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Chr0nicAnhedonic

Chr0nicAnhedonic

So much for stardust...
Oct 1, 2023
119
I've almost got everything I need now. I have my rope, have my anchor point, got some alcohol to hopefully lower my SI. The only thing left to take care of is my note, and even then I'm debating whether or not I even want to leave one. I have one that I drafted a couple years ago, but it would need some editing before I could use it. At the same time, I'm wondering if what I write will be misconstrued or outright ignored, and if so why even bother with the effort.

It's funny, really. I could probably CTB right now if I had the motivation to. Hell, I've been able to for a couple months at least. But I keep putting it off and putting it off, because I keep thinking there's some obligation or some thing I'm waiting for that'll make me want to keep living. There isn't, and I don't know why I don't just do it now before things get worse than they already are.

I have nothing to live for. I'm almost entirely isolated; I don't have friends and can't make new ones because of my work schedule and my own inability to make and maintain friendships. My relationship with my family is only getting more strained as it's becoming clearer that I can't be anything they want or like. I'm burned out by work because of the schedule and the increasing demands and workload, and I suspect the burnout will cost me my job as it has multiple times in the past. Even though the loneliness is eating away at me, I've made my peace with never having a romantic relationship ever again because even if my schedule permitted it, no one would want to be with a friendless socially awkward loser whose negativity and cynicism drags down everyone around them.

The world is crumbling. The United States has made its turn to fascism, and a lot of the developed world is falling in line. We've reached record highs for the planet's temperature, along with unprecedented disastrous weather, and it'll only get worse from here. We're not going to even have a habitable planet fairly soon. It may even be too late for drastic action to be done to reverse a lot of the damage that modern civilization has done to the environment.

Any hope or fire left in me is basically gone. I don't know why I don't just take myself out right now.
 
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nina300

New Member
Dec 6, 2023
1
I have been in a similar place before, I might even end up being in a similar place in the future I don't know. The reason I didn't do it was because as I was about to jump off I realized that I was already dead, and if you are already dead you may as well discard your previous life and start anew, or at least attempt to for as long as the illusion holds itself together. I basically took the decision to do what I really wanted and not to live for anyone else as a last attempt. I will try to never again let anyone or anything keep me back, if they want me to die then they can come kill me. Sadly my remaining enemy is myself, and the fear that I will lose these that what I truly love, but I will try to keep going until then.
Idk if this makes sense or if you find it even relevant, I haven't slept in like 2 days so I am just rambling now, it's just that it kinda reminded me of myself from not that long ago. Take care
 
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