other-ghost
in my own journey
- Apr 5, 2025
- 6
I have a loving partner, close friends, and a brother who cares deeply for me, even if he struggles to show it. I'm studying at a good university with decent grades. My life seems stable. But none of it feels like enough.
At first, I told myself, If I just find people who care, i'll want to stay. When that didn't work, I threw myself into new hobbies, hoping excitement would help me. That failed too. Then i met my partner. Her love felt like an answer. A reason to keep going. But lately, even that love feels hollow. It terrifies me. How can i crave connection so badly, yet feel emptier when it's given?
The guilt is crushing. Support from those I cherish now frustrates me, not relief. Like.. isn't this what I begged for this past 10 years? I got all of them, what the young me wished for, what the young me always prayed for (maybe this is a mistake ; i pray, but with an empty faith for him. Maybe, no wonder i feel this way. Is this him saying he hates me?). Therapy only sharpened the ache, their advice irritated me.
These days, living feels like following a borrowed script, playing a role i never evn auditioned for. I've teetered at the edge so many times, only to freeze. Not out of fear for myself, but because of those around me. My stepmom who might collapse if she found me, my sister who'd wear my death like a stain. It's absurd. I tell myself I don't care, yet they hold me like a hostage.
The train tracks taunt me daily. They hum with possibility, a single step away from silence. But I keep walking past, trapped by a cowardly kindness I don't even feel. Maybe that's the cruelest joke—being too broken to live, yet too guilty to die.
I hate it. I hate the performance. I hate that i keep living for other peope, driving me to despise them. I hate that i'm too afraid to vanish. I'm trapped. And the worst part? I don't know how to fix what's broken inside me.
And i'm want to say i'm sorry for everyone who cares for me, since i can only vent here, i am too afraid to say that i'm barely surviving, to say that their support always dissolves before it can even reach me. I'm sorry for being a bad person, a bad friend, a bad partner. I'll end myself soon so, i'm sorry
At first, I told myself, If I just find people who care, i'll want to stay. When that didn't work, I threw myself into new hobbies, hoping excitement would help me. That failed too. Then i met my partner. Her love felt like an answer. A reason to keep going. But lately, even that love feels hollow. It terrifies me. How can i crave connection so badly, yet feel emptier when it's given?
The guilt is crushing. Support from those I cherish now frustrates me, not relief. Like.. isn't this what I begged for this past 10 years? I got all of them, what the young me wished for, what the young me always prayed for (maybe this is a mistake ; i pray, but with an empty faith for him. Maybe, no wonder i feel this way. Is this him saying he hates me?). Therapy only sharpened the ache, their advice irritated me.
These days, living feels like following a borrowed script, playing a role i never evn auditioned for. I've teetered at the edge so many times, only to freeze. Not out of fear for myself, but because of those around me. My stepmom who might collapse if she found me, my sister who'd wear my death like a stain. It's absurd. I tell myself I don't care, yet they hold me like a hostage.
The train tracks taunt me daily. They hum with possibility, a single step away from silence. But I keep walking past, trapped by a cowardly kindness I don't even feel. Maybe that's the cruelest joke—being too broken to live, yet too guilty to die.
I hate it. I hate the performance. I hate that i keep living for other peope, driving me to despise them. I hate that i'm too afraid to vanish. I'm trapped. And the worst part? I don't know how to fix what's broken inside me.
And i'm want to say i'm sorry for everyone who cares for me, since i can only vent here, i am too afraid to say that i'm barely surviving, to say that their support always dissolves before it can even reach me. I'm sorry for being a bad person, a bad friend, a bad partner. I'll end myself soon so, i'm sorry
