate it right now.
This is all I really have to say right now. I just needed somewhere to get it out.
Every friendship and relationship I've had has been toxic. I've never really got experience love in a form that isn't unhealthy or abusive. I come from an abusive childhood as well which doesn't make things better.
When there was a new relationship or friendship I tried to form, they would run away once they find out about my past. I made shitty decisions and acted like a piece of shit. I regret it every day, and it eats away at me. I took accountability and tried to better myself. I apologized to those I hurt, and I tried to leave everything behind me. It always follows me though. It's a constant shadow lurking behind me. I can't change directions on the path I walk. I'm forced to walk on the path I already walked.
You can imagine the solace I found when I met my current partner. I felt finally seen and understood. I felt something deep inside me though would go wrong. It seems it's coming. I asked if he was thinking about breaking up. "Not necessarily" was what he said. He won't talk to me about it or give me answers.
I'm giving him time, but I don't want to lose him.
He's one of the few things keeping me going. I love him with all my heart and soul, and I've been giving all of me. I haven't dated in a long time before him. I had lost my faith and trust in people. When I decide to give it a chance again, something has to go wrong. It has to stab me right where it fucking hurts. It drives me insane. I don't understand why things can't go right for once.
I let my guard down, and something has to go wrong. It's a cycle that never ends. It's been this way since I can barely remember. I'm just convinced maybe I'm not made for love. Maybe I'm being punished for the shit I made people go through when dealing with me and my instability. Maybe I'm just being dramatic. I don't know.
I keep falling into that empty void inside me. I always lose what I don't want to lose. It's inevitable. I just seem to be an annoying nuisance to people around me. I always manage to do something wrong.
I know I'll probably relapse.
The suicidal thoughts keep coming. To slit my wrist or fit a halo around my neck. If I'm such a nuisance to people, would they care? If I lose everything anyway, what does it matter?
I fear the afterlife, but sometimes I think it's better than living in a world that feels so mundane. It feels better than to face myself.
Maybe there is hope. I don't know. I don't know how to feel.
None of my irl friends I can talk to. I know this will all get back to my partner or somebody else since they're his friends. My overseas friends aren't necessarily people to talk to about this thing. I don't want them to have to listen to this.
I keep switching back and forth between that hopeful feeling and that feeling to just want to end it all. I don't know where to go. There's so much more on my mind, but I can't articulate it right now.
This is all I really have to say right now. I just needed somewhere to get it out.
