I don't know if I can take this any more.

[AerialBoundaries]

It's almost 4am and I can't sleep. The last few nights have been like this. It seems that when my suicidal thoughts get worse, my sleep does too, which exacerbates said thoughts.

The thought going through my head right now, is that I deserve to die. It's like I have this constant voice in my head telling me "do it" and that it would be for the best.

This is the lowest I've ever felt and I always told myself that I would never do anything to myself in the heat of the moment, without proper planning and such, but I might have met my match here. I've tried everything to take my mind off of it, to no avail.

This is horrible and it's gnawing away at me.

 

[MidnightCat]

I'm sorry to hear that.

Imo, you got it right "don't do anything in the heat of the moment".

If you can't stop thinking.. take a few diazepam/lorazepam or something like that. Force yourself with medication to sleep.

I know it's not perfect and it's not even close to a solution, but it'll help you to stick around and not get caught in the heat of the moment.

 

[looking_for_peace]

I feel for you. exhaustion/insomnia is a bitch especially when you're depressed. I hope you were able to sleep. you'll likely feel (at least a little) better once you wake up, but the next time you find yourself unable to sleep, do your best to distract yourself with literally anything. video games, music at max volume, or even alcohol for when it gets incredibly difficult. I think I spent three hours straight last night just reading to avoid thinking. it's shitty and boring as fuck, but it works.

you could also consider asking your GP to put you on Seroquel. I've been on it for a few years. look up the side effects though... once you start it's an absolute bitch to stop. but, it does work.

 

[AerialBoundaries]

I feel for you. exhaustion/insomnia is a bitch especially when you're depressed. I hope you were able to sleep. you'll likely feel (at least a little) better once you wake up, but the next time you find yourself unable to sleep, do your best to distract yourself with literally anything. video games, music at max volume, or even alcohol for when it gets incredibly difficult. I think I spent three hours straight last night just reading to avoid thinking. it's shitty and boring as fuck, but it works.

you could also consider asking your GP to put you on Seroquel. I've been on it for a few years. look up the side effects though... once you start it's an absolute bitch to stop. but, it does work.

I managed a couple of hours of broken sleep, which is better than nothing, I suppose.

I do like to read, also. I'll normally do that, or watch something to distract me from these horrible feelings, but nothing was working last night. I've had really intrusive thoughts before, but nothing compared to what it's been like the past couple of days.

I've seen a lot of people have decent success with Seroquel/Quetiapine. It's unfortunate that my GP is very reluctant to prescribe it and keeps trying to give me SSRIs that I've tried in the past, with no success.

 

[looking_for_peace]

I managed a couple of hours of broken sleep, which is better than nothing, I suppose.

I do like to read, also. I'll normally do that, or watch something to distract me from these horrible feelings, but nothing was working last night. I've had really intrusive thoughts before, but nothing compared to what it's been like the past couple of days.

I've seen a lot of people have decent success with Seroquel/Quetiapine. It's unfortunate that my GP is very reluctant to prescribe it and keeps trying to give me SSRIs that I've tried in the past, with no success.

that's good. do you normally deal with intrusive thoughts/insomnia or did something trigger this? I won't pry but it's worth thinking about.

as for your GP, I know the pain. the process of getting Seroquel was frustrating as fuck because of how paranoid they were, and I was literally getting no sleep while they had me try a ton of useless meds. it takes some time, but once you're on it, you don't need to see them again. ask for some sleeping medication, take anything they prescribe you, and keep going back to say it doesn't work or that you're having bad side effects. eventually, you'll get put on Seroquel, or if you're lucky, find something weaker that works. if all fails, find another GP and show them your history. It sounds like a lot of effort but it's really just time-consuming. good luck to you :)

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds so awful what you have to go through, existing is horrible enough without being unable to sleep, and it must be so tiring being in that situation. It's just so very unfair how all of this endless suffering exists in this world.

 

[AerialBoundaries]

that's good. do you normally deal with intrusive thoughts/insomnia or did something trigger this? I won't pry but it's worth thinking about.

as for your GP, I know the pain. the process of getting Seroquel was frustrating as fuck because of how paranoid they were, and I was literally getting no sleep while they had me try a ton of useless meds. it takes some time, but once you're on it, you don't need to see them again. ask for some sleeping medication, take anything they prescribe you, and keep going back to say it doesn't work or that you're having bad side effects. eventually, you'll get put on Seroquel, or if you're lucky, find something weaker that works. if all fails, find another GP and show them your history. It sounds like a lot of effort but it's really just time-consuming. good luck to you :)

Nothing in particular triggered it. I do have a lot on my mind in general, though. I've had insomnia for the better part of 15 years, but it has got really bad in the past 4 years or so. I go through phases were I'm awake for many days at a time and naturally this lowers my mood further. I'm a complete shell of a human being at the best of times, but it's sheer torture when sleep deprived along with it.

Yeah it is a lot of effort to get a GP to play ball, in that sense. I actually enquired about Seroquel back in March last year, but was given Promethazine instead, which did nothing. I also think it's very possible that I have undiagnosed bipolar disorder, so I'm going to bring that up next time I speak with her.

I just don't want to suffer any more, but I'm so conflicted about ending it as I don't want to hurt those that I care about.

 

[looking_for_peace]

Nothing in particular triggered it. I do have a lot on my mind in general, though. I've had insomnia for the better part of 15 years, but it has got really bad in the past 4 years or so. I go through phases were I'm awake for many days at a time and naturally this lowers my mood further. I'm a complete shell of a human being at the best of times, but it's sheer torture when sleep deprived along with it.

Yeah it is a lot of effort to get a GP to play ball, in that sense. I actually enquired about Seroquel back in March last year, but was given Promethazine instead, which did nothing. I also think it's very possible that I have undiagnosed bipolar disorder, so I'm going to bring that up next time I speak with her.

I just don't want to suffer any more, but I'm so conflicted about ending it as I don't want to hurt those that I care about.

it's really a shame you've been dealing with this for so long without any medication. I hope you get the help you need. I feel like most GP's have no idea what the fuck they're doing. definitely see your GP as soon as you can, things might change for the better once you're on adequate medication. it will certainly make things easier to deal with at the very least!