Venting I don't know what I want anymore

[Chocomel]

I just realized recently that I actually a people pleaser. At first I never notice this behaviour, I even call those people that become 'people pleaser' are dumb because what do you mean you don't put your well being first, instead you decide to put other well being first. Well, I guess now I know why. For me the reason is because I'm afraid of what other people think of me. For example, I always try my best to be as sociable as possible when I am with my friends because I'm afraid they would think I'm too quite or not engaged enough. Another example would be me always appear happy when I am home because I'm afraid they would think I'm sad or miserable living with them.
Now, I actually want to talk about the title of this thread. Because my life always revolve around other people, whenever its time for my alone time, I literally don't know what I want to do. Because there's no other people judging me, and therefore I don't have to perform anything. Back then I always resort to doomscrolling and in general just doing whatever using my phone. But now that I am sick even using my own phone, I realized that I actually don't know what I want to do. Like, idk. I feel like I should be grateful of this alone time because this is the time I can be myself. But I don't even know myself. I don't know what I like, I don't know what I dislike, what is my hobby, what is my talent, I don't know what interest me. I mean, sometimes, I know what I want to do. Like that one time I draw traditionally on paper, or that one time I play piano using my keyboard. I was feeling less bad. But its just a little spark, I never do any of those again, except when I doing the Recovery Challenge and they told me to draw, which again, I'm doing it because other people are involved. I truly lost all my personality trying to fit in into other people lives.

I always confused on what to do when I'm alone, any tips so I can get out of this?

 

[LancyLoew]

I'm sure you have interests that you don't realise or didn't have time to explore. You do enjoy drawing, even if you only do it when you're asked. You might just not have the internal motivation to do things for yourself, and only feel motivated when there's an expectation.
I have many "hobbies" that I would enjoy in theory, but I always just end up playing video games in my free time. Even when I was more involved with school and exercise, any free time I had I would spend on my computer, and I remember thinking "If my studies, hobbies, sports and interests all disappeared and I got to spend the rest of my life alone in my bedroom playing video games and never had to leave, I could be happy." I still think a life like that would be pleasant, and I wouldn't miss many things.
What I'm trying to say is that the reason I'm being held back from enjoying my "hobbies" is my addiction to screens and the Internet. What you mention about your phone reminds me of that.

I would ask if there's something concrete and managable (like your phone) that is preventing you from exploring your potential interests. Also, I think you mentioned being in university; what are you studying? Is it something you're interested in?

 

[Chocomel]

Omg hi, didn't expect to see you here lol, thanks for checking me out. Though I can safely say that my situation is much better now. I have been intentionally, or in some way 'forcing' myself to so something. For the last 3 days, I haven't play any single video game whatsoever because all my free time is used to study reverse engineering. Though the reason I study reverse engineering was for speedrunning said games, I didn't really play the game because I only open it in the background, while me myself is tinkering with Cheat Engine and stuff. This thing alone, help me to see which direction I need to do when I am alone in my free time instead of just doing mindless stuff. Though I didn't know if this is gonna be just like a little spark, or its gonna be continous. I want to try to 'force' myself again to do something after this whole reverse engineering thing is done. Which looking great btw, before I was into this, I was continuing to study Japanese again and learning game development too. So maybe the chain will go on and on. I have managed to do it even if 0 person will acknowledge it

And yes I am in university, Computer Science. I'm interested on game development, though my campus doesn't focus on that. They're still CS, but focused more on building website and apps to sell. I kind of dislike it because its not really my passion to pursue that kind of money, but I need to do it because its more or less my career path.