Chr0nicAnhedonic
So much for stardust...
- Oct 1, 2023
- 101
I've almost got everything I need now. I have my rope, have my anchor point, got some alcohol to hopefully lower my SI. The only thing left to take care of is my note, and even then I'm debating whether or not I even want to leave one. I have one that I drafted a couple years ago, but it would need some editing before I could use it. At the same time, I'm wondering if what I write will be misconstrued or outright ignored, and if so why even bother with the effort.
It's funny, really. I could probably CTB right now if I had the motivation to. Hell, I've been able to for a couple months at least. But I keep putting it off and putting it off, because I keep thinking there's some obligation or some thing I'm waiting for that'll make me want to keep living. There isn't, and I don't know why I don't just do it now before things get worse than they already are.
I have nothing to live for. I'm almost entirely isolated; I don't have friends and can't make new ones because of my work schedule and my own inability to make and maintain friendships. My relationship with my family is only getting more strained as it's becoming clearer that I can't be anything they want or like. I'm burned out by work because of the schedule and the increasing demands and workload, and I suspect the burnout will cost me my job as it has multiple times in the past. Even though the loneliness is eating away at me, I've made my peace with never having a romantic relationship ever again because even if my schedule permitted it, no one would want to be with a friendless socially awkward loser whose negativity and cynicism drags down everyone around them.
The world is crumbling. The United States has made its turn to fascism, and a lot of the developed world is falling in line. We've reached record highs for the planet's temperature, along with unprecedented disastrous weather, and it'll only get worse from here. We're not going to even have a habitable planet fairly soon. It may even be too late for drastic action to be done to reverse a lot of the damage that modern civilization has done to the environment.
Any hope or fire left in me is basically gone. I don't know why I don't just take myself out right now.
It's funny, really. I could probably CTB right now if I had the motivation to. Hell, I've been able to for a couple months at least. But I keep putting it off and putting it off, because I keep thinking there's some obligation or some thing I'm waiting for that'll make me want to keep living. There isn't, and I don't know why I don't just do it now before things get worse than they already are.
I have nothing to live for. I'm almost entirely isolated; I don't have friends and can't make new ones because of my work schedule and my own inability to make and maintain friendships. My relationship with my family is only getting more strained as it's becoming clearer that I can't be anything they want or like. I'm burned out by work because of the schedule and the increasing demands and workload, and I suspect the burnout will cost me my job as it has multiple times in the past. Even though the loneliness is eating away at me, I've made my peace with never having a romantic relationship ever again because even if my schedule permitted it, no one would want to be with a friendless socially awkward loser whose negativity and cynicism drags down everyone around them.
The world is crumbling. The United States has made its turn to fascism, and a lot of the developed world is falling in line. We've reached record highs for the planet's temperature, along with unprecedented disastrous weather, and it'll only get worse from here. We're not going to even have a habitable planet fairly soon. It may even be too late for drastic action to be done to reverse a lot of the damage that modern civilization has done to the environment.
Any hope or fire left in me is basically gone. I don't know why I don't just take myself out right now.
