jonathanjoestar
New Member
- Feb 28, 2025
- 4
Hello, ive been having thoughts about CTB for so long that i cant remember when. It started as an anxiety to perform well in everything. I was a bright student, straight As student, with leadership roles, all of the teachers recognize me, and i have a lot of friends. One would think i got everything going in my life right? All of these make everyone's expectations towards me high. Then suddenly when i entered 16 y/o, i struggled with everything. I have adhd, i cant focus on anything, my anxiety is getting worse. And from there you can truly see, no one is really on your side. My grades drop significantly, i lost myself, i began to question my real identity since i kept tailored my personality based on what people expect me to be. And of course, being compared to my brother who is naturally talented what makes it worse. My parents no longer brag about me since i have lost all the things to be bragged about. Then since 2020, with covid hits, my depression is getting worse. Why didnt i seek help? I did, i open up to parents hoping they would take me to proffesional since i was still under their care (typical asian family, you only move out when you got married). But they brushed it off by saying that is the devils doing, i dont have depression nor anxiety, i just need to fix my relationship with God, then everything will be fixed. I am a muslim btw. I prayed 5 times a day, read holy Quran everyday, listen to scholars everyday, but im still sick. Why? No one will loves me, now that I know even God hates me, what more could i give? I felt like i would receive loves only if do good in something. And in the same year, i found a short escape from my problem, i resorted to porn. I masturbate day and night, and suddenly my brain starts to function again. I entered prestige university, got good grades, and as usual, happy go lucky personality, everyone likes me, even my parents started to show loves and affection towards me again, and i can finally breath for a while. I was showered with loves, my siblings and parents loves me, i would do everything they ask me to, especially chores around the house, i cared for them in return for their affections. Every night i either cried, masturbated, or having CTB thoughts, thats what kept my thoughts together and relieves my stress. Not untill this year, my brother entered my room and found my dildo. Then suddenly everything shattered, all the things that i have build, trust, self esteem, dignity, proud, all have been shattered. My brother ratted me out to my parents, and of course to my siblings as well. To some, maybe this is not a big deal, but to me who were raised in strict religious family, you know how it ends. My family stops talking entirely to me. Even i tried to crack jokes or lighten the moody room as i usually did, no one responded. They didnt confront me. They completely ignored my existence, making me feel disgusted with myself. I can see their behaviour towards my touch, they see me as something disgusting. I can no longer see my future. Everything went dark. I cried for a week straight, the pain is unbearable, i am lonely. No one will loves me unconditionally like how i love everyone unconditionally. Im so lonely. I dont know whats wrong with me. I dont think this is something worth to be depressed about. I felt like such an attention seeker whenever i tried to seek help. The problem is not them, the problem is me. Thus i should eliminate the problem, right?
